


L'Amour Interdit

by ciel__b, NoHappyEnding



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of CF, Minor Character Death, NHE Round 3, Unrequited Love, nhe, nhe 2018, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-10-27 05:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 43,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17760764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciel__b/pseuds/ciel__b, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding
Summary: Everything was Chanyeol's fault.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** Self-Prompt  
>  **Prompt:** A falls in love with his homophobic friend, B.  
>  **Pairing/Main character(s):** Park Chanyeol/Byun Baekhyun  
>  **Side character(s) (if any):** Kim Jongdae, Woo Jiho, Ji Hyeran, Park Yoora  
>  **Word count:** 41.4K  
>  **Warning(s)/Additional tag(s):** Slight internalised homophobia, homophobic characters, minor character death, unrequited love.  
>  **Author's note:** Finally one of my dreams came true. NHE is my very first fic fest and I am so glad that it is NHE. 
> 
> To the mods, thank you for being kind and understanding, for being so supportive <3
> 
> To my friends who supported me and who listened to my whining and complaining (V, Z and N, especially you guys). Thank you for having my back and for loving me TT
> 
> To J, you know I love you, right? If it wasn't you, this fic wouldn't have been here and of wouldn't have been Chanbaek.
> 
> To M, you are so inspiring and I miss you. Just come back and break my heart as you wish TT
> 
> To my dear friend, who agreed to be my beta even though I asked you at the last minute. Thank you for telling me supportive things and for being the first one to listen to this plot. If it weren't your words that day, I would have given up.
> 
> To the readers, thank you for giving this fic a chance. I hope I have done well because this fic is the result of my last five months. I really did my best for this fic and I leave the rest to you. Thank you each and every one of you who are going to read this.

When Chanyeol woke up from a long dream, the first thing he realized was that he wasn’t in his room.  

He got used to waking up seeing his boring cream coloured ceiling for almost seven years that even that familiar ceiling seemed foreign. Oh but it didn’t fail to trigger the memories that he swore to forget. Those days when he slept under that ceiling were still fresh in his memory.

That bed was comfy than his— _and warm._ A kind of warmth he missed. He didn’t remember the last time he felt that warm and peaceful. He turned to look at the petit man sleeping beside him.

A smile formed on its own, without even him asking for it. It was nothing new. Chanyeol was used to it. The other one always looked so peaceful in his sleep. His face was so serene and calm and Chanyeol wanted to picture that in his mind so that he can live the rest of his life without seeing the man. _What an ironic thought._

He realised that his arm was held tightly by the other. Chanyeol knew that the other one moved a lot in his sleep. Yet his hold on his arm was painfully strong. As if the other didn’t want to let go him. _As if he knew Chanyeol might run away from him_ . Chanyeol wanted to laugh. _Or cry? He wasn’t sure._

He managed to search for his phone using his free hand. He checked the time. It wasn’t morning yet. It was close to morning. The sun would rise in an hour or so. His heart constricted at the thought of the day he dreaded the most came. Sometimes, he wished that this day shouldn’t come. How heartless he had been. He felt like screaming. In a heartbeat, the calm and peaceful ambiance turned into a suffocating feeling. It felt like he would die if he stayed there another minute.

He took another careful look at the other. Somewhere in his chest hurt while seeing how calm the other looked while sleeping beside him. His heart melted a little by seeing him; as if he didn’t spent years resenting the idea of being in love with him. As if he wasn’t going to break his heart. He couldn’t even imagine what the other would feel when he woke up without Chanyeol. He would be broken. That guy loved him. He cherished Chanyeol. Chanyeol was aware. But he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to leave even if he knew it would hurt the other.

 _You are going to be loved more than you think, Baekhyun. The person will love you more than anything_ , he remembered telling Baekhyun. It was supposed to be a precious memory between the two of them but when Chanyeol replayed that memory in his head, he couldn’t help but feel bitter.  

He had years to think about what to do if that day comes but he couldn’t decide. He didn’t know. Should he stay and pretend that he was happy so that at least one of them would be happy? Or should he just leave and hurt both of them?

One thing he was sure of was he would end up with a bleeding heart no matter what his decision would be. He was sure he couldn’t sleep a day knowing that he hurt the other’s heart.

He let out his breathe until his lungs felt empty, convincing his heart that it would somehow subdue the pain inside. He didn’t remember the last time he was free from pain. The pain became a permanent thing that he became numb to it.

A part of him regretted for letting all those years he let pass by just like that. He felt like it was yesterday that he met the other one. He couldn’t help but let out a bitter chuckle, low, quiet and careful not to wake up the other.

That was a period where everything was right, the way it was supposed to be. They were pure and innocent. No one knew what love was. No one fell for the wrong person.

At present, it was a mess. Chanyeol’s life was a mess. Chanyeol made the other’s life a mess. _It was his fault._

He should get away from there. He glanced at the other’s face once again. He gently pried the other’s grip over his arm and tried sitting up. He smiled at how the other was still a heavy sleeper even if he used to move a lot. Or was it him who was a silent mover?

He got up from the bed and looked for his jacket. When he found, he never even let his heart to beat. He didn’t trust his heart because it might convince to change his decision even now. He walked to the door without even glancing back at the man who he had known for the almost twenty years. His best friend— _whom he never deserved as a best friend. To whom he had never been good enough to deserve his kindness._

He felt his eyes getting irritated, slightly wet even when he faced the door he closed a second before. A sign that he wasn’t going to be in the latter’s life anymore. It was over. It was supposed to be over years ago but Chanyeol didn’t know why he took that long to make that decision.  

He leaned his forehead against the door. He held in his tears. He held in the urge to cry because he shouldn’t. Not when he was going to do the right thing or supposed to be. He hated the agonising lump forming in his throat. He tried to swallow it before placing a soft kiss on the wooden surface.

“Sorry Baekhyun-ah,” he whispered to the closed door.


	2. 1

Chanyeol was almost eight when he first met Baekhyun.

Chanyeol’s family had moved to a new city. They had to settle in Ulsan as his mother managed to find a better job there with the help of her friend. Chanyeol had to transfer his school too, which Chanyeol was kind of feeling happy about while Yoora, his sister was feeling the opposite. She was upset on leaving her friends behind. But that wasn’t the case with Chanyeol. He rarely had any friends and his classmates picked on him for his clumsiness. He hated when they teased him for his elfish ears. They acted rude to him, not letting him join their games and ignoring him as if he didn’t existed. Chanyeol ended up being alone all the time.

His mother got worried whenever he came home sulking. He never spoke about it aloud. But mothers knew the best. If one thing Chanyeol hated the most about himself, that would be being alone, friendless. His mother would tell him that the students were too unlucky to have him as a friend. Of course, that never failed to make him smile.

He hoped that at least in the new school he would make many friends; most importantly the good ones.  

  
  


He was in his new room, upstairs when his sister barged into his room suddenly. “Chanyeol-ah, she’s calling you,” she said in haste, referring to their mother. “Our neighbour is here,” she added when Chanyeol looked at her, questioning. He straightened his clothes and followed her to their living room.

He stood close to his sister when they entered the living room. He had always been a shy kid. He saw the lady from the next door. She looked pretty (no, not prettier than his mother. His mother was the prettiest in Chanyeol’s eyes) with small eyes that became even smaller when she smiled at him.

“So you are Park Chanyeol,” she beckoned him to come closer and held his hands with her pretty ones, “aigoo, you are cuter than I expected you to be,” she cooed at him, making his ears go red. Her hands were warm—just like his mother’s.

“Tell me, how old are you?” She asked him, still smiling. Her smile must be contagious because it brought a faint smile in Chanyeol’s face too. “I am turning eight next month,” he answered with a quiet voice.

Her smile widened. “Is that so? You are same age as my son. Our Baekhyunnie turned eight few months ago,” her eyes sparkled when she took her son’s name. Chanyeol was unaware that he silently mouthed the boy’s name. “He’s also studying in the same school I enrolled you in, Chanyeol,” his mother informed from behind as she put her hand on his shoulder.

 _Oh, great._ Chanyeol knew what his mother actually meant. _Befriend him._

 _Make friends._ That was what she would tell him often. She didn’t like seeing her son alone when he obviously wanted to make friends. She thought that her son was just afraid, shy. He wasn’t the most confident kid and it hurt her to see her son returning home with a frown while her daughter had so many stories of her friends to share when they came home after school.

Making friends was something Chanyeol wished but couldn’t do that easily. He was not good at making friends easily. He wondered how that _Baekhyunnie_ would be like. Was he a kind kid? Or would he be like those in his previous school? He hoped that this Baekhyun was a nice one.

He was determined to make more friends so why not start with his neighbouring schoolmate? His heart really, really hoped that Baekhyun was a nice one.

However the pretty neighbour got engrossed with his prettier mother in a motherly conversation (his neighbour even invited them to dinner next week) and Chanyeol was left alone to ponder about a faceless boy named Baekhyun.

 

_

  


“I am full,” Chanyeol protested, making his mother narrow her eyes at him. “You had two bites of your sandwich,” she stated. Chanyeol groaned. It was his first day going to his new school. He was nervous and his anxiety was taking a toll on his appetite. But his mother wouldn’t buy that. _Mothers always knew better._

“At least eat one sandwich,” his mother asked softly as she combed her son’s hair with her delicate fingers, to which Chanyeol leaned in for more. “Okay,” he obeyed his mother’s words being the good son he was.

After eating or rather, stuffing the rest of the sandwich, he got up and looked out for his school bag. Yoora wouldn’t care to wait a minute for him if he wasn’t quick. The last thing he wanted would be getting lost on his first day to school.

Maybe Yoora was still upset over this new school thing as she was sulking all their way to the new school. The school was thirty minute walk from their home. They could have took the bus but their mother told that walking to school would help them to get used to the new place and that they can take bus after a month or two.

“Tell me if someone bothers you. Don’t keep mum like you did at the previous school,” Yoora spoke when they reached their new school. Chanyeol never voiced out his discomfort regarding all the teasing he got before. But Yoora knew. She knew how much sensitive Chanyeol was about his appearance and she told him that being quiet about such people won’t do him good. She was upset that he didn’t tell her anything. She found from her classmates that her brother was being called names for being clumsy and mostly for his large ears.

Chanyeol gave her a short nod. “Good,” she replied after getting the assurance she needed and looked around. There were students in similar uniform buzzing around them; some chatting with their friends, some running along the corridors. “Alright, I think we should go meet our respective class tutors for our schedules,” she murmured as if Chanyeol didn’t know what they should do. “Don’t forget to make friends, Chanyeol. It’s boring to see you alone all the time,” she remarked at which Chanyeol scowled.

“I know, Yoora. Leave me alone now,” Chanyeol sassed, resulting in Yoora pulling his left ear. Chanyeol managed to keep his yelp as low as possible, not wanting to earn attention. “And learn some manners, baby brother. You should call me noona because the last time I checked, I am few years older than you,” she said in a playful yet warning tone before started walking away. Chanyeol followed her as he caressed his ear.

 

_

  


Chanyeol kept his head down when his class tutor asked him to introduce himself to the class. He was sure that students were looking at him with judging stares.

“I am Park—Park Chanyeol.” He lowered his head even more when he stuttered. “Is that all you have to say?” The tutor asked with genuine curiosity, blinking when the boy when silent after that. Chanyeol nodded while his eyes remained on his white school shoes (technically Yoora’s but she never wore them and his mother decided that it’s too new to throw away and that’s how it became Chanyeol’s). He didn’t have anything cool to tell about himself anyways.

“It’s okay,” his tutor smiled at him to show that it was really okay. “You can sit behind Jungsoo’s”—she gestured at the student and the student sat upright—“seat and your seatmate is late as usual,” she said the last part with a smile as she shook her head.

Chanyeol walked to his new seat, of course with his head low. To make his nerves worse, he heard murmurs and whispers. Not even an hour had passed, but he already started hating his new school.

His first session in his new school started like that. After few minutes, there was a student at the door—panting as if he ran all the way from his home. “Sorry Mrs Jung, I missed the bus again!” The boy seemed familiar to Chanyeol, for some reasons.

Chanyeol noticed that Mrs Jung was trying to suppress her smile. “You should wake up early to catch the bus, Byun.” She tried her best to sound reprimanding. The boy frowned. “I won’t repeat this again, Mrs Jung. I promise,” the boy bowed few times before their tutor excused him in.

The boy slowed his pace when he noticed a new student sitting beside his seat. _Oh, he got a seatmate._ His lips formed a subtle smile as he continued walking to his seat.

Chanyeol wasn’t aware that he was staring at the boy until the boy stared back at him while he took his seat. Chanyeol looked away from the boy to Mrs Jung quickly. The tutor had resumed her class but his attention got snatched away when the boy beside him chuckled.

Chanyeol glanced at the boy’s side only to catch him staring at his ears with a grin on his face. _So he was laughing at his ears,_ Chanyeol frowned at the thought. He was going to hate his new seatmate too, as he already laughed at his ears.

For the rest of the class, he never turned to his seatmate nor noticed the occasional worried glances his seatmate sent towards his direction.

_Forget about making friends, Chanyeol._

 

_  

 

 

Once it was time for lunch, Chanyeol fled from his classroom, holding his lunch tightly in his hands and went out to search his sister. He saw his sister walking with two girls, making them laugh at her remarks. She had made friends which made Chanyeol envy her socialising skills. She always had something cool or funny to talk about. That was why she was always surrounded with friends. More than anything, she was pretty and smart.

Somehow his sister found Chanyeol standing there. She walked to him and asked him to eat with her. He would have agreed if she was alone. But she made friends very quickly unlike him. He didn’t want to tag along with her friends so he shook his head.

“No, I will eat somewhere,” he said, motioning to the opposite direction. “You will be eating alone,” his sister asked with her eyebrows knitted.

“I have—a friend is waiting for me. I am going to eat with him,” he said quickly and pushed his sister to her friends when she narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously.

“Friend?” Her left eyebrow rose up and Chanyeol nodded with great difficulty. He was never good at lying.

He let out a sigh when she seemed like she bought what he said and pushed her gently towards her friends. He looked around if he can find a place where he can eat his lunch without much people around him. When he spotted a tree, a smile found its way on his lips. Eating alone wasn’t any new to him. He was used to it.

He strode towards the giant looking tree and sat down at a clean spot. He felt bad for lying to his sister but he didn’t have any other choice. He didn’t want her to pity him for being alone. Being alone was not a bad thing, according to him.

He was about to open his lunch box, when he felt someone sitting beside him. He widened his eyes when he saw his seatmate smiling at him. _Was he there to make fun of him again?_ He didn’t look like he was going to do that though.

“Hello seatmate,” the boy chimed. “Good boys shouldn’t lie, you know?” He settled himself comfortable and was ready to open his lunch box.

Chanyeol narrowed his eyes without even being aware of that. _Was the boy following him?_ As if the boy read his mind, “No I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation. I was just looking out for you and happened to hear that,” he explained defensively, albeit looking apologetic.

“I am Byun Baekhyun. What’s your name?” He asked when Chanyeol just stared at him without responding. Chanyeol, on the other hand, was contemplating whether he should run away from him or ignore him. Wait, Byun Baekhyun?

 _Baekhyunnie,_ his pretty neighbour’s son was looking at him, to get his name. No wonder why he looked familiar. He was exactly like his pretty mother; small eyes and pearl white set of teeth when he grinned at him (except for one tooth was missing). But that boy laughed at him! Then what his sister told him flashed in his mind. He shouldn’t be mum. He should voice out about his discomforts. People would stop bothering him only if he starts speaking out.

“Why would I tell you?” Maybe that came out too harsh. The boy was obviously taken aback at what he asked. Then he frowned and Chanyeol slightly regretted. Maybe the boy was just trying to be nice. But he laughed at him! There was no way that Chanyeol was going to talk with him.

“Did I do something wrong?” The boy asked, still frowning. _Yes! You laughed at my ears!_ Chanyeol wanted to shout at his face. “Why—why did you laugh at me?” He blurted out instead.

The boy blinked at him, looking baffled. His eyes widened when he processed what the other said. “I wasn’t making fun of you! It was just your ears were red that it made you look cute and I couldn’t help—See even now, they are going red!” He pointed at his ear, with wide eyes and Chanyeol had to cover his ears with both his hands.

The boy looked like he was about to chuckle again but he held it in somehow, afraid that he might offend his new seatmate again. “I am sorry if that made you feel bad,” the boy now frowned at him as he stayed silent.

Chanyeol didn’t utter a word to the expectantly looking boy. He simply started eating his lunch and the boy did the same, albeit still frowning. They ate in silence and Chanyeol ears remained scarlet as he noticed how the other boy stole glances at him. Baekhyun made him fluster.

“So you are not going to tell me your name, are you?” The boy asked Chanyeol once he finished his lunch. Chanyeol simply stood up, dusting his pants and the boy did the same. “Oh, come on! I told you I was sorry!” The boy started whining which amused Chanyeol.

He wanted to groan when he saw the boy had followed him. Or he was just simply dumb because of course the boy would follow him. He was his seatmate after all!

“It is okay if you don’t tell me your name, at least tell if you accepted my apology,” Baekhyun murmured when he saw that a teacher entered the class. Chanyeol looked at him through his peripheral vision. His lips curved upwards slightly and he wasn’t aware. Baekhyun grinned at seeing the faint smile on his seatmate’s face showing his perfect white teeth.

“You are smiling,” he pointed out and Chanyeol went back to his initial devoid expression. “I am not,” he muttered.

“You did!” Baekhyun almost shouted, startling Chanyeol. Thank heavens that the teacher didn’t hear that. “Be quiet. You will get us caught,” Chanyeol warned him, his voice low but loud enough for his seatmate to hear him.

“Then tell me your name,” he demanded still wearing that grin. When Chanyeol didn’t seem like he would answer, he added, “Or should I call you the boy with cute ears?”

“Later,” he said in a whisper and looked away from the grinning boy whose grin grew at seeing the former’s ear growing scarlet again.

 

_

  


“So tell me what your name is?” Baekhyun was tailing behind him. The class ended a minute ago and Chanyeol didn’t know whether to feel relieved because his first day went somehow well or to groan because his neighbour slash seatmate started bugging him.

On the other side, he didn’t seem like those bad kids. He seemed to be a friendly type—the talkative, annoying type. Maybe he can be friends with him. Chanyeol stopped walking which made Baekhyun to bump at the former. “Ouch, why did you stop suddenly?” The boy grumbled as he rubbed his nose that was turning a light shade of pink.

“Sorry,” Chanyeol smiled apologetically. “My name is Park Chanyeol,” he said with a shy smile that he tried to suppress. Baekhyun’s grin widened but his eyes flashed confusion. “I—your name sounds familiar,” Baekhyun trailed off, thinking hard why.

Chanyeol was about to answer him but he heard Yoora calling him from the school gate. He turned back to Baekhyun, “I have to go now. See you later?” For some reason, those words coming out from his mouth felt weird— _foreign_. He rarely had friends and he never uttered those words to anyone.

Baekhyun grinned. That boy smiled a lot, Chanyeol noticed. “Yes! See you tomorrow!” He waved at him and stood in his place till Chanyeol reached where Yoora was standing.

“You were not lying about getting a friend?” Yoora seemed so surprised, looking past Chanyeol at the boy who showed his perfect set of teeth at her. Chanyeol might have gulped. He shook his head, “Why would I do that?” Yoora just smiled at him and draped her hand around his shoulder. “Then your sister is happy for you,” she said as they started walking. His sister held him close to her and she was smiling all the way to their home back.

He knew. Yoora would fit any group of people.

 

_

  


“I don’t want to! Tell Yoora!” He drowned inside his comfy blanket. He didn’t want to go that boy’s house.

“Park Chanyeol! She’s noona for you and no, I can’t send her. You are the one who is going to give this to Mrs Byun,” she finished and waited for her son’s answer. He grunted before freeing himself from his blanket.

For some reasons, he didn’t feel like going there. The thought of seeing his class mate made him nervous. For some other reasons, he wanted to see the other would react if he knows that Chanyeol is his neighbour.

He saw his hands shaking when he knocked at the door. He let out a deep breath that turned out to be a gasp when the door suddenly opened and another gasp followed.

“The parks!” Baekhyun’s index finger was pointing at Chanyeol. That gesture kind of offended Chanyeol. “I should have known when your name felt familiar, why am I like this?” He looked at Chanyeol like he was a question he had answered wrong despite having a hunch of the right answer.

“It’s okay?” Chanyeol wanted to hide when he heard his own voice that sounded so squeaky. Baekhyun just grinned at him. “Ah so we are not only seatmates but neighbours. Isn’t that great?”

 _Or maybe not?_ Chanyeol only nodded his head awkwardly.

“Who are you talking to, Baekhyun?” A voice asked from inside and Baekhyun turned his head to the direction of the voice before looking back at him, still a wide grin plastered on his face.

He suddenly moved away to give Chanyeol way to enter. “It’s—“ Before Chanyeol could even finish, Baekhyun dragged him inside. “Papa, it is Chanyeol!” He yelled to his father who was sitting in the couch watching news.

“Oh your new friend?” Mr Byun asked as he turned to them and Chanyeol managed to bow in greeting, even though he was taken aback by what he heard. _New friend? Since when?_

Baekhyun nodded his head quickly, “And he’s the son of our new neighbour!” He chimed and Chanyeol almost forgot why he went there in the first place.

“Mom asked me to give this to you,” he handed the bag he was carrying to Baekhyun. His mother had cooked _Sangseonjjim_ for her new (favourite) neighbour. Baekhyun looked at the bag longer before he strode towards their kitchen.

“Do you like your new house?” Mr Byun’s attention was now on him which made him kind of antsy. He nodded. “It’s good,” he smiled at him. Baekhyun smiled like his father. Chanyeol wondered if he smiled like his father too. He hadn’t seen his father. His father passed away when he was a baby. It was only his mother and her love was enough for him not to earn for a father. But still sometimes he would wonder about how it would be to have a father.

“Baekhyun couldn’t shut up about his new seatmate. It is rare for him to talk about any of his classmates. He must really like you,” Mr Byun stated and Chanyeol didn’t know how to respond other than smiling shyly.

 

“Chanyeollie,” he turned to see Mrs Byun smiling at him as she emerged from the kitchen, with Baekhyun in tow. “Tell your mom that I thanked her. She shouldn’t have,” she pinched his cheek gently.

Chanyeol showed her a genuine smile. He started liking Mrs Byun. Something about her was always warm; her gestures, her smile, her gaze, her words, everything motherly. Chanyeol never felt like that for anyone except his mother.

“I will tell her,” he bowed to them. “Are you leaving already?” Mrs Byun asked and Baekhyun looked like he wanted to ask the same.

“Yes, mom might need help now.” He didn’t exactly lie but he wanted to leave that place because of the attention he was getting. “If you say so. But come here often. I would love to have you here,” she smiled at him warmly. Chanyeol smiled as he nodded. He bid goodbye to Mr Byun before Baekhyun followed him to their door.

He stood on his tracks when he heard Baekhyun giggle. He turned to see Baekhyun who have stopped giggling and looked apologetic. “Why are you laughing now?” Chanyeol was supposed to sound offended but he sounded giggly.

“Your ears,” Baekhyun gestured to his own ears. Before Chanyeol could even take the offense Baekhyun reached out his hand to touch Chanyeol’s ears, startling the younger in the process.

“Do they turn pink often? They are so cute,” he cooed as if he is enjoying petting a puppy. “They are like a baby’s,” Baekhyun added when Chanyeol thought he couldn’t get more embarrassed.

“This is embarrassing,” he retorted hoping that would stop the latter but it didn’t. He held another ear too and Chanyeol widened his eyes. “No, this is cute!” Baekhyun exclaimed, slightly pulling on the cute ears.

“Stop,” Chanyeol whined drawing out a chuckle from the other. “Alright, I will.” He gave one last gentle tug before letting them free.

When Chanyeol walked outside, Baekhyun stopped inside the door. “We are friends, right?” Baekhyun suddenly asked and Chanyeol looked up at him, surprised.

Baekhyun was looking at him as he smiled (not the way he always did but nervously) and there was curiosity shining in his eyes. Chanyeol asked the question internally. _He wanted a friend and why not Baekhyun?_

“If you want that,” Chanyeol looked down at his shoes, out of habit, “we can be friends.”

“Yeah?” Chanyeol almost heard Baekhyun’s grin in his voice. He looked up at him as he tried to suppress his. He gave him a big nod. “Yeah.”

That’s how their friendship started and none of them knew that their friendship would grow for years and would become something they wanted to treasure at all cost. Chanyeol, who wanted to make so many friends realised that Baekhyun was enough for him. When he had Baekhyun, he didn’t need many friends.

_

  


Chanyeol was going to turn 15 next month and Baekhyun still didn’t know what he should buy him. He liked a lot of things but Baekhyun wanted to present him something that would make him feel special. Because Chanyeol was special.

Clothes? No. Shoes? Nope. His favourite music albums? He had that a lot. Video games? But Yoora said that she was going to buy him those. He ruffled his own hair, frustrated.

“Whoa, cool down! Tell me what you are not getting,” Chanyeol finally looked up from his study notes and leaned in to see what Baekhyun was working on. They were having a study session at a cafe near their school.

Seven years had passed since the day they first met and time only bonded them together. People started asking them where the other half was, if one of them got spotted alone. They both were always attached at the hip. They had similar likings and their friendship resulted in them having same habits.

They had their differences as well. Their academics was high-light worthy. Baekhyun liked to slack away time and he was a pro at procrastinating— however he had to pull all-nighters, give up on his precious beauty sleep to do the school works so that his parents don’t disown him.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, was naturally good at studying. He liked to do his stuffs way earlier than his due dates—at which Baekhyun would scoff, “You are no fun. Why am I friends with you?” Chanyeol would forgive him and join him at his night study sessions to save his best friend’s ass from failing so that Baekhyun’s parents don’t throw him out of their house.

They were having one of such study sessions and as usual Baekhyun’s mind drifted away from studying. He was a person who easily gets distracted, unlike Chanyeol who forgets the world around him if he gets focused on one task.

“It’s an easy one, tough. You know this one,” he looked back at Baekhyun and Baekhyun sighed.

“I know, I was just thinking about something else.”

Chanyeol chuckled, “you always think about something that isn’t about studying. What’s new?”

Baekhyun ignored the teasing and looked past Chanyeol. “Jongdae’s here,” he announced and Chanyeol turned back to see the said boy.

The boy who just entered the cafe spotted them and showed them his kittenish smile, “there you guys are!”

His sudden exclamation attracted attention from people around them and both Chanyeol and Baekhyun were never fond of public attention. Jongdae and his antics. At least he was silent till he reached their table.

“Can’t you be quieter?” Chanyeol asked and Baekhyun nodded in approval. Jongdae shrugged and grinned. “That’s what I am though, loud and cheery.”

“Too loud,” commented Baekhyun, sipping on his coffee. His calculus homework laid there unbothered. Chanyeol made a mental note to remind him to do it before he goes to bed that day. Jongdae then started talking about their inter school football match and Baekhyun tuned out of it. Chanyeol was a sport freak and that was why he clicked well with Baekhyun’s classmate, Jongdae.

“We have another match with Yewon High this week. Can’t wait for Yifan hyung to kick their asses in the game.” Chanyeol became too cheery on that topic on which Baekhyun had no interest. Sometimes Chanyeol would drag Baekhyun to one of their school games. But it would end up Baekhyun getting bored. All Chanyeol did was to cheer and to brag about his favourite player, Yifan. Baekhyun would play games on his phone after the few seconds of the game.

They were both talking about how to drag Baekhyun along too with them for which Baekhyun sniggered. He wouldn’t agree to go with them this time. He had assignments to work on.

Chanyeol told them that it was time and they should go home. Jongdae told him he would stay a little longer for his cousin (who worked in that cafe) to finish his duty. Chanyeol and Baekhyun gathered their things and started walking towards the bus stop.

While walking, Baekhyun thought about what to buy for Chanyeol. “Baby,” he called the other who was one his phone and hesitated. “Want to talk about something, Baek? I noticed you were spacing out a lot when we were studying,” Chanyeol put his phone back on his pocket and turned his attention to Baekhyun. Baekhyun was debating with himself whether to ask that to him or not.

“You can tell me,” Chanyeol stopped on his tracks which made Baekhyun stop too. Baekhyun blinked before laughing it out. “It is nothing serious, baby. It is just—what do you want for your birthday?”

Chanyeol raised his eyebrows at him, “Was that what you are worked up for the last two days?” Baekhyun nodded a yes with a sheepish smile. “I don’t really know what to give you this time,” he admitted.

Chanyeol started walking with a smile on his face, leaving Baekhyun back. Baekhyun blinked in confusion before catching up with him. “Yah, tell me what you want.”

Chanyeol chuckled. “I don’t need anything, Baekhyun. Just be there for me on my birthday. That will be enough for me,” he still had his smile which brought one to Baekhyun’s face too—more wider and brighter than Chanyeol’s.

But he could not go with empty hands for his best friend’s birthday, could he?

 

_

 

Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol smiling wider at him. “It’s just a birthday invitation. What’s special?” He tried not to sound too concerned. Chanyeol was too happy to care that possible mock. “It’s from Yifan hyung. That’s what makes this special.” He missed how Baekhyun rolled his eyes at that.

“How did you both got closer anyways?” Baekhyun asked instead. Wu Yifan was a grade above them. Chanyeol wasn’t even close with any people other than Jongdae and himself, not even his own classmates. So it was surprising when he told that he got friends with the elder.

“The quiz club,” answered Chanyeol, still examining the invitation. Baekhyun frowned. _Yes, the quiz club._ He forgot that Yifan was the vice president of that club. Chanyeol didn’t know that fact before he joined and was asking Baekhyun to join with him. Baekhyun was a lazy ass.

“He is so nice with the students and he even helped me with my questions—“ Baekhyun tuned out from his friend’s rant. He was used to all those rants about Yifan. Jongdae and Chanyeol were like Yifan’s fan boys and it was getting annoying when they both talked about him sometimes.

He pulled out his phone and started messaging Jongdae as he nodded to Chanyeol who went on how Yifan was surprised because he got most of the questions right.

 

**To: JD**

_So are you up for the present hunting for baby’s bday this evening?_

 

**From: JD**

_I TOTALLY FORGOT IT!!!!!!!!_

_I AM UP FOR THAT!!!!!! :DDDD_

_JUST TELL ME AT WHAT TIME!!!!_

 

Baekhyun sighed for the fourth time that day. He hoped at least he would find a gift for him.

Unfortunately all he did was desperately search for anything that would catch his attention and commenting on Jongdae’s gifts. He went home buying nothing that night.

 

_

Chanyeol wasn’t shutting up about the birthday party and it was ticking off Baekhyun. The day before the party, he was asking Baekhyun to come with him. Baekhyun didn’t want to go. Why would he even go to someone’s party he barely knew? But at the end, he found himself standing among people he barely knew and was staring at Chanyeol talking with Yifan.

Chanyeol had introduced him to Yifan. Baekhyun had really never seen the guy up so close. He had a gummy smile—he looked good but Baekhyun wouldn’t admit that. He seemed friendly and not like Baekhyun had judged—the arrogant, looking down at others kind of boy. Okay, Baekhyun might have judged so quickly.

They have been talking about some upcoming quizzes and Baekhyun had to endure the boredom till Jongdae showed up (Jongdae was the plus three). He stuck to Jongdae throughout the whole event.

“Why are you frowning?” Jongdae asked as he picked up his third blueberry cupcake for that evening. If one thing was keeping Baekhyun from leaving both of his friends that evening was food. Baekhyun would never say no to food.

“I am not,” he said as he eyed his half eaten strawberry cheesecake. “It is boring, Jongdae... I was planning this Sunday for a movie with you both.” He kept his plate at the table they were standing near to. He didn’t feel like eating strawberry cheesecake that day even though it’s his favourite. He felt like eating the nachos they would order at the cinemas.

He glanced at where Chanyeol was standing with Yifan. He was looking curiously at something Yifan was telling him. Something uneasy settled on his chest. He might be too childish to think like that but he felt possessive of Chanyeol. Jealous? Yes, if Chanyeol got too close with anyone else. But it wasn’t like this when he got well with Jongdae.

What was different with Yifan?

Yifan was perfect at everything. He’s an MVP at their school. He had a unique Korean accent but he wasn’t even a Korean. He aced in all his tests, a top-notch student who was a prodigy at football. He was a popular guy and a head turner. Baekhyun didn’t like that Chanyeol was one of the heads that turned to see the Chinese guy.  

Maybe his insecurities were taking a toll on him but he felt that Chanyeol was not even listening to Baekhyun sometimes as he did most of the talk—that too about _his Yifan hyung_. Baekhyun tried cutting him off but Chanyeol, the overhyped human puppy, didn’t get the signs.

They were spending less time with each other already due to them being in different classes that year and Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel jealous when Chanyeol uses that less time to flaunt about how he made friends with people. Or was it just Baekhyun who couldn’t be happy for his finally out going friend?

He had a guilty feeling for thinking so. That was the reason why he let Chanyeol talk as much as he wanted and to drag him to events associated with people he barely knew. He looked at Jongdae who was beside him engaging in a conversation with someone he knew. Baekhyun sighed as he ran his eyes throughout the room.

He didn’t know anyone. His eyes fell on Chanyeol again, who was talking animatedly to Yifan. He should have stayed at home. Obviously he didn’t need Baekhyun there. He looked fine on his own. Baekhyun should have known.

He got up and walked to Chanyeol and Yifan were talking. As he got closer to them, he could hear their conversation. They were talking about some trip for which Chanyeol was denying something. Yifan was the first one to notice Baekhyun. Baekhyun shifted his eyes to Chanyeol.

“Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun would have scoffed at him mockingly if they were alone. Did he forget that he drag Baekhyun along with him too? Or he simply didn’t want to be with Baekhyun?

“I will be going,” Baekhyun told him and Chanyeol looked at him confusingly. “But we—“

“I just remembered that I have some work, baby. I will leave first. We will talk tomorrow,” Baekhyun answered him with a tight lipped smile. He didn’t notice how Yifan’s eyes shifted from Baekhyun to Chanyeol and back when he called Chanyeol ‘baby’.

He got that a lot. Ha has been calling Chanyeol that for the last five years. People would give them a funny look when Baekhyun told them that it was just his nickname for Chanyeol—because Chanyeol was practically a baby in a fifteen year old boy’s body. Chanyeol used to tell him not to call that. He even whined at some point but later gave up and got used to it.

It came to a point where people started to tease them but neither of them paid attention to the teasing. People would get tired of that anyways.

“Okay,” Chanyeol sounded unsure. As if he wanted Baekhyun to stay. Baekhyun wanted to laugh because why would he even want Baekhyun to stay with him? He had his Yifan hyung to talk with and Jongdae.

He didn’t need Baekhyun. He would have never left Baekhyun to mop alone if he needed him. While leaving Chanyeol, he heard Yifan asking Chanyeol about why Baekhyun called him _baby._

 _Because I am his friend and I will call anything I want,_ Baekhyun thought as he rolled his eyes.

After coming home, he saw a text from Chanyeol asking whether he got there safe, for which he answered with a simple yes.

 

_

 

There was only a week left for Chanyeol’s birthday and Baekhyun still had no idea what to buy for him. Chanyeol didn’t give any sign that he wanted something like he usually did. There was even one time where he directly asked Baekhyun to buy him tickets to his favourite rock band’s live concert which Baekhyun gladly bought him.

Baekhyun was lying on his stomach, basking in the comfort of Chanyeol’s bed. They were both familiar with each other’s bed as if it was their own due to the times they had sleepovers—to a point where they weren’t able to realise in whose bed they are when they woke up mid-night.

Baekhyun was done ransacking his mind for ideas. He had asked his friend once again but Chanyeol answered the same as before. Baekhyun wanted to pull his hair out of Chanyeol’s head for some reason. “Fine! Then don’t come whining to me,” he told him.

Jongdae suggested him to write a birthday letter for Chanyeol for which Baekhyun looked at him as if he asked him to do a weird thing friends never do to each other. Another thing that made their friendship special was it wasn’t necessary to confess their affection for each other to each other. Their actions spoke louder and sometimes just an eye contact was enough to communicate the idea to each other.

Jongdae’s idea wasn’t bad but Baekhyun felt writing a letter was... cheesy? Sappy? Chanyeol would laugh at his face if Baekhyun wrote him one. And there was no way on earth he would do such an embarrassing thing but still he tried writing one. When he read his letter, he laughed, calling himself a crack head and threw the letter inside his drawer. He swore not to attempt writing letters again.  

They both had few tests before the winter break and Baekhyun went to Chanyeol’s house so that they could study together (also Baekhyun thought he could get ideas what to buy for his friend but in vain). Chanyeol complained that Baekhyun studied for like two minutes when Baekhyun threw himself on the fluffy, warm bed.

“I finished two topics!” Baekhyun shot back for which Chanyeol rolled his eyes, mockingly. “That clearly isn’t enough for your grades.”

Baekhyun scoffed, “You know how I study, baby. My technique of cramming everything the night before the test is a little bit unhealthy for my studies, I know, but it works!” He threw a glance at his friend before going back to press his face against the heavenly mattress. Chanyeol sighed as he shook his head. He couldn’t argue on that. Baekhyun did a lot of procrastination but still got good grades. Even though he wasn’t as good as Chanyeol, he wasn’t bad either.

Baekhyun was humming to some song he heard in his bus that day while Chanyeol went back to revising after teasing Baekhyun that he just came for his mother’s _Sangseonjjim_ (which wasn’t a lie exactly). Baekhyun would admit thousand times if he was asked to, that he fell in love with the cooking the other’s mom did. There were countless times he would shamelessly ask Chanyeol’s mom to cook this and that and she would gladly agree because that’s how much she doted on Baekhyun.

Baekhyun felt his eyelids going heavy. He wanted to fight back his sleep but his mind blamed it on the comfort of Chanyeol’s bed. He might have gone to sleep but the faint tune of Chanyeol’s ringtone woke him up. It was an old English song he didn’t know the meaning of.

He forced himself out of his sleepiness and fished out Chanyeol’s phone from under the pillow. His drowsiness wore off when he the contact name. _Yifan hyung._

“Who’s that?” Chanyeol asked from where he was studying and turned to him. Baekhyun got up to hand him the phone and sat upright suddenly having the urge to study—an attempt to distract himself from the feeling of jealousy.

He didn’t miss how Chanyeol’s face split into a blinding grin when he saw his phone and greeted the senior with a loud _hyung!_ Baekhyun had to stop himself from scoffing loud. He didn’t want to listen to what Chanyeol was talking to his _hyung_ so he excused himself to check on Mrs Park. Maybe he could help her with cooking (he had a good heart but he could be a disaster sometimes).

His heart was merry when he smelled the flavour of the freshly baked fish when he entered the kitchen. He smiled widely at Chanyeol’s mom and she understood why he was so happy. “Eat here tonight, Baekhyun-ah. I cooked your favourite today,” she said before she pinched his cheek with shining fondness in her eyes.

Before Baekhyun could agree to that, Chanyeol entered in with the biggest grin. That brought a faint smile in her face. Baekhyun smiled too. Chanyeol’s happiness was contagious. But that smile didn’t last for long.

“Ma _,_ Yifan hyung called me. He’ll be coming to pick me up at early morning,” his smile was bright. Too bright for Baekhyun’s liking. Baekhyun felt the lack of his appetite suddenly. _Where was Chanyeol going?_ He was not aware.  He felt out of place suddenly.

His mother turned back to her boiling broth. “Are you really going?” She asked after checking the taste by taking a small sip (not before blowing on that hot liquid), nodding to herself when satisfied with the taste. “Who would say no to Jeju? I told him yes! It will be fun if I go,” Chanyeol answered still with a wide smile.

“I don’t have any problem with you going,” Chanyeol’s mom smiled at him. “Pack your things after dinner. Now, help me with setting the table. Baekhyun is joining us today,” she wiped her hands on her apron before removing it.

Baekhyun woke up from his thoughts when she uttered his name. He smiled awkwardly, “I am sorry, Mrs Park. I just remembered mom asking me to come home earlier today. I will be going,” he bowed to her whose corners of lips were tugged downwards. Baekhyun didn’t wait for them to bid goodbye. He didn’t wave back to Chanyeol like usual.

“Baekhyun, wait!” Chanyeol called him and Baekhyun halted. He turned to him with a small smile—that didn’t reach his eyes. “Your books are in my room,” Chanyeol reminded him with mild horror. “Mrs Kang will kick you out of her class if you dare to forget your books.”

Chanyeol ran towards the stairs to get to his room. Baekhyun followed him, unusually quiet. Chanyeol’s mother who watched that exchange between the boys smiled for finding out something only she was aware of. She didn’t fail to notice how Baekhyun’s face fell the moment Chanyeol talked about the trip.

Chanyeol was so excited. He had skips on his steps. He gathered all of Baekhyun’s books and his note, careful not to mix any of his books with them by accident and put them in Baekhyun’s bag while Baekhyun watched everything leaning on the door.

Baekhyun wasn’t mad at Chanyeol for going to a trip. Not at all. But he was upset that his friend didn’t dare to tell him about it. Baekhyun didn’t have a clue.

When Chanyeol handed Baekhyun his bag, he was smiling as if he didn’t do anything wrong. Baekhyun might have felt childish for being upset over such mundane thing if he wasn’t a stubborn Taurus. He snatched his bag from his friend which caught Chanyeol off guard. He blinked twice and decided not to comment on that.

Baekhyun left without a word to his friend and a short bow to his mother.

 

_

Baekhyun felt stupid the next morning. He shouldn’t have cried last night. It felt so childish. Chanyeol was not a child to be told whom he should be friends with. He knew everything. If he wanted to be friends with Yifan, Baekhyun shouldn’t be the one to intrude.

But Chanyeol could have told him a word about the trip. Baekhyun shouldn’t make a big deal out of these but he couldn’t help himself when he saw Chanyeol’s texts. He seen zoned the messages which resulted in Chanyeol sending a spam for the whole day.

Baekhyun switched off his phone and got out his bed for that day.

Baekhyun’s mood got bitter when he knew that Jongdae was aware of the trip. _Even Jongdae knew._ He asked him when they will return and he felt kind of betrayed when Jongdae told him that Chanyeol would return on the night of his birthday.

He felt like crying again.

 

_

Chanyeol knew something was wrong. He knew it when Baekhyun left Yifan’s party out of blue. He knew when Baekhyun left his house without agreeing to eat at their home. He knew it when he left without a word or glance at him that night. But he didn’t want to assume anything until Baekhyun himself tells him about that.

But Baekhyun was being annoying. He had been ignoring his messages. Chanyeol was mad at him. Baekhyun was behaving like a child. He had too much pride. And Chanyeol wasn’t ready to swallow his pride either. So he let Baekhyun act the way he wished. He was sure that Baekhyun would be back to normal if one or two days pass.

He was wrong. _So wrong._

He called Jongdae the day before his return. He knew Baekhyun wouldn’t attend his calls. So he asked Jongdae to make Baekhyun talk with him. He made Jongdae shock with his request. “You guys are fighting?!” he screamed into the phone and Chanyeol flinched almost swearing at his friend.

“We aren’t fighting. We just didn’t talk since I came here,” Chanyeol explained—or more like convinced himself. Having his birthday on the next day, he didn’t want to be in bad terms with his best friend. He didn’t even know why Baekhyun was acting like that. What if the fault was his after all? So he decided to sort out with him that day. He was determined.

Baekhyun didn’t agree to take the phone from Jongdae. No matter how hard Jongdae tried to convince him, he denied. Then Chanyeol had to beg him on the loud speaker.

“Just tell me what I did that you don’t even want to talk to me?” Chanyeol half yelled and half whispered. That was the last straw and Baekhyun snapped.

“What did you do?! Don’t you know yourself, Chanyeol?” Jongdae was bewildered at the other’s outburst because that was the first time Baekhyun snapped at Chanyeol. He always acted soft with the maknae. He rarely heard Baekhyun calling Chanyeol’s name instead of the nickname he gave him. Chanyeol, on the other hand, was too stunned to even talk.

“Don’t show your face to me, Park Chanyeol, after you asked what you did! Just go bother your smart, perfect hyung if you are bored. You don’t need to talk to me after today—“ Jongdae had to snatch his phone from his little suddenly devil-looking friend before he could hurt the remaining feelings of his other friend.

“That’s enough, Baekhyun!” He stopped Baekhyun from telling anymore offensive word, with a glare that didn’t really frighten Baekhyun even a bit. Chanyeol remained silent even when Jongdae called him. Baekhyun thought that the line went off when Jongdae kept his phone in his pocket.     

“What’s really your problem with Yifan hyung? Why do you hate him that much?” Jongdae asked his friend who was glaring at the students, whose attention turned to them when he yelled. Baekhyun felt bad for a second for making a scene in the cafeteria. People just need stories to gossip about.

He almost snapped his head at Jongdae’s question.  “I can’t hate people I barely know about, Jongdae. I don’t even know him that much to be able to hate him,” he lowered his voice this time, not wanting to gain attention for the second time. Jongdae’s features softened at his reply. He sighed as he leaned back into his seat, waiting for Baekhyun to continue. “But I just hate the feeling when I see Chanyeol with him. It feels like he is going farther away from me. I didn’t even know that he was going on a trip with him until the day before. My best friend used to tell me about everything.”

Baekhyun was hurt. Chanyeol, who used to rant about even little events that happened that day, didn’t tell him that he was going on a week-long trip with Yifan. Did he think that Baekhyun wouldn’t let him go or something? Was Baekhyun that kind of a friend?

Baekhyun looked at Jongdae who chuckled as he shook his head. “That feeling, you told now, is jealousy, Baekhyun.” Baekhyun knew what it was. He wasn’t dumb not to know. But it felt childish admitting it to Jongdae. Denying it would feel even more childish.

Baekhyun heaved out a long, breathy sigh before going back to eat. “Maybe, I am. But that doesn’t mean what he did was right,” he told his friend in a quiet voice.

 

_

 

It was Chanyeol’s birthday.

Baekhyun woke up to his mother reminding him to wish Chanyeol. But Baekhyun didn’t have the courage to call to him. Not after the things he told him the previous day. He didn’t even want to get out of his bed.

He felt like he wanted to cry. They fought a lot but they were just silly fights and they used to sort out before things became serious. Baekhyun never talked like that to Chanyeol before. Now guilt was eating up him as he knew how sensitive Chanyeol was. He indeed acted like a five year old.

He pulled up his blanket over his head to cover his eyes from the sunlight that made his eyes water even more. “Baekhyun!” his mother yelled from outside his room and he grunted a response to his mom but didn’t move. He didn’t want the day to pass with guilt killing him from inside. He ruined his friend’s birthday for him. The thought itself was hurting Baekhyun.

His mother had to yell his name three more times for him to finally get up from his bed.

Jongdae had invited him over his house to play video games but he didn’t want to go. He had to ignore the constant beeps of his phone because of his annoying friend. His hands were itching to send a birthday wish for his friend but his heart didn’t dare. He felt like he didn’t deserve wishing him after how he behaved earlier. What he did felt unbearable.

As time passed, the sinking feeling got deep. Even when his mother asked about why he looked so down, he shrugged it and blamed it on the upcoming tests. He felt so awful that day that he didn’t even feel like eating. He skipped his dinner telling that he didn’t feel well. He wanted to sleep off the guilt and apologise to Chanyeol when he comes back. He felt like everything will be okay if he did that.

As soon as he fell on his bed, tears started running down his face without even himself knowing. He didn’t even know why. He just felt so awful for doing that to Chanyeol. How hurt he would have been when Baekhyun uttered those words? Why didn’t Baekhyun act a little more mature?

His sobs grew louder as he realised how wrong he was. Chanyeol never left his side. Chanyeol was always there with him, for him. He just started to socialize with others. And Baekhyun happened to act like an ass and ruin his birthday. There were few hours remaining for that day to get over. But still it felt like it was too late to correct his mistakes.

“Chanyeol-ah,” he muttered into nothingness and his chest ached with all the crying he did. Chanyeol was someone he never wanted to lose at any cost. Chanyeol was someone he couldn’t live a life without. He loved Chanyeol so much that it hurt when he realised he hurt him, his innocent feelings.

He didn’t mind the clicking sound of his door opening. He heard the closing sound after few seconds. It must be his mother to check up on him. His heart almost stopped beating when he felt the shifting on his bed. And before he could even scream for whatever it was, he felt two arms circling his waist making him let out a gasp. He might have used his non-existing super powers to fight that thing but he knew to whom the scent belonged to.

Suddenly he felt so weak. The rest of his tears spilled unasked and he just let himself to be embraced by his friend.

“Don’t cry,” he heard his friend mutter. “I am really sorry.” Baekhyun turned around and pulled down the covers to see the face of his friend. His friend was biting on his lip to prevent himself from crying but his eyes were glimmering. “I should be the one who should apologise for acting like an ass, baby, what was even your fault?” Baekhyun’s voice cracked at the end and Chanyeol shook his head. “I should have told you. I am at fault too,” he combed Baekhyun messy hair with his fingers, a habit they both had grown accustomed to.

They grew up with each other, learning about each other. Chanyeol knew what made the latter ease at times like that. Baekhyun wasn’t the one to show his real feelings that easily. Yet Chanyeol just had to assure him with small gestures that everything would be fine. Baekhyun might go through hell but Chanyeol small ruffle at his hair would make things better and give him strength to fight anything. It was like he was ready to fight anything if he had Chanyeol beside him. How wrong he was when he thought Chanyeol might leave when he found a friend who was not Baekhyun’s own.   

“I am sorry I made you feel like that, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol told Baekhyun after a long shared silence between them. Baekhyun had stopped his tears and was laying his head on Chanyeol’s shoulders—a place where he can get a peaceful sleep no matter how shitty that day was.

“Yifan hyung might be perfect. He might be smart and famous. I might like him, might want to be friends with him,” Chanyeol made sure Baekhyun was looking at him. When Baekhyun tried to look away, he held his chin and made him look into his eyes, to prove what he was going to tell him. “But he was not the one who wanted to my friend when no one wanted. He wasn’t the one who lied about not completing the assignment to his teacher so that he can accompany his friend in the detention,” Baekhyun couldn’t hold the giggle so he chuckled, genuine and carefree. That made Chanyeol smile. “He wasn’t the one who almost kills me in my sleep just because he moves a lot in his sleep,” this earned Chanyeol an elbow to his ribs. “He wasn’t my first friend, Baekhyun. He’s not Baekhyun. He could never replace my Baekhyun. No one can.” He let out a small _aigoo_ when he saw Baekhyun pulling up his covers to hide his new forming tears. “Stop, don’t be too kind to someone who had been an ass to you,” Chanyeol almost didn’t hear what Baekhyun said because of his blankies. He had to pull down them from a resisting Baekhyun and used his thumb to wipe those tears of Baekhyun.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun’s eyes were still shining with the unshed tears. Chanyeol thought he looked beautiful. “I shouldn’t have acted like that. I shouldn’t have told such things to you...” he trailed off when Chanyeol looked away from him.

“I won’t lie to you by saying it didn’t hurt. Those were not nice things to say but I knew you didn’t mean any of them,” Chanyeol gave him a big, toothy grin. Baekhyun thought Chanyeol was being too kind. Chanyeol had always been so kind, not only him but everyone—even to those assholic kids at school who talk things behind him, despite knowing. To the point where people don’t even think twice before using his kindness. It made Baekhyun so furious at times. But thinking that he was not any less than those people, it made him mad at himself.  

Of all people who knew Chanyeol so well, why did he do that? “Oh, Chanyeol-ah, why don’t you just slap me now? I am realising how bad I hurt your feelings. Why are you being nice to me? I don’t deserve you, oh my god.”

“Because what you did wasn’t wrong. It’s normal to get possessive with your friends. It just shows how much you care about me,” Chanyeol looked back at Baekhyun who was smiling at him, the corner of his eyes wet. That made Chanyeol to let out a chuckle. “Why are you smiling like that?”

“Who taught you to talk like that, you smooth freak?” Baekhyun asked in his rough voice (because of the crying he did) and Chanyeol cackled at his nickname. “An actual cry-baby who calls _me_ a baby,” Chanyeol knew that it would fireback but he wasn’t the one to give up. Baekhyun gave him a playful glare that indicated he was ready for the battle. “But you _are_ a baby in a fifteen year old body. Baby in big, bold words.”

Chanyeol snorted. “I don’t get how I am the baby, when it is clearly you. Your height says it all—“ He didn’t even finish his sentence and Baekhyun’s hands found Chanyeol’s weak spot. Chanyeol’s eyes widen comically and he fell off the bed attempting to free himself from Baekhyun’s merciless tickles. Chanyeol had to beg in between his laughs to let him go and Baekhyun finally showed some mercy, afraid that Chanyeol might choke due to his laugh.  

When Chanyeol’s laughing died down, he noticed how Baekhyun’s eyes shone with some light that made him afraid somehow. “W-What now?” Baekhyun pointed at the alarm clock on his side stand and Chanyeol saw the time.

“There’s still an hour more,” Baekhyun pointed the wall clock behind Chanyeol and Chanyeol rolled his eyes playfully, getting what Baekhyun was meaning. “Yeah,” Chanyeol tilted his head to his left and waited for Baekhyun to lean in and kiss his cheek. Another thing of Baekhyun—to give him birthday kisses. Baekhyun made an exaggerating sound of _mwah_ to embarrass Chanyeol, earning a groan from him.

“Happy fifteenth birthday, baby.” Baekhyun told him and Chanyeol slowly got up on the bed again, alert just in case Baekhyun pulled any act on him. Baekhyun snuggled closer and Chanyeol held him even closer as he knew Baekhyun hated to sleep in cold. “Guess I am replacing _Haneul_ today?” Baekhyun looked at his teddy bear that Chanyeol gifted on his eleventh birthday. “Yes but don’t do this if you don’t want to,” he laid an option in front of friend but Chanyeol laughed it off. “Ha, it’s alright. I would love to have you strangle me in your sleep today, yes please.” And that earned him a soft slap against his cheek where he kissed minutes ago.

 _Haneul_ was the name they both gave to the teddy bear because it was in baby blue, Baekhyun’s favourite colour. All those times they had sleepovers, they always fought for setting the air-conditioning temperature. Chanyeol couldn’t sleep if it’s too hot while Baekhyun hated getting cold. So he ended up cuddling too close for Chanyeol’s comfort. Chanyeol would wake up whining to Baekhyun telling him to move away from him.

So Chanyeol bought him a big sized teddy so that he could hug the hell out it during their sleepovers. Baekhyun had shoved that teddy into his face asking him if he was a girl to sleep with teddies albeit liking Chanyeol’s gift so much.

But it’s hard to kill habits. “But you are warmer than Haneul!” Baekhyun had told him as he set aside Haneul beside the bed and scooted over to a whining, grunting sleepy Chanyeol, that night.

 

_

 

Baekhyun woke up whining because of lack of warmth. Chanyeol might have woken up before him. He stretched his arms as he blinked out the sleepiness. He felt peaceful as he had a good sleep after many stressful days.

He brushed his teeth before going down and wasn’t surprised when he saw Chanyeol helping his mother in making breakfast. That wasn’t a new scene. Most of the times Chanyeol stayed at his house, he would wake up before Baekhyun and help his mom, earning compliments from his mom. Baekhyun liked to witness those scenes because Chanyeol’s ears would go pink hearings his mother’s coos.

Baekhyun’s mother was the first one to notice him. She threw a knowing smile at Baekhyun’s direction as she glanced at an oblivious Chanyeol who was washing the plates to set them on the table.  “Looks like you sorted things out with Chanyeol?”

That was when Chanyeol turned to acknowledge Baekhyun’s presence and he smiled sheepishly at the Byuns. Baekhyun just nodded before he made his way to the refrigerator to get some orange juice. He didn’t tell anything to his mother and yet he wasn’t surprised at all.

Of course, his mother would notice him sulking all the day. She might have notice the way Baekhyun dodged Chanyeol related questions that week. That was something unusual from Baekhyun who usually got active at the mention of his best friend.  

“So this was why you weren’t buying Chanyeol a present?” Baekhyun’s mother asked him with a disappointed frown. Baekhyun was pouring the juice into the glasses when he realised and he almost cursed at himself.

“Oh no, mom! Argh, how can I?” He slumped in the nearby chair dejectedly with his face pressed into his palms, leaving Chanyeol and his mother to blink at each other, totally perplexed. “I totally forgot! I—Even Jongdae didn’t remind me! No no no... This can’t be happening,” he trailed off, thinking about something what he should do. Seriously how did he even forget about Chanyeol’s gift? His eyes almost welled up with tears.

“Baekhyun,” Baekhyun didn’t know when Chanyeol got closer but he had his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder, “relax, okay? It’s okay. Didn’t I tell you that I don’t want anything? And I know you were busy with the revisions and all—“

“No, Chanyeol! I—ugh! You won’t understand! It was your fifteenth birthday. You don’t turn fifteen every year... I wanted to make it special but see what I did. I ruined it for you.” He stopped when his mother called him. He turned to see his mother who was smiling at them. “I had a hunch that you were not in good terms with each other so I thought you don’t want to buy one,” she talked as she wiped her hands in her apron before removing it.

“Why would I do that? I would never do that. Not to Chanyeol,” Baekhyun admitted with a worrying frown etched over his forehead. “I know, Baekhyun. That is why I decided to give Chanyeol this,” his mother told him as she grabbed something from a paper bag behind the counter. Baekhyun might have gasped when he saw what he was holding, “Not that one!” He really wanted to cry.

That was a red coloured poorly knitted scarf with white patterns on them. Baekhyun made that when his grandmother taught him during his summer vacation. It looked good except for some places where the wool came out of its place because of careless knitting. Otherwise it looked cute. _At least for Chanyeol_. Chanyeol seemed curious with what was happening. “What’s that?” Baekhyun let out a grunt before taking away that scarf from his mother.  

“Baekhyunnie made that but he doesn’t like it that much. It is going to be cold in few days so I thought he could gift you this,” his mother told and Baekhyun shook his head with horror. “This scarf?! This looks ugly as f—a frog?” Chanyeol had to clamp his mouth to avoid laughing out loud on how his friend managed not to curse in front of his mother. Baekhyun’s mother gave him a confused look.

“I can’t give Chanyeol an ugly scarf. This is not special,” Baekhyun sounded so disappointed. When he sighed, his mother gave him a knowing smile before saying, “Your heart matters, Baekhyun. I am sure Chanyeol knows your love is special,” she turned to Chanyeol who nodded with a genuine, shy smile. Baekhyun might have noticed the way his ears coloured while he nodded if he wasn’t fretting. “This scarf might look ugly but it will keep him and his heart warm. He won’t feel alone having your scarf.”

Baekhyun slightly gaped at his mother and Chanyeol silently agreed with her. “She’s right, Baekhyun-ah. Don’t call it ugly. If your scarf’s anything then it would be adorable,” Baekhyun really couldn’t tell if Chanyeol was telling genuinely or sarcastically. After seeing his friend’s warm smile, he decided that it was the former one.

“You both watch too many dramas these days, I swear.” He sighed and finally gave them both a smile.

When eating Mrs Byun’s special _seolleongtang,_ Chanyeol felt like he was in heaven. That warm ox bone soup was all he needed on that chilly day. Baekhyun lost count on how many times he complimented his mother’s cooking when they were eating.

“You talk as if your mother is bad at cooking,” Baekhyun did a whacking motion to his friend who didn’t even flinch at that. Chanyeol shut his mouth by feeding him a meat piece from his bowl. “I am just telling the truth, shut up and eat.”

_

 

“Byun Baekhyun,” Chanyeol, who had returned from his home after taking a shower, called Baekhyun who was texting Jongdae (spamming him polite profanities just because he managed to gift Chanyeol a cute rilakumma plushie and didn’t even bother to remind him), “move a little.”

“Where?” Baekhyun asked too concentrated on his phone (because his friend was seen-zoning him). Chanyeol didn’t answer but dragged Baekhyun up from his bed which resulted in Baekhyun swearing twice. “You should have just told me to get up,” he was thankful that he didn’t drop the phone or else he would have thrown his broken phone to Jongdae’s face for what that bastard was doing.

“Don’t curse,” Chanyeol, who let Baekhyun free, searched for something on his bed. Baekhyun absent-mindedly let out an, “huh?” before pocketing his phone. “That’s how I am—Wait, what are you looking for?”

“My scarf,” Chanyeol answered him still rummaging his bed covers and walked to his closet to ransack it. _“Your scarf?”_ Baekhyun asked as he crossed his arms against his chest. “You are just accepting it because I shouldn’t feel bad, aren’t you?”

“Shut up, I really like it. Where’s that? Let me see it,” he asked mimicking Baekhyun’s position. Baekhyun sighed and gently pushed Chanyeol away from his closet to get it for him. If one of the things that happened because of years of their friendship, that would be Chanyeol being stubborn. Baekhyun’s stubbornness was rubbing off on him.

He looked at his poor scarf before throwing it to his friend who managed to catch it with a too bright grin. “Yah! Come here,” Chanyeol called his friend who tried to take his phone back, to distract himself from the embarrassment. “How does this look on me?”

When Baekhyun saw his friend, he noticed that his friend had worn a sweater matching to the scarf Baekhyun gave. It didn’t look bad as Baekhyun thought. “It looks... good?”

“It looks the best on me, right?” Chanyeol gave him his signature lop-sided grin. Most of the times that made him look a little bit cocky but this time Baekhyun could see the underlying genuine satisfaction. He realised how lucky he was to have Chanyeol as his best friend.

“Nope,” Baekhyun decided that he should tease his friend a little not knowing that it could backfire at him. Chanyeol flashed him a hurt look but Baekhyun knew better by being his friend for the last seven years. “I thought I am the most handsome person for you,” Chanyeol told it in a cute manner and Baekhyun didn’t bat an eyelash.

“Who told you so?” He retorted not noticing his friend’s growing smirk. All Chanyeol had to do to make his jaw drop was to hold a letter up. Baekhyun gasped when he realised what Chanyeol was holding. _Did god made that day to embarrass Baekhyun to death?_

“YAH PARK FREAKING CHANYEOL, GIVE THAT BACK TO ME!” Baekhyun almost threw himself over his overgrown friend in an attempt to snatch that embarrassing letter he attempted to write as a birthday letter. Chanyeol should have found it when he ransacked his room while searching for the goddamn scarf. _Oh god he wished he didn’t write that letter so sappily._

“Never knew you could be so cheesy, Byun Baekhyun.” And that was when Baekhyun knew that Chanyeol would never let that die.


	3. 2

It was May twenty-fifth. Chanyeol was leaning on a pillar with a big red rose bouquet with him as he listened to the slow music that was playing in the background, faintly. Chanyeol remembered that song. Baekhyun liked that song so much. He peeked behind the pillar. His heart felt like it just revived when he saw Baekhyun walking slowly down the altar. The whole scene was so beautiful— _serene_.

Baekhyun had always been beautiful to Chanyeol’s eyes. When he first saw him, he was beautiful. When Baekhyun came apologising during their first fight, he looked beautiful. When Baekhyun started telling him about his first love, he looked so beautiful that Chanyeol started believing in love. Love made people look beautiful—made them glow. Baekhyun was beautiful when he laughed at him who cried because Baekhyun was sick. Now he looked so beautiful—agonisingly beautiful yet Chanyeol didn’t want to look away from Baekhyun who stood with a faint smile and eyes occasionally roaming over the people present there.

Baekhyun looked like how magic would have been if it was real. Luring his sight, making him unable to look away even if it hurt him to death. Maybe Chanyeol wanted to imprint that sight into his memories to reminisce it for the rest of his life because he was sure we wouldn’t see Baekhyun again anymore. _That’s what he thought that morning when he left a sound asleep Baekhyun too._ Yet he found himself standing at the place he never wanted to be—not even his dreams, at least not like that.

With great difficulty, he averted his eyes from Baekhyun and scanned the room. He was standing in a place where he couldn’t be seen by Baekhyun or the people who were seated facing the altar. He felt relieved for that one reason.

 _White_. The whole venue was decorated with white balloons, white flowers, everything white (amidst there were few sapphire and baby blue coloured here and there). The decorations were beautiful. It gave a royal look to the wedding hall. He could hear people around him praising the decorations and appreciating the colour choices.

He remembered Jongdae telling him that it was Kyungsoo who helped him with all those wedding plans; the decorations, food and everything. Kyungsoo was Baekhyun’s friend from university. Chanyeol had only seen him in Baekhyun’s photos but he had heard that he was a perfectionist.

Thinking about the man, Chanyeol ran his eyes throughout the venue to see where he was. It didn’t take more than few seconds to find the man who had heart shaped, kind smile. He was standing with some people, probably from their college or even from their school. He recognised some of their faces, though he didn’t remember their names except for two of them.

A pretty lady was standing beside Kyungsoo, holding his arm. Maybe his date for the event. They seemed to suit each other well. Chanyeol was supposed to feel happy for the man. He was happy but the way they smiled at each for something someone said left a bitter feeling in Chanyeol’s chest.

His attention was snatched by a familiar voice. He searched for the source and almost let out a gasp when he found the man. He couldn’t believe his eyes for who he was looking at.

 _Oh Sehun_. His junior when he was in high school. He couldn’t help but feel amused at what a handsome man that boy had grown into. His last memory of the man was a skinny boy who rarely showed emotions. Now he looked like a model that walked away from a photo shoot. He was talking animatedly to a guy, whom Chanyeol didn’t recognise or maybe he didn’t even know him.

The guy was as tall as Sehun and looked equally handsome as him with his charming bronze skin, contrast to Sehun’s fair, pale one. Sehun started laughing at him and the guy had a look something akin to betrayal, with a faint pout.

For a moment, Chanyeol wondered what they were. They both looked at each other like how Chanyeol looked at his lover. Sehun held the guy’s hand after calming himself and dragged him towards the other side. Chanyeol didn’t fail to notice how the other guy melted at that small gesture. Chanyeol wouldn’t mistake that for anything other than a kind of intimation two lovers share.

Surprisingly, his heart felt a kind of fondness for the younger. He wasn’t close to the younger when they were in school but Sehun was someone he could relate his life with. Sehun was the one who made him grow hope within himself and accept who he was. For that one reason, he would be always thankful for the younger.

His heart almost stopped when he heard someone calling him. He thought he was doomed for the rest of his life but let out a shaking sigh when he saw who that was. “Junmyeonnie hyung,” he slightly bowed to the elder and Junmyeon smiled at him, eyes amused seeing his junior from college.

The last time he saw the elder was few years ago on his wedding. He saw his senior walking to him. Kim Junmyeon was that kind of senior who was kind enough to help everyone, even the juniors whenever they needed him. The kind to greet them with kind smiles at the hallways. Chanyeol talked to only few people besides Baekhyun and Jongdae. Junmyeon was one of those few people.

He was alone. Chanyeol wondered where his wife was. “Indeed, how can I mistake this tall form for someone that is not you,” Junmyeon joked as the first thing and Chanyeol might have laughed. “How are you doing, hyung?” He asked his senior who nodded, “Everything’s going fine.” Before Junmyeon could ask him back the same question, he questioned him about his wife. He was tired answering to that kind of questions.

 _How are you? Are you doing well? How’s life?_ Would they believe him if he told them that he wasn’t okay, that he was not doing well? Would they believe him if he told them that he was just surviving and not living life in a way he wanted to be? Of course, who would believe him when he was so good at pretending? He would say that he was fine and people, blind to his miseries, would believe him.  

“Where’s noona?” He asked to Junmyeon, who smiled fondly on hearing that. He pointed out to the one of the seats in the middle section, which was supposed to be for friends other than family. Chanyeol looked at where he was pointing and spotted Junmyeon’s wife. “Whoa hyung!” he exclaimed when he saw that noona had a little baby bump. “When are you expecting the baby?” He asked excited for that new life that was going to come out to experience the world, for a minute forgetting his saddening life.

“The due is in three months, so maybe August,” his face broke into a charming smile. Chanyeol mirrored it unconsciously. “That’s great!” He hugged Junmyeon. “Take care of her well. And make me know when the baby is born,” he said after the hug and Junmyeon nodded as a silent promise.

“Did you meet Yifan yet? Yixing and Minseok are here too, I guess,” Junmyeon said as he looked around. Chanyeol saw everyone but he didn’t approach any of them. He didn’t even know why he was there. He didn’t want to be there but still, he found himself amidst of people who he wanted to avoid.

Then again, Chanyeol never understood most of the things he did in his life.

“I just came, hyung. And I was going to make a call,” he felt bad for lying to Junmyeon but he didn’t have any other choice but lying to make Junmyeon leave his side. He just wanted to leave the place as soon as possible, before anyone could spot him there.

Junmyeon bought that. “Oh, are you here with Jiho?” The other question Chanyeol dreaded. He shook his head with a smile, hoping that it wasn’t too sad or awkward. “He couldn’t make it here,” he managed to tell. He could lie some more. That was what he was good at. At that point, he felt like his whole life was going to turn into a lie. That was why he was leaving everyone so that he could stop pretending as if he was fine.

“Ah I see,” Junmyeon nodded and patted Chanyeol on the shoulders, “Go make that call and come back quick. I will go talk with the others.” He left Chanyeol after saying that. Chanyeol couldn’t even smile anymore after that question about Jiho. It had been almost two years since they last talked even though they both work at the same place.

He leaned back to the pillar he was standing behind. How he wished his life was easier as Junmyeon’s or Kyungsoo’s or even Sehun’s. How would it feel to be fortunate with love? Chanyeol could never relate. He looked over his shoulder to see Baekhyun. He had never seen Baekhyun glowing that much—not even in his dreams. The glow he radiated dimmed those lights above him. Chanyeol’s heart was pounding inside when he saw Baekhyun smiling at someone out of nowhere and he ignored to acknowledge it.

Chanyeol watched as Baekhyun caught his mother’s eyes and gave her a shy smile as his eyes glistened. His mother was tearing up as well. Chanyeol’s heart, on other was swelling with pride. He wasn’t supposed to feel like that. He wasn’t supposed to feel happy for someone who he had been resenting days ago. It surprised him. But whatever might have happened. The truth is Baekhyun was still his friend. The one he grew up with. The one who gave Chanyeol a new world with new people he grew to like. The one who liked Chanyeol so much. The one who _loved_ even when he acknowledged the real Chanyeol.

Their bond was and remained special. Chanyeol wouldn’t deny. But he was the one who almost ruined it at some point. But Baekhyun was too kind to be even angry at Chanyeol for every mess he made. He still wanted accept Chanyeol into his life. Baekhyun _loved_ him.

What would Chanyeol do? Baekhyun was cruel as that.

Chanyeol didn’t even realise someone had called him from behind until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He flinched at the sudden contact and frowned when he saw who that was. He turned to face Kim Jongdae, looking worriedly at him. He didn’t know how but his vision got blurred for a moment, indicating that he was going to break down anytime soon. Jongdae might have asked if he was okay. He wasn’t able to catch what he said clearly. He was trembling. He wasn’t okay.

He heard people happily murmuring gleefully so he turned towards their subject. There she was. Glowing as bright as Baekhyun in her white gown. Chanyeol didn’t want to look at Baekhyun. That would be painful to endure. He was afraid that Baekhyun’s look now would haunt him for the rest of his life. But his eyes betrayed him. His gaze moved from her to Baekhyun. What hurt the most was how much of love Baekhyun’s eyes held for her.

“I told you not to come here,” Jongdae hissed, with gritted teeth to a Chanyeol who was still watching Baekhyun. “You never know what to listen and see yourself now. You are hurting,” his friend rubbed his back as Chanyeol looked away from Baekhyun, eyes too blurry for him to see.

“I am just being the friend he wanted me to, Dae. Let me do this for him. Just this once,” his voice cracked. Chanyeol looked up the ceiling so that the tears would stop. Tears were stubborn. Just like him. Jongdae shook his shoulder that made Chanyeol look at him. Jongdae was flabbergasted. Of course, he would be. He never saw Chanyeol that broken before. Chanyeol never talked about Baekhyun to anyone—well except for Baekhyun himself.

“What do you mean by that? I am scared, Chanyeol. What are you talking about?” He was asked by a baffled Jongdae. Chanyeol tried to smile at him while his mind was trying to erase the image of Baekhyun smiling at his bride. “I will get lost from his life once this wedding is over.” Chanyeol looked back at the couple making his heart tough enough to endure the bitter reality, even though he felt like his heart was going to bleed.

Chanyeol looked at the beautiful bride, whose place he wished to be in—whom Baekhyun loved, _Ji Hyeran_.

 

=

 

“Yah, Byun Baekhyun!”

Baekhyun groaned groggily at the annoying voice. The growth sprouts of his friend were evil—making his voice kind of deep and annoying. Oh how young Chanyeol’s sweet voice sounded. Where did it go? Baekhyun missed that voice.

“What? Go away. I need to sleep!”

On the other hand, his voice sounded squeaky. His damn growth hormones betrayed him. He groaned louder when he felt his blanket being dragged. “Go away, baby! I need to sleep!”

“But we have school to attend, don’t we? Aren’t you a good boy? Get up, get up, Baekhyunnie,” he started tickling Baekhyun sides and Baekhyun shrieked in horror. “Stop! Ok—arck! I am up!” He sat upright on his bed.

Chanyeol was laughing at him. Baekhyun just watched him with a very displeased look and tried to tame the bird nest on his head. “Is this why you woke me up? To laugh at my morning hair?” He asked when the annoying laughter went down.

“It is time for school,” Chanyeol moved closer to comb the elder’s hair with his fingers. “And do you want to be late for our first day in the final year?”

Baekhyun slightly swat his hand away, yawning. “You should’ve told me this when we’re gaming late night yesterday.”

Chanyeol snorted as he plucked Haneul, the teddy from his friend’s embrace so that he can get off the bed. “As if I didn’t,” he muttered as Baekhyun sat there blinking away his sleep.  

Baekhyun didn’t move from his place, “Alright, go away now so that I can get ready. Seeing you this cheery in the morning is so annoying,” he told in a dazed voice. Chanyeol raised his eyebrow at his friend.

“So you can doze off like you did last time? Shoo now,” he pulled Baekhyun till he was on his feet and pushed a groaning Baekhyun into his bathroom. “If I sleep in any of my classes, then it’s your fault,” Baekhyun mumbled when closing the door and Chanyeol rolled his eyes.

After hearing Baekhyun start the shower, Chanyeol left his room to go to the kitchen so that he can chat with Mrs Byun and help her if he can. He saw Baekhyun’s mother making ham sandwiches for them. Baekhyun came down wearing his uniform, similar to Chanyeol’s. He asked his mother to pack the sandwiches for them to eat at school. Without them asking, Baekhyun’s mother packed extra two for Jongdae.

They left Baekhyun’s house together, after bidding goodbye to his mother. On their way to the bus stop, both of them received texts from school regarding their schedules. “What! Double calculus on Mondays!” cried Baekhyun. Chanyeol winced as he peeked into the elder’s schedules, “Mondays can’t get any more annoying, can they?”

Baekhyun snatched Chanyeol’s phone to see his and sighed, “Yours look better than mine. I have got three double periods while you got only one.” Then a small smile appeared, “but don’t you think we are missing some really, really great scene now? Jongdae must have seen this by now.”

They stared at each other before they both imitated Jongdae’s whiny _‘ah wae?!’_ at the same time.

“Did you see our schedules?” Jongdae yelled as soon as they both got on the bus. “Double history, Baekhyun! How am I going to survive that?” he whined, making the both of them guffaw.

Jongdae moved towards the window so that they both can sit. Baekhyun handed him the sandwich box as he checked his inbox. No messages from Jieun for the last two weeks.  

Jongdae, whose eyes started shining at the sight of the ham sandwiches, looked at Baekhyun. “Also did you notice that we don’t have any frees at the same time as Chanyeol?”

Baekhyun, who was about to choose a cucumber-less sandwich from the box, halted midway. “What? No way,” he looked at Chanyeol who was checking their schedules and saw a frown etch on his face. “Unfortunately, he’s right. We don’t have any.”

“This year is already a mess,” sighed Jongdae as he passed on sandwich to Baekhyun, who passed it quickly to Chanyeol because they had cucumbers. He waited for him to pass another only to be given another that had cucumbers. He frowned before pushing it back to Jongdae, who was grinning. He glared at his friend till he handed him the cucumber-less sandwich.

Watching Baekhyun getting sulky, Jongdae spoke, “Oh but we have three frees matching with Jieun’s.” He expected Baekhyun at least smile at the mention of his girlfriend’s name but Baekhyun became sulkier. He wanted to ask what was wrong but Chanyeol drifted the topic away.

“As Junmyeon hyung graduated already, we are short of one person for the library duties. I know your answers but still, wanna volunteer?”

“No, thanks.” They both chorused, not even glancing at him earning a snort from him. “What did I even expect from you two?” Chanyeol muttered as he nibbled on his sandwich.

“I almost forgot that we won’t be seeing Jun hyung,” Baekhyun told, while Chanyeol was silently complaining. Jongdae quickly swallowed to talk, “And Yifan hyung too.”

Chanyeol felt a funny flip inside his stomach on hearing his senior’s name. “Matches won’t be interesting like it used to. Yifan hyung’s the real MVP,” Jongdae added. “Good thing. You can spent that time on helping me with school stuffs,” Baekhyun, who was never a fan of watching basketball matches, told them.

“And why should we?” Chanyeol asked as he felt relieved at the topic diversion. Baekhyun raised his eyebrow at him before retorting back, “Because I am the oldest here!”

“Oldest, my ass.”

“I heard that Jongdae! At least be grateful for the sandwiches I brought for you!” Jongdae stuck out his tongue at Baekhyun before grabbing his second sandwich.

“These kids,” Chanyeol muttered, rolling his eyes.

They parted their ways to their respective classes. Chanyeol thanked god that his class was on the first floor unlike last time where he had to climb three floors. After getting to his class, he quickly sent Jongdae a text.

_Don’t bring up Jieun to Baekhyun. I guess there’s something wrong with them. Let them sort it out first._

He put his phone on silent after getting a thumbs up symbol from Jongdae.

 

_

 

During the lunch, Chanyeol joined the both after coming from the library. “Someone already volunteered to fill in Junmyeon hyung’s place,” He informed them, in a pleased tone. “Oh really? Who’s that?” Baekhyun asked absent-mindedly, his face scrunched up slightly as he transferred the offending vegetable to Chanyeol’s tray. Jongdae didn’t care. Who talks about library when food is in front of them?

“Oh Sehun,” he told before starting eating. “The one a year below us?” Jongdae asked as his interest piqued up on hearing the familiar name. “Yeah, it must be him,” Baekhyun added after getting rid of those cucumbers. “Ah, he seems nice,” Chanyeol commented as he stared at the cucumber heap on his tray before picking one of them to eat.

“He’s popular among the girls. Our classmates gush a lot about him,” Jongdae talked through a pout, “I heard Seulgi calling him cute once.”

Baekhyun shook his head, chewing and talked after swallowing the food, “But he’s nice. He smiles at me whenever we meet in the hallways. Most of our juniors don’t do that,” he saw Jongdae nodding in agreement. (Chanyeol, after meeting Sehun, had to agree with Baekhyun. Sehun seemed to be polite junior who helped Chanyeol in the library duties unlike the other students who sign up just to bunk classes.)

“There she goes again,” Baekhyun said in a droopy voice. Both Chanyeol and Jongdae noticed Jieun coming to the cafeteria and not even glancing at her boyfriend. “I don’t know what to do with her,” he whined. Chanyeol and Jongdae glanced at each other before Jongdae asked what happened.

“She’s mad again! She gets mad for trivial things!” And the both spent the rest of the time listening to his ranting. At last Jongdae told him to just go and make up with her. “You speak like it’s the easiest thing,” complained Baekhyun.

“Well, you should try at least,” Jongdae retorted. Baekhyun backfired at him telling him to say that after managing to ask out Seulgi.   

But later that week, Baekhyun managed to make up with his girlfriend.

 

_

 

Months passed little fast than they expected and their final exams preparations started exhausting them (“Do we really need to pass those?” Jongdae cried aloud once after his double history). Everything was going well for those three friends.

Until one day.

There were whisperings everywhere—probably a rumour. Chanyeol really didn’t care to ask anyone what was all the jazz as he knew who might have started it. Sungyeol, also a final year student, messed around with people just because he can.

When they joined for lunch that day, Baekhyun had a grimace on his face while Jongdae was void of any emotions. “What’s wrong?” Chanyeol asked them.

“Did you hear anything about it?” Chanyeol knew that he was referring to the thing everyone was whispering about.

Chanyeol shook his head. He didn’t really care. He saw Jongdae silently eating food which was unusual. “Did someone steal money from their fellow student’s again?” Sungyeol usually spread stuffs like that.

“No,” Baekhyun answered and Chanyeol noticed how Baekhyun hadn’t even touched his food. “It’s about Oh Sehun.”

Chanyeol was surprised. _Oh Sehun?_ The news wasn’t the only thing that made him surprise. It must be something stupid story made by Sungyeol like he usually did but the way Sehun’s name rolled out from Baekhyun didn’t seem right. His tone was unfamiliar with detest. Chanyeol contemplated whether he should know anything more about Sehun—not when Baekhyun spoke as if he loathed the boy. Even though he wasn’t that close with Sehun, a few conversations with him made his grew fond of him for reason he didn’t know.

“What about him?” Honestly, he didn’t want to hear.

"He is together with someone," he trailed off, the grimace permanent on his face as he talked.

"What’s wrong with that?" Chanyeol asked confused with the tone Baekhyun was using. He knew Baekhyun wasn't someone to judge people just because Sungyeol started spreading some false news. When Baekhyun looked up at Chanyeol, he saw what his eyes held—displeasure.

"He is dating a boy."

Chanyeol froze when he realised what Baekhyun told. Sehun was _gay_. And the look Baekhyun had shredded Chanyeol's heart into pieces —it was as if he didn't want to be anywhere near that boy. That look was unbearable. Chanyeol felt like his palms were being pierced by needles.

Baekhyun sighed as he noticed that Chanyeol got tensed. "Can’t believe, right? I never saw this coming..."

Suddenly, Chanyeol wanted to stop talking. He didn’t want to hear anything anymore. "Wouldn't it be weird, baby? Strange? A boy liking another boy?"

Chanyeol wished he had an answer. But he felt as if he couldn't find his tongue. What would he even tell Baekhyun anyways? That he was too like Sehun? That he would too love a boy rather than a girl? Would he able to bear that detesting look from Baekhyun? Wouldn't he break down the next second knowing that Baekhyun is disgusted with him?

Chanyeol realised it the previous year— _that he wasn't really interested in girls._

It was Yifan—his first crush. Chanyeol must have found his accent attractive. Or it might be his gummy smile that must have convinced Chanyeol that yes, he did have a teeny weenie bit of a crush on him.

But that crush was quick to wear off, just the way it appeared. It didn't even develop into anything other than attraction.

Chanyeol wasn't surprised when he found out about his sexuality; instead, he was afraid of the consequences if he had to come out. He knew what all the things could go wrong if he did. He didn't even know how his own family would react.

It had been a year since he found out about his sexuality and no one knew. He wasn't planning to tell anyone sooner either— _not even his Baekhyun._

But the feeling of guilt killed him—knowing that he was keeping something from Baekhyun. He almost played with the thought of confessing it to Baekhyun but he wanted to get ready to be able to confess his biggest secret to his friend. But after getting an idea of what his reaction would be his heart begged him not to commit that mistake.

“It’s time for Calculus, Baekhyun. Come, let’s go.” That was the only thing Jongdae managed to speak during the whole time.

Chanyeol, for the first time in his life, wanted to go home as soon as possible and felt like staying at his room the rest of the day—alone, without Baekhyun.

He didn’t feel like going school the next day. But he didn’t have excuses not to. He managed to avoid the other two as much as possible for the next few days. He went straight to his class, not talking much with the other two. Even at lunch, he finished early, telling that he had work to do. At the evenings, whether Baekhyun came over to his place or not, he kept his nose buried into books so that they didn’t need to talk. But Baekhyun was smarter.

“What’s wrong with you?” He asked out of blue, one evening. Chanyeol looked up from his chemistry notes that he was copying for Baekhyun (Baekhyun and Jongdae managed to bunk one of their double chemistry the last day).

“Me?”

“Yes, you! You are acting weird these days.” Chanyeol didn’t know why but Baekhyun seemed snappish that day. He kind of snapped at Jongdae when he was complaining about the double history that day. “Tell me what’s bothering you?”

It was true that a lot of things were bothering him. But that didn't mean he was ready to tell Baekhyun. He would have told Baekhyun (whom else was to he going to share those things to anyway?) if it was any other thing but not about his sexuality.

"It must be either you don't want to tell me or it is too personal. Isn't it?" Baekhyun spoke, this time calmer, when he saw Chanyeol spacing out, instead of answering him. There wasn't any sign of dejection on his tone but Chanyeol didn't like the sound of it.

"There is nothing personal when it comes to you, Baekhyun. And you know I can't hide anything from you." Chanyeol's frown deepened with every word. Maybe it was the tone he used. Or simply because it was him. Baekhyun seemed to loosen up a bit.

"I know," Baekhyun said in a soft tone, taking his hand to Chanyeol’s left ear, just to hold. It was one of Baekhyun's habits. He just held them whenever he felt like and sometimes would caress it gently. Chanyeol used to whine that _it is embarrassing!_ but Baekhyun never listened. His hand would find Chanyeol's ears at random times. Eventually the embarrassment died down replaced by a sense of comfort.

“But you seemed disturbed these days. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Chanyeol felt grateful for his friend’s concern but he didn’t want to tell him what was bothering him. He might lose a friend if he did so.

"It’s nothing, Baekhyun." He talked after a short silence. Baekhyun looked at him, to see if he was saying the truth. Chanyeol was afraid that Baekhyun might see through his lies but fortunately, he seemed to believe him. He smiled.

The smile fell as soon as it came. Baekhyun's hand was still lingering on his left ear and he caressed it occasionally. The gesture always made Chanyeol sleepy. It was too soothing not to bask under the warmth it sent down his body.

“I broke up with Jieun,” Baekhyun told him, voice too quiet. Chanyeol almost didn’t catch it. But when he realised what Baekhyun had told him, he widened his eyes. “What? When?”

“This morning. She said she didn’t want this.” He told as a little smile found its place on his lips. But Chanyeol could see how forced it was. “You know, I won’t tell I didn’t see this coming.”

Chanyeol didn’t know what to say (not everyday Baekhyun returned to him after a breakup). “Is that why you were in a bad mood? Because she broke up?”

Baekhyun chuckled lightly. “Because I _didn’t_ feel sad, baby. Shouldn’t I feel hurt?”

“Maybe she wasn’t the one, Baekhyun.” That was the only thing Chanyeol managed to say as an attempt to comfort his friend. He didn’t know if that was a right thing to say. He saw Baekhyun slightly nod at that.

"But I thought she was, you know? I felt giddy, excited, frustrated and afraid all at the same time whenever I saw her," Baekhyun told after some thinking.

Chanyeol just listened silently.

"It felt like a single smile from her made my day better. My day would feel like shit if I didn't see her. There were sparks when I saw her. My heart used to race as if it is going to jump out. There would be butterflies in my stomach."

As Baekhyun told him those, it kind of felt funny because for Chanyeol, everything seemed familiar as if he had felt these things before. But he didn't dwell on those thoughts and listened to Baekhyun whose eyes had the softest look. His friend was smiling and calming warmth seeped into his heart. Only Baekhyun's smile had that effect on him but he wasn't aware of the fact.

“Ah, why is this so hard as fuck to be in—“ his sentence got cut abruptly when he earned a slap against his back.

“Stop cursing.” Chanyeol, who felt like waking up from a reverie, chided Baekhyun with a very serious face and Baekhyun chuckled at that, forgetting what he was worrying about. Chanyeol was too sweet to even hear his friend cursing.  “I couldn’t help but slip words like that, baby. Don’t mind me,” he stuck out his tongue at his friend.

“I am not letting Jongdae near you again till he stops cursing,” he muttered while he ruffled his own hair—a sign of frustration. Baekhyun found that adorable. He let go his ear and held his chin between his fingers. His fingers worked on his friend’s hair to lessen the mess the other one made. Chanyeol felt slightly embarrassed by the way he was being babied by his friend. To lessen the embarrassment, Chanyeol started to threaten him not to bunk anymore classes and that he wouldn’t be kind enough to make notes for him.

When they were studying after the heart to heart talk that evening, Baekhyun suddenly took the pen his friend was holding and put his own notes aside, making Chanyeol wonder what he was up to. “I need my pillow,” Baekhyun grinned sheepishly at his friend who was taken aback by that at first before letting out a chuckle. “Sure. Come here, Baekhyun.” Studying could wait.

Being Baekhyun’s friend for the past few years, it was easy for Chanyeol to understand what Baekhyun was asking him to do. He moved back till his back was leaning at the wall and sat in a comfortable position to let Baekhyun rest his head on his lap.

It was a Baekhyun's favourite thing—to use Chanyeol's lap as a pillow. Baekhyun used to do that a lot when they were young. Chanyeol’s lap had been his peaceful little haven. Chanyeol gave him the same sense of security as his mother. When they grew up, he eventually had to give up on that. Yet he asked Chanyeol if he can sleep like that when he was upset or tired with life. Or when he simply felt like it.

The peace he got when Chanyeol ran his fingers on his hair as he hummed something, Baekhyun could never ask for more. There were countless times he had fallen asleep like that. He couldn’t deny that Chanyeol was a gift god gave him unasked because Chanyeol was someone he could rely on—someone he could lean on if he wanted to. He didn't trust anyone like he trusted Chanyeol. He had been grateful for that. And he wished at moments like that, he should never miss him, _his Chanyeol._

What a funny thought! How was that even possible to miss Chanyeol? He wouldn’t. They won’t be able to survive without each other even for a day. Chanyeol was going to be with him for a very long period. Their bond was too special to worry over such mundane things.

Chanyeol was humming some random English song and Baekhyun’s fingers were playing with the hem of Chanyeol’s shirt. “Chanyeol-ah,” Baekhyun called his friend who stopped humming. Baekhyun rarely used his name—just when he was serious (which was understandable because he rarely acted serious). Chanyeol answered with a hum as usual.

“Will I ever find the girl who’ll love me for real?” Chanyeol, whose fingers were carding through Baekhyun’s hair, halted. He looked down at Baekhyun, frowning.

“Why do you doubt that, Baekhyun? Of course, you will. You are going to be loved more than you think, Baekhyun. The person will love you more than anything.” Baekhyun was gripping tight on his shirt before letting it go. He should have thought that Chanyeol was just telling all those to make him feel better.

Didn't Baekhyun know how much love he deserved?

“I don't know about Jieun, Baekhyun. She did a mistake by losing you. And let me tell you. Someone’s gonna be really fortunate by winning your heart.” And he grinned when he saw the budding smile on his friend's face.

“You smooth talking oaf,” Baekhyun managed to say before he gave up to the lulling feeling and fell asleep, still the corners of his lip stretched into a light smile.

Chanyeol admired his friend’s calm sleeping face. Baekhyun would look beautiful in his sleep. With a face full of innocence and serene look. Suddenly his heart wretched while thought about their future. Would Baekhyun let him do this even after knowing Chanyeol’s secret? He didn’t want to think about any kind of answer.

He silently prayed the heavens that Baekhyun finds the right one and gets to be with them in his future. His friend deserved that. And where would he go without witnessing it?

 

_

  


Chanyeol looked at his sister with a look with something akin to disappointment. "Sorry, I disturbed you at this time," she said in between drunk giggles.

Chanyeol sighed and leaned towards the table to his sister, who was sitting across him. "You didn't disturb me, Yoora. You were here since an hour and you just called me? You could have called me earlier."

Yoora had called him and Chanyeol freaked out when he heard her slurry request to come pick her up from a convenience store nearby her workplace. After going there, he saw his sister finishing her 9th can of beer.

"Aww, is my baby brother worried about me?" She asked as she leaned in to pinch her brother's cheeks. Chanyeol didn't swat away her hand as he usually did. He sat there, without resisting and Yoora pouted, "Cut out the sympathy. I didn't call you here for a pity party. Everyone goes through break-ups and stuffs. It's not a big deal." She ended it with a care free smile.

Chanyeol briefly eyed her smudged eyeliner that spoke otherwise. How could she smile in front of him like that after crying alone by herself? She briefly reminded him of Baekhyun from that day.

"Yoora," Chanyeol called her who hummed dreamily. She was drunk and that was a good thing. "To be honest, I didn't like him that much."

"I know why," Yoora snorted. Her ex had a habit of smoking and the siblings weren't much fond of the habit.  

"Let's not talk about him. That wasn't why I called you," she seemed like she really didn't want to speak about him so Chanyeol let it go. His sister was smart and strong. She would handle it.

"I felt like speaking with you, you know, a sibling talk," Yoora spoke slurrily and Chanyeol barely kept in the chuckle. Then she opened another can of beer before opening another for her brother.

Chanyeol leaned away when she thrusted the can towards him. "I don't want that," he told when she raised her eyebrow. Someone needed to be sober between them and Yoora, fortunately, listened to him.

"More for me then," she giggled before drinking from the can she first opened. "What are we going to talk about now?" Chanyeol asked her.

"About you," Chanyeol didn't know how but his sister's demeanour changed into a serious one. "About me?" He dumbly pointed himself.

His sister nodded so fast. "You don't look well to me these days," she stated as she took a look at her brother. "What's bothering you?"

Were Chanyeol’s inner conflicts that obvious? Wasn't he good at hiding them?

"I am perfectly fine. It is just schoolwork, I guess," he shrugged. But Yoora's look told him that she didn't buy his excuse.

"You space out a lot during these days while eating. You don't go out a lot. Those aren't from schoolwork, I suppose," she sighed.

She was right. Chanyeol had a lot to think and he wasn't going out like he used to. He started to keep lot of things to himself.

His sister held his hand before taking it into hers. Chanyeol's hand was bigger compared to hers but hers was warmer. "You can trust me with anything, Chanyeol. I might have grown up, might have started working but I am still your noona," her words became clear as she talked.

"Noona," he called his sister for the first time with what she was supposed to be called just because he felt like calling it. Maybe he was tired with keeping it all inside. Maybe he really needed someone to hear him out with any judgements. Because as soon as the words came out from his sister tears started flowing.

That might have startled his sister. "Chanyeol-ah, what, why are you crying?" She stood up from her seat with great difficulty and moved to the seat beside Chanyeol. Chanyeol felt his sister's arms being embraced around him.

After few sweet words from his sister and few hugs, he eventually stopped crying. "Noona," his voice was still raspy, "can a boy not like another boy?"

Yoora was still hugging him and he felt when she froze at his question. With each second ticking, he felt his heart breaking even more. What made him think that this was a good idea telling to his sister?

His thoughts got cut out when Yoora finally spoke, still having her protective arms around her brother. "Chanyeol, a boy can't marry another boy. That's not accepted by our society," her hand started rubbing circles at his back. But it didn't soothe Chanyeol's nerves. "But no one can help with whom they are falling in love with. Love is just like that. It doesn't care about the society. I can't tell if it is okay to love another man but it won't make you any less of a human. You would be still my brother and I would still care about you."

The lump at his throat was still painful and he couldn't talk but the tightening of his sister's arms around him assured that he didn't need to. When he hailed a cab for them, Yoora was already asleep. Even though it felt like a burden being carried out of him, he was afraid of her reaction after she wakes up. Would she still say the same or would she kick him out of the house?

The next morning, when he woke up, there was a dreadful feeling. But it all dissipated when his sister smiled at him at the first thing when he came down and when she left a kiss on his forehead before leaving to work. That gesture was enough to tell that she remembered everything from last night and that she would love him no matter whoever he was.

Chanyeol wasn't brave enough to come out to his mother. He still didn't have any idea of how she will react. His sister's affectionate smiles were his only strength and a little spark of hope came into him.

There were still whispers, all about Sehun and Chanyeol was starting to feel sick of the names they were using to refer his junior.

Once during lunch, Baekhyun briefly remarked, "I guess this reached the teachers. You know, about Sehun being strange." Jongdae frowned at him but didn’t say anything. Much to Chanyeol's relief, they didn't talk about it anymore. He had lost his appetite for the day. He wished Baekhyun didn’t bring up Sehun in any of their conversations.

Would he be called strange too? Would he also get greeted with whispers when everyone gets to know?

Chanyeol avoided going to the library since he heard about Sehun, not wanting to know how worse that boy would be feeling. That day, after his last class that day, he found himself standing outside the library. He didn’t know what got onto him or what he wanted to do. After some time, Chanyeol saw Sehun coming there. Before he could stop himself, he called his name without a second thought.

Sehun was surprised to see him. Nevertheless, he acted usual, greeting Chanyeol with a polite smile.

"Can we talk for a bit somewhere?" Chanyeol asked carefully, not wanting to stand there any longer. There were few students around that area and their gaze at them was too judging. How might Sehun bearing all of those? But Sehun seemed like he didn’t give a shit. He pretended like he wasn’t surrounded by students who whispered about him.

Sehun looked confused for a second and then nodded anyway. "We can go to the rooftop. No one goes there at this time," he suggested and Chanyeol thought that it was good idea.

After getting to the rooftop, Sehun looked at him expectantly. Chanyeol knew that he should talk but no words came out. He didn't prepare anything beforehand. He just stood there, occasionally opening his mouth only to close it not saying anything.

"I am sorry," was the only thing he managed to blurt out at the end. Sehun seemed to be taken aback by those words.

A silence dawned upon them and Chanyeol anxiety grew as he thought he said something wrong. Sehun being quiet was making it worse.

"What are you sorry for? For who I am?" Sehun finally talked and Chanyeol spluttered quickly, "No, that wasn't it."

Sehun gave him a smile, a small one yet assuring. "Then you didn't do anything to be sorry for. I don’t know why you are sorry for."

"I just thought that you didn't deserve the way you are treated now, Sehun. I..." He trailed off, hanging his head low as he thought about how Baekhyun called him strange.

"Hyung," Sehun sighed as he looked at the almost evening sky. "It is not your fault that I am being treated like this, is it? Yes, I don't like how my own friends turned their back on me. But I don't mind either. I saw this coming already. I was ready myself for this blow."

Chanyeol wondered about his boldness. Why can't he be like Sehun? No, it would make his life a living hell. Sehun continued, “But thank you. I feel less awful when I see people treat me the same as before.”  

"Your family?" Chanyeol asked quietly, not wanting to continue if he was uncomfortable. Sehun's smile dimmed a little but it was there. "My father stopped talking to me but it will get better someday if not now." His voice might have wavered a little at the end and Chanyeol decided to stop it there.

"You know something," Chanyeol didn't know why but he felt like telling Sehun. Maybe an exchange of story to make the younger feel better? He didn't know. A part of him nagged that Baekhyun still didn't know. He pushed that nagging voice aside.

“I too realised that I like boys last year.”

Sehun widened his eyes and he was obviously astonished by the new information. "You..."

"Yes," Chanyeol tried to give him a small smile. Suddenly a terrifying thought hit him. "But can you not tell this anyone?"

Sehun frowned, "You shouldn't worry now unless I am Sungyeol. I won't tell anyone, hyung." Chanyeol watched in amusement when the younger pouted. He felt lighter after he told Sehun.

"No one knows yet?" Sehun asked him. Chanyeol just shook his head slightly, “Only my sister.” The thought of telling to his mother still didn't feel right. Yoora was telling him not to do that anytime soon and that the right time would come. Moreover, he couldn't even imagine a day with his mother detesting him.

When he knew that it was time for Baekhyun's last class to end, he bid his goodbye to Sehun and walked towards the place where he usually waited for Baekhyun and Jongdae. He didn't expect the weight on his heart lightened up a bit after talking to Sehun.

On his way, there were so many horrible thoughts in his mind. What would he do if no one accepts him? What would he do if Baekhyun started to detest him?

But when he spotted Baekhyun talking animatedly to Jongdae, all those thoughts vanished replacing a sense of peace—a kind of peace only Baekhyun could give him. He got brighter as days passed on and Chanyeol didn't why.

Chanyeol’s sense of peace didn’t last much longer. Nightmares started haunting him.

Yoora woke up with a start when she heard her door being knocked loudly. All her tiredness and sleep went away in a blink, as she rushed to open her door, with an uneasiness sinking in her stomach.

She let out a gasp when she saw Chanyeol, who looked like he was on the verge of passing out and eyes bloodshot red.

"Oh my god, what happened, Chanyeol-ah?" She gathered her brother into an embrace and Chanyeol started crying, scaring her more.

"What happened? Tell me," she said as she brought them both to her bed, without breaking their embrace. Chanyeol looked he would break down if he wasn't been held by someone.

"B-Baekhyun," he stuttered, eyes watering even more. "What did Baekhyun do?" Yoora prompted slowly, carefully.

Chanyeol shook his head wildly and only sobbed without telling her anything. "Shh, Chanyeol. Don't cry. It's okay." She kept repeating these words until her brother calmed down.

"What did Baekhyun do, Chanyeol?" She repeated again, when Chanyeol seemed more awake and calm.

His eyes shook in fear. "He flinched away from me," he shivered as if the image was showed before him. "He called me strange, Yoora. He—He looked me like he loathed me, like I am the, the most disgusting thing ever. He didn't even touch me." Chanyeol's fingers were pulling off his hair.

Yoora sat there silently with glistening eyes, not knowing how to comfort his hurting brother. She just hugged him until he drifted off to sleep in her arms.

The next morning, the way her kiss lingered a beat longer told Chanyeol that she was worried about last night. "Everything will get better someday, Chanyeol-ah." She told him. Chanyeol couldn't stop the forming smile when he learnt that she managed to make his favourite pancakes for breakfast.

"She made it herself for her brother. Aigoo, days before you siblings were bickering. Are you guys finally growing up?" His mother commented gleefully while they ate together.

The faint pieces of his dreams were making him shiver. The way Baekhyun looked at him—it was insufferable. It was only a dream. How would Chanyeol manage the real Baekhyun?

These disturbing thoughts were only short-lived as his mother announced that Baekhyun was waiting for him. He hurriedly finished up his pancakes.

He totally forgot last night when he saw Baekhyun smiling up from his phone. The familiar sensation that filled his heart calmed him to the point that he only focused on how bright his friend looked that day.

"Shall we go?" Was all Chanyeol needed from Baekhyun to start that day with a newborn hope.

 

_

 

Nightmares came now and then. But Chanyeol was glad that Sehun wasn’t brought up during lunches. They had less time to talk anyways as there were only three months for their final exams.

“I don’t want to take the exams,” Jongdae said, not even having the strength to whine. “Especially not history,” he added.

At the same time, Sungyeol and his gang of friends occupied the table next to them. Chanyeol tensed as he heard them murmuring Sehun’s name. He couldn’t hear exactly what they were talking about but he suddenly felt loss of appetite.

To make it worse, Baekhyun spoke up. "You know? Yesterday, I happened to go to the convenience store with my mom. He works there. Also the boy he’s with." Chanyeol froze at the end. The tone in which Baekhyun was speaking was different— _cold_ , it felt like it wasn't Baekhyun whom he was talking to.

Chanyeol silently thanked Jongdae when he drifted the topic back to their exams.

That night though he stayed awake for long, thinking about himself and what would Baekhyun do if he came to know about Chanyeol. When he finally drifted off to sleep, his nightmare came in the form of Jongdae calling him names and who yelled to stay away from Baekhyun.

He told Yoora about his nightmares.

"Chanyeol-ah, your nightmares are nothing but your fears. Don't fear anything. Don't fear anyone. Believe me, everyone's gonna accept you. They can't hate you even if they want to. You have a very tight hold on all of our hearts, Chanyeol. They will accept you or will learn to do," Was all Yoora told him.

Her words kept his worries, fears and nightmares away but he couldn't remove Baekhyun's voice when he spoke about Sehun from his mind.

 

_

 

Chanyeol always had wondered why Jongdae remained silent about Sehun. He would be silent when Baekhyun talked about him or would drift the topic away.

What the reason might be, it never hit Chanyeol until he saw Jongdae talking with Sehun one day at the rooftop. He looked around to see if Baekhyun was anywhere there. He saw Jongdae spotting him and Sehun turned too, both of them smiling at him.

“What are you doing here?” Chanyeol asked unsure.

“You weren’t the only one who thinks that Sehun shouldn’t be treated this way,” Jongdae grinned at him. “Anyways I was just asking if I should do something with that Sungyeol guy.”

Chanyeol watched Jongdae, perplexed. “Really?” Jongdae smiled at him. Chanyeol didn’t know how to feel. He didn’t know Jongdae would accept Sehun. Did that mean he would accept him too? He didn’t want to know. Jongdae suddenly let out a chuckle, startling Chanyeol. Sehun seemed surprised too.

"You know what Chanyeol? I can hear your thoughts right now." Jongdae must be joking. That brat. He didn’t have any idea of what Chanyeol was worrying about—

“I have known, Chanyeol, that you like boys.”

Chanyeol thought that he was hearing things. His heart stopped beating and he stood there frozen until Jongdae spoke again, "God, Chanyeol, breathe! Calm down!"

How could Chanyeol calm down? How did Jongdae know? He looked at Sehun but Sehun too, seemed surprised at Jongdae’s sudden confession.

"H-How?" Was all he could manage to speak out with a shaky voice. Jongdae just smiled before throwing an arm over his taller friend, "I wondered why you were always silent whenever Sehun was brought up in our talks. And remember how you admitted finding Yifan hyung attractive once? I connected the pieces to get my answer." He talked calmly, contrary to the Jongdae from his nightmares.

Jongdae had known for a long time. Yet he didn't act like he detested him. He realised that Jongdae had only grown protective of him instead of casting him out. He took Chanyeol's side at the times of their usual bickering. Jongdae never even commented about Sehun. It hit Chanyeol all at once. _Jongdae had accepted him even before he was aware._

“Don’t care telling Baekhyun anytime soon. That asshole needs some time to see what he’s been thinking,” he told him later that day. “But he will realise how wrong he was with Sehun.”

 

_

 

As time passed, he realised something weird with him. He felt some kind of strange sensation. He didn’t anything except for the fact that it had to do something with Baekhyun. He first realised that on the day of his birthday— _more like when Baekhyun leaned in to give his usual birthday kiss._

It wasn’t the first time Baekhyun smooched him. But that was the first time he realised how his stomach tickled at the proximity. He felt a shiver running down his spine. His heart raced like it never beat before.

Jongdae guffawed at his expression and Baekhyun chuckled, his eyes on Chanyeol’s ear, which, of course, turned scarlet. Chanyeol groaned aloud. “You should stop doing that, you know? We are not ten.”

Baekhyun, who swiped some cream of the cake Jongdae was holding, smeared it across his friend’s nose. “Why would I? I will do this even in our sixties and will ask my grandchildren to do the same.”               

“Wha—unbelievable, Baekhyun.” Baekhyun only stuck out his tongue before shrieking out on seeing Chanyeol swiping some cream from the cake.

That didn’t stop there. Chanyeol felt some difference. Baekhyun’s smiles were different. His voice sounded different—extra warm and beautiful.

_Baekhyun seemed different._

Chanyeol heart seemed like it got crazy. It unnecessarily beat fast at random times and it kind out freaked him out. It took him a while to realise that it went haywire around Baekhyun.

“Did you have a haircut?” Chanyeol asked one morning when he saw Baekhyun waiting outside his home to go school with him. “Yesterday. Why? Doesn’t suit me?”

“You look… handsome?” Chanyeol blurted, not even processing what came out of his mouth. Baekhyun snorted, “You sound like Jongdae right now.”

“He looks _different_ , Jongdae.”

“Correction. He looks ugly. At least to me. And you look stupid. Now leave me, I have things to study.”

 

_

  


It didn’t take him ages to find what’s wrong with him. Of course, he just had to admit something he had been denying to himself. He told himself again and again that _no, you don't like Baekhyun;_ At least, at least not in that way. He didn't know why that idea stayed in his mind. Sometimes the thought of falling in love with Baekhyun scared him as much as it surprised.

Chanyeol started observing Baekhyun without himself being conscious of it. He suddenly became aware of how his heart was irresistible to Baekhyun.

As he continued to think, it came like a cold slap. _He liked Baekhyun_ —no matter how hard he wanted to convince himself, how many times he tried to push that thought to the back of his mind, it came back to him, blaring at him, driving him mad.

 _No, he didn't like his friend_. Oh, no use repeating it again and again. It didn't change if he told himself that. The truth was in front of him. He liked his friend. The time to accept it came, maybe.

He couldn't deny anymore about how his friend from years ago—the eight years old Baekhyun's smile was ingrained in his mind, being one of his beautiful possessions. He couldn't deny how he was aware of his heart's weird antics whenever Baekhyun got too close to him. He couldn't deny, even if he tried to, that Baekhyun was indeed the one he could fall for, even if it ached that Baekhyun would never love someone like him— not a boy.

Unfortunately, that day came when he admitted to himself that he liked Baekhyun. He wished he hadn’t though.

He felt like telling someone, Jongdae or Yoora—anyone who might tell him, _no, you are just a fool to think so_ and slap some sense into him. But at the same time he feared that idea. What if his feelings become even truer by telling this to anyone? Oh, how he fooled himself by thinking all such things when it was too late to even deny.

Chanyeol was a fool. He indeed was one. He should have just agreed when Yoora asked him to go out for shopping. His promise to Baekhyun for a movie could have wait. But it was Baekhyun and he was infected by the love bug, making him do the craziest, stupidest thing ever.

He got worked up when Yoora complained over dinner that he always spends time with his friends and not with his family. Chanyeol didn’t know why but when Yoora said that he cared about his friends more than his family, he felt like he had enough of her. She had told that playfully but Chanyeol failed to see that.

“Shut up!” He dropped his spoon into the soup bowl and stood up. Both his mother and Yoora seemed taken aback by his sudden raise of voice. “Who told you that I care less about you? I care the same and most about you two as I care about my friends—about Baekhyun. You want me to come with you, don’t you? I will come with you.”

Yoora blinked at him, not knowing what the hell happened on earth and casted a quick, apologetic glance at her mother, who was silent the whole time the siblings bickered. “It’s okay if you don’t—“ she started muttering in a small voice and Chanyeol interrupted her.

“Nah, I will go with you. You know what? Baekhyun will understand like how a family would. That’s why I don’t see any difference between you and him. _He’s my family too_.” And with that he left the dining hall to sleep with his half full stomach and empty heart.

Maybe it was the frustration he had in him for not being able to express how he really felt about Baekhyun, he said things that he really meant only in a wrong tone and at what looked like a wrong time.

He didn’t talk with his sister the next day but he let her give her daily forehead kiss, indirectly telling her he wasn’t angry with her and just that he needed some time to face her after how he yelled at her.

As days passed, with his innocent feelings for his friend, grew his guilt. It felt so wrong to see his friend that way. He couldn't see his friend in his eyes and talk. He felt like he was overstepping the invisible boundary between them.

His feelings for him were like a thorny vine around his heart. As much as tightly it held around his heart, he got wounded. Yet he couldn't seem to loosen the grip of it.

From the day Chanyeol realised that he saw Baekhyun that way, he felt some urges, some desires. To reach out to him, to hold his hands, to be able to make him smile, to kiss him, _to just touch him_. They both have always been so touchy since their childhood. That’s how close they were. But for some reasons, after realising his feelings Chanyeol started seeing those little things differently.

He started hesitating. Baekhyun failed to notice but Chanyeol stopped smacking at the arm when Baekhyun made fun of Jongdae’s crush on Seulgi. He tried to get over his habit of rubbing Baekhyun’s nape at random places. He didn’t ruffle Baekhyun’s hair just because he liked doing it. Baekhyun didn’t notice. Or they happened to spend less time for Baekhyun to notice the distance Chanyeol put between them.

No matter how much he tried, his problematic hormones never listened to him. He dreamed things. Dreams where he used to encounter faceless strangers were now filled with his best friend— _straight best friend,_ which was even worse.

Thankfully, most of the times, he was able to kill those lewd thoughts about Baekhyun by reminding himself that it was Baekhyun whom he was fantasizing about. He was ashamed of himself to even think about Baekhyun like that. He feared what would Baekhyun think of him if he got to know about Chanyeol have fantasizing thoughts about him. He didn’t even want to imagine how disgusted Baekhyun would feel.

But then one day he couldn’t help himself when he woke up from a dream where Baekhyun did things he wouldn’t dare to even think if he was in his right mind. He woke up in the middle of a cold night feeling pain down there.

His first instinct was to run into his bathroom. Maybe it was the cold night or he had lost his mind, he wasn’t sure but his mind was filled with thoughts about Baekhyun—not a single one of them pure one.

He didn’t know when his hands started doing the work but minutes later he found himself doing the wrongest thing he would dare to do. He was touching himself with his friend in mind. He had to clamp his mouth to shut his moans. Not because he was afraid that he would make noise but because he was ashamed. He felt his eyes pricking and heart was heavy even though his gut was pleased by his actions.

Something inside him, maybe his guilty conscience, screamed that what he was doing was wrong. Baekhyun would hate him to death if he knew.

When he washed his hands in the sink, he didn’t dare to look himself in the mirror. He couldn’t see his own face because of the guilt he was feeling. Something was pricking at his skin and the thought of what he did started constricting his heart. How was he going to meet his best friend’s eyes after what he did?

His gut twisted at the thought of what Baekhyun thought of people like him—who liked men. Baekhyun wouldn’t talk to Chanyeol—heck, he wouldn’t even touch Chanyeol. He would regret for every second he spent calling Chanyeol his friend. _He would hate Chanyeol to the core._

The thought caused a dull pain in his chest. He suddenly felt like he lost the strength to stand. He crumbled down on the bathroom floor. He leaned against the cold tiles, drawing his knees closer to his chest and thought what he just did. Tears started rolling down his cheeks and he, once again clamped his hand on his mouth, now for a different reason—to keep down his chocked sobs.

He didn’t remember how many hours he remained in the cold bathroom floor praying that Baekhyun should never find out what sin he committed that night.

 

_

 

He didn’t go to school the next day; told his mother that he didn’t feel well. When Baekhyun and Jongdae came to check up on him that evening, he pretended to be asleep. “He is sleeping,” Baekhyun told to Jongdae in hushed tone. Jongdae must have come closer to check his temperature.

“Temperature is normal though,” he heard him say and then Jongdae retrieved his hand. When the second time he felt someone touching his forehead, he tried not to flinch. Baekhyun’s hand was cold against his forehead and even after he took his hand away, Chanyeol felt that area burning.

He heard Jongdae telling Baekhyun that he was leaving and to update him on Chanyeol. Then he heard Baekhyun leaving the room too. He opened his eyes and slowly reached for his forehead where Baekhyun touched a while ago. “Sorry, Baekhyun. I have done something wrong.” He did something he wasn’t supposed to—not to Baekhyun.

It was his fault that he fell for Baekhyun. He should stop. But how?

He heard the door click so he closed his eyes shut again, going back to his pretence. He heard Baekhyun towards his bed and a slight weight sunk at the side of the headrest. Baekhyun started running his fingers through Chanyeol’s hair. It wasn’t something new. He was used to Baekhyun doing that many times. But this time, it calmed his nerves. For a minute, he toyed with the idea of break his pretence and confessing everything to Baekhyun. But how could he look into his eyes after what he did that night? Also he wouldn’t forgive himself if Baekhyun starts to hate him.

Chanyeol didn’t know how long Baekhyun did that but eventually he felt his eyelids getting heavy due to the soothing gestures.

For the next few days, he didn’t switch on his phone. He went to school earlier and spent his time hiding from Baekhyun until it’s time for class and went home straight, not waiting for Baekhyun, nor for Jongdae. He knew that Baekhyun could break into his room—he had the rights to but for some reason Baekhyun didn’t. Chanyeol felt grateful for that even though he missed him.

Baekhyun patience, though, was short lived. Chanyeol should have known.

Chanyeol came back from home and went straight into kitchen to fetch a glass of water. But he halted with a start when he found Baekhyun sitting at the dining table, scrolling through something in his phone. He didn’t look up from his phone but Chanyeol can tell that Baekhyun acknowledged his appearance.

“I will be in your room. We need to talk,” he talked as he stood up and he didn’t even glance at him before disappearing into the living room.

His mother, who didn’t notice the awkward tension, handed Chanyeol a glass of water. Chanyeol brought the rim of the glass close to his lips and sipped water. He winced as the water flowed down painfully through his lump that formed after seeing Baekhyun.

How many days was he going to avoid his friend anyway? Chanyeol tried to swallow the agonising lump and refilled the glass with water for Baekhyun. Baekhyun was sitting on his bed with his head hung down when he went to his room.

When Baekhyun looked up at him, he gave Chanyeol a tight lipped smile and Chanyeol stood there frozen, not wanting to dwell on the uneasiness.

Baekhyun didn't look well. "Baekhyun," was all he could utter and his friend's name felt so wrong in his lips as if coming from a sinner's.

Chanyeol walked to him to offer him water. He felt Baekhyun's eyes on him the whole time and he felt anxious. He averted his eyes when Baekhyun accepted the glass from him. He watched as Baekhyun drank the water.

"Why are you here?" Chanyeol cursed internally for not questioning appropriately. "I can't even come to see my friend?" Baekhyun fired-back.

"No, I mean," Chanyeol trailed not knowing how to deal with the unfamiliar ambiance around them. Baekhyun didn't showed any signs but Chanyeol could the feel tension in the air around them.

"What do you mean Chanyeol? Tell me," Baekhyun prompted, impatiently. What could he tell him? He remained silent and looked at anything but Baekhyun who was glaring at him.

Baekhyun frowned when he didn't receive any answer. He inhaled and fidgeted with the empty glass he was holding.

"I did something wrong, didn't I? Is that why you are avoiding me?" He asked after a moment, hands holding the glass tight as if his life depended on that.

"No, Baekhyun..." Chanyeol lied. “I wasn’t—I,” He closed his eyes, feeling his head throbbing.

"Liar Yeol..."He opened his eyes when he heard Baekhyun mumbling. Baekhyun's shoulders were hunched down and he had hung his head down again like the first time, his eyes on the floor.

_Hold it in, Chanyeol._

"Really you didn't do anything, Baek—" his words got cut by his friend who managed to raise his head now.

"Are you sure? Is that why you are not even meeting my eyes now, Chanyeol?"Chanyeol couldn't bear the feeling growing inside him. He felt as if something was crawling at his throat, burning the area.

_Please Chanyeol, hold it in._

"Baekhyun—"

"Damn your Baekhyun! Just tell me what's wrong with you now! Tell me why you are avoiding me?"Baekhyun raised his voice, standing up. Chanyeol was scared that his pretence would die and he would break down in front of Baekhyun. That's the last thing he wanted to happen now.

_Hold it in. Just little._

"I—I told you it's not your fault I am being like this, okay? It’s just—I am the one who is wrong! Just, just leave me alone, please."

_Please leave now._

"Leave you alone? But what is even your fault? What did you even do?"

"Baekhyun, let's not do this now, please." He begged.

_Please! Don't do anything stupid, please!_

"Not do what, Yeol? I don't get it! What—" And that was the last straw. Something inside him burst and he didn't even realise what he was speaking out.

"I started seeing you differently; do you get it now, Baekhyun?" His eyes widened at what he blurted out and he watched Baekhyun's frown getting deeper and confusion etching on his features.

"What?" He asked in a quiet voice and Chanyeol's vision got blurred. He just committed the biggest mistake of his life.

"I started having feelings for you, Baekhyun. I fell in love, Baekhyun. With you." There, he said those words out despite his inner self begged him not to do.

He felt as if the whole world fell on his head. He couldn't raise his head to meet eyes with his friend, with Baekhyun. Guilt and fear was eating up his strength and he felt like his knees would give up anytime soon. Baekhyun shouldn't be hearing to this. He shouldn't see Chanyeol break down. He shouldn't be standing there asking him questions. Neither should Chanyeol have feelings for his best friend. He wasn't supposed to.

He didn't see how Baekhyun reacted or didn't even want to know if his friend really got what he said. When he felt his eyes tearing up, he abruptly turned towards the door and ran away. Neither did Baekhyun tried to stop him. Oh how would he? Chanyeol had staked his years of friendship upon sharing his secret even after having an idea of how would his friend act.

_Fool!_

He ran away from Baekhyun—from his home— without even knowing where he was running. All he knew was he was running from his friend. From the hate he could get. From what he couldn’t be. He ran and ran until his lungs gave up. He found himself standing in a crowded street but he didn’t know where he was. He didn't have any idea of how he went there.

Tears weren't going to stop so he let everything out; not minding the weird looks people gave him. He held his head with both of his hands. "What have you done, Chanyeol?" He asked himself. He ruined the trust Baekhyun had on him. He ruined eleven years of friendship.

He ruined everything.

“Chanyeol,” he heard his name and turned around with his widened eyes filled with tears.


	4. 3

Chanyeol had his eyes closed but Yoora could tell he wasn't sleeping. Still she kept on patting his arm gently as he had his head on her lap. She was shit-scared when she found Chanyeol crying hard in middle of a crowded street, not even minding the people around him.

"Baekhyun knows," was the only thing he answered for several questions she threw at him. That one statement was enough for Yoora to somehow understand the situation.

"I ran away, leaving him in my room," he confessed when Yoora asked him whether he wanted to go home. Yoora frowned at him but remained silent. She took him home though (there was no Baekhyun there). That was the first time they were talking after that evening when Chanyeol shouted at her. 

"Noona, I like him," when he told Yoora, her hand halted the gentle pats. Chanyeol didn't know whether it was for the confession or for hearing him call her noona.

But after few beats, she resumed patting, quietly mumbling that she kind of knew already. "You want me talk to him?" She asked after few minutes of silence, for which Chanyeol panicked and asked her not to do anything like that.

"I don’t want to talk or see him for now." He told her firmly.

They were having their finals in less than a month and Chanyeol couldn’t focus on studies. He didn’t want to face Baekhyun after his confession so he purposefully avoided running into him and avoiding Jongdae in the process. His phone was still off. 

Baekhyun didn't call him or come to see him. Chanyeol didn’t know if Baekhyun even thought him as a friend anymore. Of course, he had expected it. He saw this coming. He had to take the bullets now, he was ready for that.

But what he didn't expect was Yoora calling him down four days after everything happened, telling Baekhyun was there to see him. His heart fluttered at the mention of Baekhyun but the next beat, he got pale. "I don't want to see him now," he panicked visibly.

But when did Baekhyun listen to him? He slammed open the door startling Chanyeol who was about to drown into his blankets for the rest of the day.

His hands started shaking when he saw Baekhyun. Baekhyun looked so furious and Chanyeol could see so many things in his eyes—hurt. Disappointment.  _ Confusion _ .

"Why—why are you here now?" Chanyeol cringed at how he was the one sounding mad. Baekhyun didn't open his mouth. He approached Chanyeol with a fierce glare that sent chills down Chanyeol's spine.

Was he going to curse at him? Or to call him names like he dreamt? One thing was sure. Chanyeol wasn't going to like what has yet to happen.

When Baekhyun was face to face with him, Chanyeol had held his breath. He didn't have a nice feeling about what was going to happen.

He inhaled sharply when he saw Baekhyun, whose eyes were glimmering with unshed tears, raising his hand and the next he felt was his right cheek stinging.

It took few seconds to process that Baekhyun had slapped him. Chanyeol wanted to laugh at the state he was standing—being slapped by his best friend but his eyes watered, betraying him.

"Is this why you came all along to my room?" Chanyeol couldn't help but ask, even if he felt like he deserved it.

Baekhyun opened his mouth to say something but he didn’t utter a word before twisting Chanyeol’s right ear with force and Chanyeol tried not to yelp at the pain. "How could you say that? How could you, Chanyeol? Just what kind of a friend did you take me for?" He saw those tears that were held in, rolling down his friend's cheeks. Chanyeol couldn't stand the scene but he couldn't bring himself to tell him not to cry. His heart ached knowing that everything was his fault.

He wanted to look at Baekhyun's eyes to see what he was meaning but his guilt wasn't allowing him to. For the next few seconds, Baekhyun only wept without saying anything, letting his frustrated tears out and Chanyeol had to harden his heart to look away from all the mess he had made.

After what seemed like eternity to Chanyeol, Baekhyun calmed down and continued, "How long have you been keeping this from me? You could have told me."

Chanyeol almost snapped his head at the other. What was his friend telling him? Uncertainty marred his features as he saw Baekhyun wiping the trails of his tears. "What made you think that I would hate you for something like this?" Baekhyun asked with a tiny smile which looked like it took lot of effort to hide the hurt in his eyes.

Chanyeol finally took the courage to meet his eyes and he saw the anger wearing off, leaving clear hurt.

"Sehun," Chanyeol spoke, "you called him strange. You started hating him. I was afraid."

Baekhyun gaze turned soft; filled with concern. He slowly took Chanyeol's hand in his, not noticing how the other got startled by the gesture. 

"Chanyeol," Baekhyun called out softly, "Sehun wasn’t you when I heard about him. I know I was wrong about him. But I didn’t realize this until now. Until you told me. Don't you know how much you mean to me? How would I— Heck, I would never even dream about hating you!"

Chanyeol shook his head that brought a frown on Baekhyun's features. Baekhyun didn't get it. He didn't understand. 

"But Baekhyun—"

"I don't care, Chanyeol!" Baekhyun yelled. "I don't care how you are! You are my best friend and I don't care about anything except that." Baekhyun let his hand go, relieving Chanyeol for a second before embracing him. Chanyeol's heart stopped for a second. His hands felt too stiff, unusual. An unfamiliar feeling settled on his chest. Why couldn't he bring himself to wrap his arm around his friend like he used to?

Baekhyun must have noticed his behaviour so he broke the hug without saying anything. "It's been two days since—why are you telling this now?" Chanyeol asked him, out of curiosity and also being unable to stand the awkward silence.

Baekhyun let out a shaky breath, "What would you do when your best friend confesses that he is not straight like you thought? Laugh it out and tell him that you saw that coming? I needed time to process this whole thing."

Chanyeol was about to say something when he heard Chanyeol’s mother calling them for lunch from downstairs.

Baekhyun couldn't deny when Chanyeol's mother asked him to stay for lunch. They both were silent, not even meeting each other's eyes the whole time. Even if Chanyeol's mom noticed their unusual behaviour, she didn't comment on that. Yoora was occasionally glancing at them worriedly.

"Does noona know?" Baekhyun asked when they got back to Chanyeol’s room.

Chanyeol nodded and the room drowned in silence again. Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun when he heard the other sigh. Baekhyun would usually sit close to Chanyeol but there was a feet distance between them. It didn't seem like Baekhyun was distant because he would feel uncomfortable. If anything, it looked like he didn't want to make Chanyeol uncomfortable.

"Who else know?"

"Sehun and Jongdae," an uneasy feeling dawned upon Chanyeol on seeing how surprised Baekhyun looked. The surprise soon turned into a sulk.

"Jongdae too, huh? So I am the last one to know, right?" He let out something akin to a broken chuckle.

Baekhyun didn't understand. He didn't know how Chanyeol had nightmares about him. He didn't know anything about how Chanyeol had a fight with his conscience. He didn’t know how wrong he felt for liking him.

"You don't understand, Baekhyun. You won’t understand." How was he going to explain that he was afraid of being called strange? That he didn't want Baekhyun to see him like he saw Sehun? That he didn't want to be on the receiving end of Baekhyun's detestation. "I was afraid of you hating me the most. Whenever you talked about Sehun, it felt like you weren’t talking about him but me." 

Baekhyun might have realized how his comments about Sehun have hurt his best friend. He stood up and came closer to Chanyeol to wrap his hands around him for which the other unconsciously tried to jerk away. But Baekhyun pulled Chanyeol's head close to his chest and Chanyeol could hear his quiet beats of his heart. 

There were times where Chanyeol thought that Baekhyun would never even see him or flinch away from him like he did in his nightmares. But how was that Baekhyun held him close to his heart? Even after knowing everything. Had he not known Baekhyun well?

"Sorry, Chanyeol. Sorry for not being a person you could trust. But I will try to understand. Please just don't avoid me again. It hurts like hell when you don't even meet my eyes when we talk," Baekhyun said weakly.

Chanyeol still couldn't believe that Baekhyun actually accepted him. He couldn't understand why Baekhyun should apologize to him. He could have just pretended like he never knew him. He could have erased Chanyeol out of his life. But there he was, holding Chanyeol close him, apologizing to him and telling him that he meant everything.

Did Chanyeol deserve him? Even if he did deserve him, wasn’t it wrong to fall in love with him? Baekhyun should have just trashed Chanyeol out of his life. Wasn’t he making it everything hard for Chanyeol? How was Chanyeol going to live with the feelings he had grown for Baekhyun? He didn’t know how to forget about how his heart got warm just by thinking about Baekhyun’s smile. 

"Sorry Baekhyun." Chanyeol wasn't sure what he was sorry for. Baekhyun smiled, even if his friend couldn't see. Chanyeol felt his heart burn. 

“Let’s go to school together tomorrow. Jongdae went mad missing you,” Baekhyun told him instead. Chanyeol closed his eyes and tried not to let out his broken chuckle.

He had decided what to do.

 

_

 

They went back to their usual routine; walking together to get the bus and eating lunch together. Jongdae didn’t ask Chanyeol regarding his sudden weird behaviour and Chanyeol couldn’t be more grateful. The only thing that seemed out of place was Chanyeol’s grown silence and the distance he put between him and his friends. Even if they noticed, they didn’t comment as they thought that Chanyeol just needed space to become himself again.

Baekhyun acted the same as he ever did. He greeted him with the same warm smiles every morning and talked the most between them. One day he did something surprising—something Chanyeol never thought he would see it happen.

He was returning from his last class, where Jongdae and Baekhyun would be waiting for him only to witness Baekhyun glaring at Sungyeol who was holding his broken nose, groaning in agony. Beside him, Sehun, whose nose was bleeding, was goggling at Baekhyun, baffled.

“What are you doing, Baekhyun?” Sungyeol’s friend, Minhyuk came for Baekhyun but Baekhyun turned to glare at him. “Just gave him what he deserved.”

“Who do you think you are to speak up for his fag?” Sungyeol asked hoarsely, still covering his nose. Baekhyun looked like he wanted to throw another punch at him. “Keep those names to yourself, Sungyeol. At least he’s not a twat like you who keeps on beating up your juniors. Just get lost if you don’t want to be reported by me.”

“Baekh—“

“Do you want to get expelled when our exams are nearing, asshole? Just get out of here. You—“ he pointed at Minhyuk, “take him out of my sight unless you want to see me disfigure his face.”

Minhyuk didn’t put up a fight and dragged a struggling Sungyeol away. All this time, Chanyeol stood there with holding his breath and didn’t even notice Jongdae standing beside him just as surprised as him. He saw Baekhyun asking Sehun if he was okay and Jongdae walked to Sehun to examine his blood-stained nose. Sehun, who grew pink at the attention, assured them that he was okay and he thanked Baekhyun, who froze. 

“I am sorry, Sehun.” He told him and Sehun couldn’t help but cast a glance at Chanyeol at that. “You don’t have to apologize to me,” he told him with a smile.  _ Someone already did that for him. _

“Shit Baekhyun,” Jongdae cried when they were in the bus. “I would actually pay you to do that again, that brainless git.” He didn’t say anything more, though. There was a satisfied smile on his face, probably because of replaying the handsome scene in his mind repeatedly.

When Chanyeol stole a glance at Baekhyun, he saw the other one lost in thoughts. He was both surprised and satisfied at what he did—surprised because he never thought Baekhyun would do that and satisfied because that was what he felt like doing once but gritted his teeth every time.

After bidding goodbye to Jongdae, they walked together in silence. Usually Baekhyun would be the one doing the talking but he seemed too lost in his own thoughts.

“Why did you do that? Sehun could get in trouble.” Chanyeol asked his friend. He never saw Baekhyun standing up for anyone that was not his friends. Sehun was the last one he expected Baekhyun to stand for. Baekhyun looked taken aback at the question.

“He intentionally hurt Sehun. I just couldn’t stand there watching that,” he said, his voice dazed as if he was pulled again by his thoughts. He couldn’t bear the scene because  _ he saw Chanyeol in Sehun _ that day. He realized how wrong he has been to Sehun. He felt awful as he thought how he wasn’t any different from Sungyeol. Chanyeol knitted his eyebrows together as his friend grew silent. 

“Hey,” he brought his friend back to present and Baekhyun shook his head. “He won’t do anything. If he dares, he’ll have to watch out for me every day. He wouldn’t dare, believe me.” 

And that was the last thing he told to Chanyeol that day. They didn’t talk to each other that day. 

 

_

 

Their last month at high school went in a buzz. They didn’t realize time passing fast and before they knew, they already finished writing their final exam. Their last day was filled students wishing each other holidays and making plans.

However these three were walking together like it was any other day. If anyone seemed a little sad, it would be Jongdae. He kept sulking all the time in the bus, telling that he would miss them a lot. “Just pack your bags and come stay in my place, Dae.” Baekhyun suggested and Jongdae looked like he contemplated it for a moment.

Holidays were used be fun. They used to spend the whole day at each other’s place and do the silliest things such as betting on what lunch it would be that day. They used to go watch movies with Jongdae. They used to game till midnight and blame each other if they missed breakfast. They used to stick out tongues at Yoora if she tried to nag at them.

But that holiday though, Chanyeol seemed so distant. He stayed most of the time looked up in his room and denying every offer Baekhyun made. Baekhyun got tired of asking Chanyeol if they can watch movies together. He was tired of Chanyeol saying no. He was tired of giving Chanyeol the space he needed. He got tired of Chanyeol pushing him away. So one day he just slam-opened Chanyeol’s door and almost strangled him for not answering his calls. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Baekhyun asked in an exasperated tone when Chanyeol gently swatted his hands away. “You’re not picking up my calls?” 

Chanyeol wasn’t looking at him. He was avoiding his eyes. 

“I was busy, Baekhyun. I was thinking about—“ he was cut off abruptly by Baekhyun, who was annoyed by now. 

“Excuses again? When are you going to stop making excuses for avoiding me? Do you think I can’t see what’s going on? I am not that stupid,” Baekhyun was aware of how loud his voice was. Chanyeol’s mom might be hearing him. But he didn’t care. He just wanted to know—know why he was being pushed away.

“Why are you pushing me away? I made it clear that it’s okay—“     

"No, it’s not okay!” Chanyeol suddenly exclaimed, voice louder than Baekhyun’s. Baekhyun frowned but before he could continue, Chanyeol spoke again. “You don't understand, do you? I—I am not the same Chanyeol, Baekhyun. Who used to think you were funny when you laugh. I started thinking how beautiful you look while you laugh. I am not seeing you just as a friend now, Baekhyun.” 

He turned his back at his friend. He couldn’t bear how Baekhyun froze at his words. He knew what he was doing. He didn’t want to pretend anymore. Baekhyun didn’t need to pretend anymore. “I am in love with you, do you get it? I see you with different thoughts now. Tell me Baekhyun, how can I normally hang out with you after growing feelings for you?"

"Chanyeol, it’s… its okay."

Chanyeol tried not to let out his bitter chuckle at that. How can Baekhyun do that to him? How can he say that was okay when it’s clearly not? Was he out of his mind?

"Baekhyun” he called out weakly, as if he was begging. He still had his back at his friend so he couldn’t see Baekhyun, who was on the verge of tears. “How is it okay? Do you know how many times I felt like kissing you? Even now.” He closed his shut at how his voice cracked at the end. What was he doing confessing such things to Baekhyun. “Do you call that okay? I—I have changed, Baekhyun. Please, understand. Don't pretend as if you are okay with me."

There was a short silence. Chanyeol might have thought that Baekhyun had left if only he didn’t feel him grabbing his hand. He had this sudden urge to yank his hand away. He didn’t have the strength to do so.

"Then kiss me, Chanyeol." It came so quiet that Chanyeol thought he was imagining things. But his heart started beating erratically when Baekhyun came to his front, cupping his face. Chanyeol could see the teardrops that escaped his friend’s eyes.

"What?" He whispered.

"Kiss me when you feel like that. Do whatever you feel like doing. Just… Just don't push me away. You know you mean everything to me, Chanyeol."

Chanyeol couldn’t understand what his friend was telling him. Why couldn’t everything be a bad dream? Why couldn’t he wake up from everything and go back to how it was once? Just why was Baekhyun making it hard for him?

He pried away Baekhyun’s hands from his cheeks, gently.  

"Are you out of your mind?! Do you know what are you even saying?" He shouted at Baekhyun making him flinch.

"I don't know, Chanyeol! I don't even know what I am saying! I don't know what else to do!"

And he broke down. Chanyeol stood there, with burning heart watching his friend crying.  _ It was his fault.  _

"Baekhyun," he knew he had to do that. It was his fault falling in love with him. Baekhyun shouldn’t be too kind to him. He shouldn’t pretend like everything was okay just because Chanyeol was his friend. “I am going to apply for Yonsei. I am leaving next week to Seoul,” he paused to see if Baekhyun got what he was saying. Baekhyun sure didn’t see that coming. When he looked at Chanyeol, Chanyeol could see hurt flashing though his teary eyes. Chanyeol ignored the twinge in his heart. 

"I don't think I can ever work over my feelings for you if we pretend everything’s okay. Let's—let’s just stop everything."

"Chanyeol..." Baekhyun stammered but Chanyeol held in his hand to stop him.

"Please, Baekhyun. I need to do this... For the both of us."

He just wanted to hide from Baekhyun. Baekhyun wasn’t crying anymore. He was looking at Chanyeol intently—maybe to see if Chanyeol was serious about what he was saying. After what seemed to be eternity, he spoke quietly, weakly and Chanyeol felt his heart shatter again.

"I will delete your number," and he left Chanyeol alone—just like how he wanted. 

But why was Chanyeol heart screaming at him? 

 

_

 

Chanyeol woke up to a peck on his lips. He slowly opened his, smiling at his boyfriend who was grinning. “Good morning,” he reached out for the other’s hand and tugged it so he could fall on top of him. 

“Good morning to you too, sweetheart.” His boyfriend poked at his cheek, making Chanyeol giggle that. “I made you coffee, love. Get up,” he heard the other say when Chanyeol nuzzled into his neck. His boyfriend smelt heavenly after shower. Chanyeol groaned. “Can’t we stay like this for a few minutes?” he asked when his boyfriend tried to get away from him. 

“As much as I like to do that, you know we can’t. We have some work to do.” 

Chanyeol whined childishly but sat up on his bed. “Alright work,” he said when he saw the other offering his cup of coffee. 

“And go take a shower. We only have an hour to get to the office.”

Jiho was his colleague. There were some sparks when he first met him. Jiho seemed to feel it too. Before they knew, they started dating and it had been almost a year since they started dating.

Chanyeol felt nice to be in a relationship. No one knew about his relationship except Yoora and Jongdae. Yoora had taken a liking at Jiho and assured Chanyeol that he had chose a suitable guy. Jongdae, even though expressing his happiness, didn’t talk about it often. At first he thought, the other didn’t like Jiho. But a part of him told that wasn’t the matter. 

Chanyeol was driving them both to their office when he got a call. It was Jongdae, who was calling him after ages. He rolled his eyes fondly at the ID before accepting the call.

_ “Yah Park Chanyeol! Clear yours and your man’s schedules at the first week of next month!”  _ Chanyeol held away his phone and sighed before putting it on speaker, making Jiho laugh. “Don’t you have the habit of greeting first before yelling like a madman, Jongdae?”

He heard the other snort.  _ “Alright, hello my dear friend—now will you ask why?” _

Chanyeol scoffed. “Did you manage to ask Seulgi out?” There was a pregnant pause before Jongdae spoke again before,  _ “What does that have to do with clearing your schedules, idiot?” _

“Then how would I know? Tell me,” Chanyeol laughed and he knew Jongdae would be pink all over his face. He has been crushing on their schoolmate, Seulgi for years and even after working in the same field, having interactions now and then, he didn’t grow enough balls to ask her out.

_ “Junmyeon hyung has invited you—“ _

Chanyeol’s smile grew into a grin. “Really?” He turned to see an amused Jiho. 

_ “—for his wedding—yes! I am not fooling around—“ _

“Wow,” Chanyeol breathed out like an excited kid.

_ “—indeed. I know, right? It’s gonna be like a school reunion now. He has invited everyone from our school—“ _

“Yifan hyung too?”

_ “—even Yifan! He’s coming all the way from Beijing. Junmyeon hyung must have sent you an email, didn’t you check?” _

“No, I didn’t. I will check later today. And Jongdae, I will call you later.”

_ “Alright, bye.”   _

Chanyeol turned to see a smiling Jiho and mirrored his fond smile. “He was my senior in high school. He’s a nice hyung.”

“I could see from how your face lighted up on hearing the news. You looked like a small kid for a second.” 

Chanyeol just hummed and chuckled when Jiho poked his cheek. “Jiho, can we go to the wedding together?” That brought a small, fond laugh from Jiho. Chanyeol was cute like that.

“Anything for you, Yeol. I would be glad.”

They got out of the car and walked together to their office. They had to part as they worked in different departments. Chanyeol department was on the third floor and Jiho’s was on fifth.

Jiho managed to steal in a kiss when the elevator door closed. “I have to work extra hours today. I will go to my place today. I will come over tomorrow as soon as possible and then celebrate your birthday, does that make it up?”

Chanyeol pulled him for another kiss in approval.

Chanyeol was lying on his couch, switching through the channels. There weren’t any rerun of his favourite shows nor was he interested in any of the new dramas. He sighed as he switched of it and sat straight. He glanced at the wall clock and found it funny how in a few minutes he was turning twenty-five. 

He opened his phone to see he had few texts, maybe from Jiho or even from Yoora. Jongdae was someone who would wish in the morning. His mother would also call him in the morning not wanting to spoil his sleep. 

There were few texts from a group chat of his colleagues. He just placed the phone on the table and stared at ceiling. Time flew fast before he could even get a hold on himself.

He got up from his couch and idly walked to the balcony. He gazed at the stars that were blinking back at him. They seemed like they were mocking him by reminding him of someone he didn’t want to think about. How could he stop himself when his heart betrayed him by screaming his name? For a brief minute, he wondered what his star was doing. He let out a breath suddenly feeling suffocated. 

He heard the faint chime from his phone followed by another. It must be 12’o clock. It might be Yoora or Jiho. They were the only ones who would wish him at 12’o clock. But his heart wasn’t willing to walk back and go back to whom he was trying to be.

That minute,  _ he _ was all he could think about. He didn’t know how but he found himself touching his right cheek—where someone would place his birthday kisses and wake up those butterflies in Chanyeol’s gut.

Chanyeol didn’t know that, far, far away from where he was, someone else was watching the same stars as him—who had whispered a quiet  _ happy birthday, baby  _ to the night breeze. 

 

_  

 

He would be lying when if he said that he wasn’t excited for Junmyeon’s wedding. He was too excited to even say it out. But there was also a dreading feeling. If he was invited, obviously his friend would be too. 

Of course, he would be coming too. Junmyeon was his senior too. How could Chanyeol expect him not to come? And the fact that he was going there with Jiho made it even more frightening. It felt like his two different worlds were going to clash.

Jongdae seemed too happy with himself and that irked Chanyeol. He wasn’t ready to meet face to face with Baekhyun.  _ Not yet, at least.  _

The last day when he saw Baekhyun was years ago—on the day when he left Ulsan. He didn’t expect Baekhyun walk out of his house when he was standing out with his packed belongings. Baekhyun didn’t say anything except surprising him with a hug. Chanyeol couldn’t bring himself to hug his friend back. Baekhyun pulled back only to leave a small peck on his forehead which lingered all the way to Seoul.    

He wanted to leave Baekhyun—to get away from him so that he could move on from his stupid feelings, his stupid infatuation. It took him few months to concentrate on his studies instead of spacing out in the thoughts of Baekhyun. The pang he felt whenever he thought about Baekhyun faded away with time. 

By the time he finished his college, he believed that he had moved on. He never thought he would want to be with anyone. But then he fell for Jiho and even started dating. He had got Baekhyun away from his mind. That was what he told himself every day. 

At the wedding though, nothing happened like he dreaded. He met some of his schoolmates and introduced them to Jiho. He felt his heart tickle when he heard Yifan calling his name. “He’s my first crush,” he whispered into Jiho’s ear when no one was looking, earning a surprised and equally amused chuckle from his boyfriend.

But when it was time to leave, he saw a glimpse of the man who still had a strong hold on his heart, suffocating him, he lost his breath. He realized what kind of a fool he was. All the feeling of pain, guilt and helplessness rushed back to him. 

Did he forget of whom his own actions reminded him of? How could he move on a person who had permeated into the deepest parts of him, where even he couldn’t reach? How could his heart betray him by still hiding a part of Baekhyun inside him?

His breath got stuck when Baekhyun looked at his direction and they held eye contact for the briefest second. He saw Jongdae beckoning him but he turned away from them. “Jiho, I’ll be back in minute.”

He saw Jiho nodding at him and he walked to where his schoolmates were standing. He spotted Minho who smiled at him. “Park Chanyeol, mate! You forgot to give me your number!” He thanked the heavens for no particular reason and gave him his number. 

He felt Jongdae walking towards him and excusing him from the conversation. “Baekhyun’s here,” he told Chanyeol who tried not to flinch at the name. Jongdae waited for Chanyeol to react but he got none. He opened his mouth to say something and he really looked like he was about to yell at him but he held it in. “Are you not going to talk to him?” Jongdae gritted his teeth at the slight shake of head Chanyeol gave him.

“And he says he won’t talk till you speak to him first. Are you both gonna pretend as if you weren’t the bestest friends once?” He asked through gritted teeth. “See,” he told sternly when Chanyeol remained silent defiantly, “you both are seeing each other after what, six years? Go talk to him before I start losing my mind.”

“You look like you already lost it,” scoffed Chanyeol, obviously knowing that he was getting on Jongdae’s nerves. “I don’t want to talk to him,” he said before gently yanking away Jongdae’s hand from him. Jongdae looked behind him and feigned a smile. Chanyeol looked over his shoulder to see Jiho walking up to them.

“Let’s go congratulate Junmyeon hyung, Jiho.” He told him before Jiho could even open his mouth. “Okay,” he muttered as he looked to Jongdae and back to him, not having a single idea of what was going on.

Jongdae stood there dumbfounded, watching Chanyeol leave with Jiho after congratulating Junmyeon on his new start of life. Fuming with anger on how his ass of a friend acted, he stalked his way to his idiotic friend.

Baekhyun was holding a wine glass, welcoming him with a sad smile. “He’s an ass, Baekhyun.” He snatched the glass from his friend’s hand and gulped down the contents. “He’s an ass and you are an idiot to still call him a friend,” he waved his hands in front of Baekhyun and he rolled his eyes. “Okay, leave it.”

“Leave it? How can I when he acts like that to me? He almost called me stupid just now,” he frowned when Baekhyun started dragging him out of the wedding hall, not wanting to gain any attention. Jongdae was enough for all the drama he was about to face. He didn’t need more people to join him.

“Alright, drop it. Forget it—“

“Why drop it, Baekhyun? Why didn’t you just walk up to him? You know that he can’t just ignore you. He won’t dare to. Should’ve just walked up to him and slap some sense into—“

“Dae-ah,”

“—him and what Baekhyun? Don’t talk as if you didn’t come here to talk to him, to  _ just see  _ him. I know—“

_ “Jongdae, drop it.” _ Jongdae shut his mouth at the tone change. Baekhyun sighed as he ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t have a choice, okay? I can’t help it if he hates me. If pretending like strangers is what he wants, let him be.”

“What am I going to do with you both? I don’t want to deal with you both anymore.” Maybe it was the exasperated tone in Jongdae that triggered Baekhyun. 

“Then get lost!” He snapped at his friend, who gaped at him in shock. Baekhyun knew he would regret snapping at his friend but he was annoyed. He thought Chanyeol would be ready to talk to him. He thought he would get to at least see Chanyeol properly after years of not seeing him. But screw Chanyeol. It was his fault that he was snapping.

Jongdae wasn’t helping by slapping the fact that Chanyeol literally run away from Baekhyun. He couldn’t help but snap at him.

“You know what, Baekhyun? You are no different from that jerk. You are an ass too.” Jongdae told him sulkily. “But be glad that I am driving you home today or else I would have ignored your face for the next few weeks.”

Baekhyun suppressed a small laugh that was trying to escape. He hugged his friend from the side, who tried to push him away. “I am sorry, Dae. Let me treat you your favourite  _ bulgogi _ this weekend.” Jongdae’s little hum was enough to seal the deal between them.

When Jongdae was driving, he couldn’t help but ask, “Who was the one with him?”

Jongdae didn’t answer him right away. “He’s Jiho. Chanyeol’s—“ he glanced at Baekhyun to catch his curious eyes, “—boyfriend.” He saw Baekhyun’s expression change. Of course, Jongdae hadn’t told anything about Jiho to Baekhyun.

“Oh… You didn’t tell me about this?” He asked Jongdae.

Jongdae let out a difficult sigh. “I thought Chanyeol would introduce him to you. I just felt like you should hear this from him and not me.”

Baekhyun leaned his head over the window. “How’s he like?”

“Jiho?” Baekhyun hummed.

“He’s nice. Chanyeol seem to like him very much.”

“I see,” Baekhyun closed his eyes and let the sleepiness take over.

 

_

 

Chanyeol’s head was throbbing. He had seen Baekhyun after years and he found his heart still beating the same for him. That day when Jiho kissed him, it was Baekhyun all over his mind and he had to break the kiss. He stepped away from Jiho, making the other confused,

“What’s wrong?” Jiho asked worriedly taking Chanyeol’s hand into his. Chanyeol withdrew his hand from him slowly. “Can we not do this now? I am… tired.”

He didn’t know what was going on in Jiho’s mind but what he asked next stole his breath. “Is it about Baekhyun?” Jiho was still having a smile on his face but it looked foreign, suddenly.

“I don’t know who he is but this has to do something with him. You didn’t look too well after you saw him.” Chanyeol throat pained with words he couldn’t speak out.

“Who is he?” Chanyeol wanted to laugh.  _ Who was Baekhyun?  _ He was the one who called his ears cute when they were eight. He was the first boy who wanted to be his friend. He was the one who wrote him a cheesy letter for him. The one who made feel warm with his smiles. The one who accepted him. The one he fell for. The one he broke down. But what should he tell Jiho?

“He’s my friend.”  _ A cruel one. _ He just realized that he was crying when he felt his voice cracking. His eyes were already full with tears.

“I can see that he’s not just a friend. You wouldn’t be thinking about him when you’re with your boyfriend if he is one.” Chanyeol just wished that Jiho stopped talking about Baekhyun. He just wanted to be left alone. He was tired of listening about Baekhyun.

After getting a glimpse on his friend, his every fibre missed Baekhyun. He just wanted to see him again and see him smile so he could feel warm all over again. He missed the feeling Baekhyun gave him. 

He was sure that he liked Jiho. But he missed something—something only Baekhyun made him feel. A sudden scary thought popped up in his mind. What if he never loved Jiho? What if he was trying to use Jiho so he could get Baekhyun out of his mind? What if he was being a selfish?

“Jiho—“

Jiho was already leaving. “Let’s talk tomorrow, Yeol. Now you don’t look well. Take rest,” he walked up to him to leave a peck on his cheek. And then he left, leaving Chanyeol alone to cry his heart out for all the years he spent pretending not to miss his friend.

The next day, Jiho was waiting for him at the entrance of his office. He leaned forward to place his usual short kiss but Chanyeol leaned away. He saw how Jiho’s face marred with hurt. He ignored the painful twist of his heart.

“Jiho, can we stop dating?” 

He had never seen Jiho that broken before. Maybe Chanyeol was indeed a heart breaker. Maybe he was a shitty person like what Jongdae liked to call him. 

“Anything for you, Chanyeol.” He heard Jiho tell him before he walked away.

 

_

 

It was eleven at night and Baekhyun had just come out of the showers when he heard his door being knocked. He tried to stifle a yawn as he walked towards it. He opened it only to face his mother.

She might have come up to check on him or to ask him to accompany her with her shopping. But only she didn't. Baekhyun got lost, no knowing what to think, when he saw her glistening eyes.

"Can you—Can you come to the h-hospital with me?"

Uneasiness started dawning upon him when he heard her ask. He noticed how her hands seemed tremble as she stood at his door, breathing difficulty.

"Mom, what's wrong?" He asked, struggling with words. He felt anxious with all the theories circling his mind. He felt his heart stop for a moment when he heard his mother answer.

"Yoora called me just now," her voice came quiet, afraid of getting cracked. Baekhyun stood there, unmoving as he tries to process what his mother told him. "Can you—Hurry up? She didn't sound well," spoke his mother in a weak voice. 

Baekhyun removed his eyes from the floor and moved his legs, which felt as if they turned into lead, into his room to grab his car keys and his phone.

Though he was wearing only a thin sweatshirt and a decent pyjama, he didn't bother to change them. His body regretted it when the cold wind slapped his face. Only then he got grip of why his mother looked like that and he felt his heart gradually plummeting as he drove the car. None of them spoke and Baekhyun didn't have the courage to ask anything from his mother.

It had been five months since Junmyeon’s wedding happened and he didn’t hear anything about him. His heart felt restless as he drove to the hospital.

When they reached the hospital, his mother got down the car and ran towards the entrance. Baekhyun got down the car but couldn't find himself moving a step towards the entrance. He saw Jongdae emerging from the hospital, furiously looking around and when he spotted him, he marched hastily. 

"What are you standing here for?" He asked in a disbelieving tone. Baekhyun couldn't feel his tongue at all. How could he just go up?

"Oh come on!" Snapped Jongdae, exasperatedly. "This is clearly not the time to be an asshole!" Baekhyun didn't even flinch when Jongdae shouted at him.

When Baekhyun couldn't find any words, Jongdae spoke again, now weakly as if pleading, "He's a mess. I can't even look at him. You—you, come quickly with me." Dread filled Baekhyun's heart at this.

Jongdae tugged at Baekhyun's wrist before dragging him with him. Baekhyun, who didn't have strength to resist, just let himself dragged by the other. He heard his own heart thumping loudly against his chest with each step they took. 

When they were inside the lift, Baekhyun carefully avoid his own reflection, afraid what he might see. His grip on the handle bar was so tight to stop the shivering. And when the lift doors opened, he could hear a distance sound of someone crying—unmistakably Yoora's. His heart felt heavy with each his step as Jongdae took him to the last ward on that floor, where Baekhyun tried not to wince as her crying got louder and clearer.

The first thing he saw was Yoora sobbing into Baekhyun's mother's embrace and Baekhyun saw few tears rolling from his mother's eyes too as she kept on mumbling quiet words —words he didn't have the strength to tell her. 

His eyes unwillingly moved on his compelling to the white bed beside them. On it laid someone who used to give him warmth feeling just like his own mother—who treated him like he was her own son. Mrs Park looked peaceful as if she was sleeping—he would have convinced that she was, indeed asleep but only if the way she didn't look pale.  

His eyes felt hot with forming tears but he held it in. He shouldn't cry if he had to comfort them. His heart ached when Yoora kept on muttering 'mom'. With great difficulty, he looked away from her.

But where was  _ he?  _ Jongdae told him that he didn't look good. He looked around the room and his breath hitched at the back of his throat when he noticed him.

He was there —Chanyeol was there, his eyes stuck on his lifeless mother. He expected to see the other like Yoora but no. Chanyeol wasn't reacting anything. He was just staring at his mother as if he is confused—as if he didn't understand what was going on. 

Baekhyun heard Yoora calling her brother's name but Chanyeol didn't even blink as if he turned deaf. Baekhyun felt a strange lurch in his stomach. Somehow this image of his friend frightened him than what he had imagined.

Without another beat, he found himself whispering his friend's name—he didn't realize that that was the first time he was uttering his friend's name in years. The only person, whose sound filled the room, became silent and watched her brother slowly look at Baekhyun.

Baekhyun too held his breath. Was he going to be yelled at? But Chanyeol stared at Baekhyun for a minute, his lips quivering slightly, and then his eyes moved to the bed and back to Baekhyun, some emotions slowly dawning upon his void features.

He opened his mouth but didn't even make a sound. Baekhyun saw the other looking at him and his mother back and fro, looking hopeless as if, as if he wanted Baekhyun to tell him that all that was a bad dream and everything would be back to normal soon.

"B-Baekhyun, she... Mom," he heard Chanyeol muttering under his breath and what remained of his broken heart shattered even more. He couldn't hold in his tears anymore and next second he knew, he was hugging his friend, who was shaking madly.

"Baekhyun,  _ mom..."  _

Baekhyun held Chanyeol tightly than he ever did. "Sorry," he whispered into his friend's ear. He couldn't see his friend's face but felt his shirt getting dampening around his collar, with the tears of his friend.

Chanyeol didn't know what happened to him. He saw his mother closing her eyes slowing with a hint of smile on her face. He heard the doctor asking his sister to sign something. He heard his sister calling someone and struggling to talk without crying. Then he heard his sister's cry, heard Jongdae telling something he could understand but he didn't moved his eyes from his mother—was it childish hope wanting her to wake up again and smile at him?

Then he heard Baekhyun calling him—after years of not listening to the voice. He felt like he woke up from a trance. He saw Baekhyun really close after years. The dull ache that showed up whenever he thought about Baekhyun wasn't there. Instead there was a desperation he didn't understand. He didn't know what he told Baekhyun; his mind was foggy. And when Baekhyun came to hug him and muttering sorry now and then, he felt tears escaping from his eyes. Slowly and unknowingly, his hands hugged back his friend and he let himself break down. 

Maybe he didn't trust anyone expect Baekhyun to mend him if he crumbled down.

 

_

 

The funeral took place the next day. Baekhyun and Jongdae were with Chanyeol the whole time but Chanyeol didn't speak a word with them nor with anyone—not even Yoora. He sat there not taking his eyes from his smiling, pretty mother—in a picture—and occasionally bowing to the visitors.

He couldn't comprehend what the people told him but he kept on nodding. Sometimes he would search Yoora to see what she was doing and then turn back to his mother's picture. 

His mind replayed one of his last conversations with his mother when she was at the hospital, ill.

He was sitting beside his mother, cutting apples for her. She would, sometimes ask him not to do anything and that she would eat if she wanted but Chanyeol would stay deaf and would continue cutting the fruits.

That day, though, she didn't say anything and remained silent as she watched him cut the apple into smaller pieces. Her eyes were at him the whole time. And when he feed her, he saw something in her eyes —worry.

"What?" He asked her and she stared at him before answering. "Can I ask you something?"

Chanyeol really thought that she would ask him when he was going to marry or something about his love life, which was inexistent after his break up with Jiho. But what came was even more shocking.

"What happened with you and Baekhyun?" Chanyeol expected his mother to ask that question years ago—when he told her that he wasn't talking with him. She stayed silent then and now when the question came, he felt tongue-tied than he thought he would be. Why was she asking it after years?

He didn't answer her, of course. He drifted his eyes to the plate he was holding. What would he tell her anyways? His mother must have realized that she wasn't going to get one.

"You know," his mother started and Chanyeol looked up, "he was the one who made you open your heart to the outside world." True it was. Chanyeol couldn't deny. His mother seemed to know her son well. What she said after that made Chanyeol's heart halt for a second.

"Maybe that is why your heart doesn't recognize anyone except him," she was smiling at him despite worry swimming in her eyes. Chanyeol stared at her, without blinking and wondering what she really meant.

"You kind of liked him, didn't you?" She asked after seeing her befuddled son. Chanyeol didn't even blink. Did she know all the time? Did Yoora tell her?

"H-How?" Was all he could ask her. He didn't even try to deny anything.

"So it is true? You did like him?" She asked again but this time sounding mildly cheerful as though she had answered a quiz correctly. 

_ I think I still do,  _ was at the tip of his tongue but he quickly swallowed it. He didn't speak but sat staring at her in question. She gave him a smile before reaching for a piece of apple from him.

"I had a feeling," she spoke quietly this time. Chanyeol didn't ask anything more. ("They say moms know the best, don't they?" Commented Yoora later after hearing this from Chanyeol. Later she laughed it out telling, "Oh Chanyeol-ah, you must have been so obvious, always looking out for your Baekhyunnie that even our mom had seen through your feelings!")

When Chanyeol fed her the last piece (avoiding his eyes), she held his hand without eating it. "I don't want to leave you like this, Chanyeol." She told him and there was no trace of her previous smiles. 

Chanyeol pushed in the lump on his throat. "Don't be silly. You are not going anywhere," he tried to speak without straining his voice. His mother didn't speak a word after that and took the last piece from Chanyeol.

Chanyeol mostly stayed in his room, only leaving it when Baekhyun's mother called him to eat. Jongdae and Baekhyun would come now and then but they didn't try to talk with him. Even Yoora didn't talk to him until the third day.

She knocked the door twice before coming in. Chanyeol stood up from his bed after noticing her and for the first time in days, he saw her properly. She looked weary and exhausted without much sleep. 

"I am going to start work from today," she informed and Chanyeol just nodded, not knowing what to say. "Mrs Byun told me that she would bring lunch for you." Chanyeol nodded again, still silent.

"Well, call me if you need anything. I should go now," she left without saying anything or waiting for Chanyeol to say anything—or she knew that he wouldn't say anything.

He heard his doorbell echoing across the room. He saw the time and realized that he had been sitting in his room for hours, staring at nothing.  _ It must be Mrs Byun,  _ he thought as he hurried down the steps.

When he opened the door, he was shocked at seeing his visitor— _ Baekhyun _ . They both stared at each other until Baekhyun cleared his throat, averting his eyes from Chanyeol.

"Mom told me to give you this," he told as he extended his hand holding a lunch bag. 

Baekhyun didn't let the bag go when Chanyeol stretched his hand. Instead he stared at Chanyeol which kind of made Chanyeol fluster. He didn't even comb his hair nor looked at mirror for days. He suddenly became self conscious of his appearance.

"What?" He blurted out. Baekhyun's eyes briefly darted to both of his ears (and Chanyeol knew what might have caused him to do so) before going back to his eyes and a small hint of smile appeared. "What?" He repeated and Chanyeol retrieved his hand, feeling dumb.

Chanyeol looked up at him in question and Baekhyun raised his eyebrow, "Mom also asked me to watch you till you finish your food," he said with finality laced in his voice. Chanyeol blinked at him. He took few seconds to process and let him in. While passing Chanyeol, Baekhyun pressed his lips into a thin line, not giving out the smile that was struggling to appear.

Chanyeol closed the door as he watched Baekhyun disappearing into his kitchen. He came back holding a glass of water and went towards the dining table. 

"Are you going to stand there the whole day?" Baekhyun asked aloud and Chanyeol realized that he was still standing at the place where Baekhyun left him. He made a beeline to his dining table and took a seat, determined not to look at Baekhyun.

Baekhyun (who wasn't expecting Chanyeol to make an eye-contact either) went into the kitchen once more to refill the half empty jug of water. Chanyeol slowly began to open and examine the lunch Mrs Byun sent and his stomach growled with glee when he found that she had made his favourite.

Baekhyun showed himself again and placed the jug on the table before pulling out the chair across Chanyeol's. Chanyeol briefly looked up at him and wondered whether Baekhyun was going to idly watch him eating.

With great difficulty, he caught Baekhyun's eyes and opened his mouth to speak. But Baekhyun beat it up to him.

"Eat. I ate before coming here," he said, his voice gentle and calm as if he read his mind. "And be careful with the soup. It got a little bit spicy," he added. Chanyeol quickly focused on the food and the room fell in silence with the occasional sounds of Chanyeol eating. The whole time, Chanyeol felt Baekhyun's eyes on him.

If they were years back, Chanyeol would have fed Baekhyun some of the meat pieces from the soup. He had the sudden urge to do the same but he knew it would make the ambiance awkward. But the silence felt weird.

They were usually talkative when they are together and now both being awkwardly silent was intolerable. He suddenly looked from his food to Baekhyun, giving a start to the other. "Is it too spicy?" Baekhyun asked, not being able to cover his surprised expression.

Chanyeol shook his head and spoke for the first time in days. "I am going back to work tomorrow." His voice sounded a little rough, making him cringe. Baekhyun seemed taken aback. "Oh," he stared at Chanyeol. "That's good, I guess. Have you told Noona?"

Chanyeol didn't even know himself. He just decided it on spot and blurted it out to Baekhyun. "Not yet," he idly played with his chopsticks. 

“Eat, it will get cold.” Baekhyun told him as he stood up. “I will go clean your room.”

Chanyeol went to his room to see Baekhyun smoothening his bed sheets. He might have heard him coming but he didn’t act like he acknowledged him. Chanyeol leaned back to the wall beside the door, watching Baekhyun make his bed. 

Baekhyun’s eyes fell on Chanyeol’s blanket and he halted. It was from Baekhyun. Baekhyun had brought him an Iron-man blanket because Chanyeol gifted him a Pokémon blanket. He took it and started folding it with a small hint of smile.

"Does Jiho stay with you?" 

The question came out of blue and Chanyeol really didn't understand it until few beats. He froze briefly before looking up at Baekhyun, only to see his curious eyes at him.

How did he know?

"Um, not really. We go to each other’s house." He really didn’t expect Baekhyun to ask him about Jiho. Baekhyun was still looking at him, his hands working with the blanket. "Are you—Are you happy with him?" 

Chanyeol stared at Baekhyun with wide eyes. How did he know about him and Jiho? He inwardly cursed Jongdae before thinking how to answer him. He didn’t expect Jongdae to tell Baekhyun about Jiho.

Maybe it might have been easy to answer if he was still together with Jiho. He nodded slightly, pushing back the guilt arising, "We get along well." He didn’t even know why he was lying. 

Silence filled in the room once again and Chanyeol was waiting for Baekhyun to say something. But he was now picking up the trash lying down. Chanyeol took the dustbin and walked to him.

Baekhyun threw the trashes in the bin, avoiding Chanyeol’s eyes. "What are you working as?" Chanyeol asked in a feeble attempt of keeping the conversation alive. Baekhyun neither answered right away nor looked at him. He stood there as if he didn't hear him and it made Chanyeol anxious. After few seconds, he spoke quietly that Chanyeol almost didn't hear him.

"Are you sure you don't know that?" He asked and his voice despite being quiet had an effect of a cold slap. "Or are we going to pretend that we don't pry stuffs about each other from Jongdae?" 

Chanyeol remained silent and flushed. He shouldn't have done that. He could tell that Baekhyun was annoyed. 

Baekhyun let out a sigh and continued, "Don't make me say things you already know, Chanyeol. I ask Jongdae about you too, to say the truth."

"Does he snap a lot at you too?" Chanyeol asked him when Baekhyun walked to the windows to open it.

Baekhyun frowned, "Why would he snap at me?"

Chanyeol gave him a shrug before leaning back to the wall, his muscles relaxing. "I don't know. He snaps at me before answering anything about you. Looks like he’s biased."

"Excuse me, whom are you calling biased? He always visits you even if he has to cancel our meetings." Baekhyun raised his voice but he couldn't suppress the forming grin.

"Oh, does he?" Chanyeol asked as he mirrored Baekhyun's grin albeit hesitating. They both stared at each for a good few seconds before bursting out laughing. It felt good for Chanyeol. He didn't remember the last time he felt that good—that warm.

Because of coming back to Baekhyun, he felt like everything he lost or tried to lose came back to him.

"I missed you," he whispered and it was barely audible but Baekhyun caught it. He didn't say anything but gave a smile—smile that conveyed that he didn't miss him any lesser. Chanyeol saw how his room lighted up when Baekhyun opened the window drapes. That was how his heart felt after talking to Baekhyun.

 

_

  
  


“Am I dreaming?” Jongdae asked surprised. He just wanted to drop by at Chanyeol’s to check on him only to find that Chanyeol and Baekhyun were watching Running Man together on the couch. 

Baekhyun shrugged and Chanyeol rolled his eyes, but both of them couldn’t hide their smiles. Jongdae face broke into a grin and he walked to the couch to make a place in between them. 

“So you both finally decided to act up to your age?” Jongdae asked earning simultaneous groans from them. “Just keep your mouth shut unless you want us to talk about Seulgi,” Baekhyun warned but Jongdae shrugged defiantly.

“Oh ganging up on me now?” He laughed and it sounded funnily devilish. “Guess who finally managed to ask Seulgi out?” 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol snapped their heads at him at the same time. “You aren’t joking, are you?” Chanyeol asked looking genuinely impressed and Baekhyun had his mouth hanging. “Are you sure it was Seulgi that you asked out?” 

Jongdae gave him a smack on the arm before speaking, “I am not going to make you guys my wingman. I will just hire someone else.” 

Chanyeol heard Baekhyun laughing and he watched him, not minding to hide the smile forming on his lips. He missed seeing Baekhyun laugh like that. Oh what a fool he had been. He missed Baekhyun so much. 

Jongdae saw that too. When both of them saw each other at the hospital that night, he saw how much they got tired of being away from each other. He saw how they broke into tears in each other’s embrace and how they comforted each other in way he couldn’t. He realized, that moment, that Baekhyun and Chanyeol had a unique bond between them. He had always known that it was special but he didn’t feel it until that day. He couldn’t stand there anymore and he had joined them, hugging them both. 

“Let’s eat together tonight,” Jongdae proposed and the other two approved with silent nods. 

They had ordered food for them and waited for Yoora to return home. Yoora too looked surprised when he saw Baekhyun and Chanyeol in one room. She just shared a knowing look with Jongdae and didn’t comment anything. 

While eating the food Jongdae ordered, Chanyeol announced that he would be leaving to Seoul the next day. “Why don’t you stay few days more?” Yoora asked not wanting to leave her brother alone. 

“I have to do work, noona. I have a report to handover in two days.”

Yoora looked like she wanted him to stay but she didn’t press the issue any further. “Alright, if that’s what you want. But please try to come here during the weekends.”

Chanyeol realized something that moment. He couldn’t leave his sister alone, could he? She had his mother before. But if Chanyeol left, she would have to return home to no one. Chanyeol had an idea of how depressing that would be. 

“Why don’t you come to Seoul with me, noona?” Yoora shook her head in disbelief. “And leave my work here?”

Chanyeol couldn’t find an answer for that. He fell silent and his friends might have realized what was going on his mind. “Don’t worry, Chanyeol-ah, we will take care of noona.” Jongdae assured him with a small smile. Baekhyun, beside him, gave a nod at that before talking, “But still you do have to visit her during the weekends.” Chanyeol smiled too, nodding a silent promise. 

“Yes and we three can hang out even. Just like the old times.” Jongdae suggested and Chanyeol thought that would be a good idea. He caught Baekhyun’s eyes and they told him the same thing too. 

_

 

Chanyeol had just returned from his office that Friday when he received a text from Jongdae.

 

**From: JD**

_ Two minutes for you to open the door _

 

Chanyeol muttered out a confused  _ what  _ and asked him why he was even there. But his text was seen zoned. He quickly glanced himself in the mirror to check his shirt was decent (not that Jongdae would mind) and walked out of his room. 

He opened the door just in time. Jongdae grinned at him and Chanyeol’s eyes widened at Baekhyun. “You too?”

“Am I not welcomed here then?” Chanyeol panicked and almost rambled on what he really meant but he smiled sheepishly when he the small hint of smile on Baekhyun’s face. “I just didn’t expect you.”

He let them enter his apartment. Jongdae made a beeline to the couch and plopped himself down while Baekhyun moved around carefully observing the living room. “I didn’t expect you to be this neat,” he commented before joining Jongdae in the couch.

“Thank you, I always have been neat,” Chanyeol mock rolled his eyes. “And you guys should have told me that you will be here. I would have prepared something. Now you guys don’t have anything other than cup noodles to eat.”

“Let’s eat out on our way?” Jongdae retorted making Chanyeol raise his eyebrow. “We actually came to take you with us,” Baekhyun told when Chanyeol silently demanded the answer from him. He sat on other side of Jongdae.

“But I was going to—“

“We can’t wait till tomorrow,” Baekhyun smiled as Jongdae shared a knowing look before saying, “And we kinda missed you.” Chanyeol chuckled at how Jongdae settled his head on his shoulder. 

“So yeah, pack your things. We’ll be leaving in thirty minutes.” Baekhyun announced and Chanyeol looked at him, “Did you really come just to take me back home?” He had an amused smile. They couldn’t have driven all the way from Ulsan. It was almost five hours drive.

“Yes,” Baekhyun told him, “and also to see where you are living so I can visit you without him.” At that, Jongdae took his head off Chanyeol’s shoulders and pointed at Baekhyun offended. 

“Already trying to ditch me, aren’t you?”

Chanyeol let out a contented sigh, thinking about how much he missed their bickering. 

“Let’s eat here. Consider yourselves lucky because I feel like cooking today.” Chanyeol told them interrupting their bickers. “What are you gonna cook?” Jongdae asked him with a grateful look.

“ _ Sangseonjjim.”  _ He didn’t miss how Baekhyun’s face lit up. After all that was what he wanted to see.

 

_    

 

Chanyeol wouldn’t tell that everything between him and Baekhyun went back to how it was before. They couldn’t change few things between them as how it was once. They talked, that laughed, they teased each other, they bickered with Jongdae but they also kept distance from each other. Baekhyun didn’t call him baby anymore. Maybe Chanyeol grew up in his eyes.

And Chanyeol’s feelings. They were always there. They had always been there even if Chanyeol didn’t want to acknowledge. But this time he kept them shut. He didn’t want to make the same mistake twice. If it would kill him, he wanted to die silently. He didn’t want Baekhyun to go through all those mess again.

He wished everyone stopped asking him about Jiho though. He didn’t tell anyone that they broke up. He didn’t want to. They might ask him reasons. What would he tell? That he realized he still loved Baekhyun? So he told them that they just got into a fight. Fights were usual between couples so they didn’t give it a thought except Baekhyun who was obviously worried.

“How long are you going to be quiet? Talk about it and make up with him,” he told him through a phone call once. Chanyeol laughed it telling that he was too proud to do that. “Don’t worry, everything will be fine,” he told Baekhyun and wondered for what he really meant those words.

They would talk about their works. They would talk about the dramas they have been watching. They would talk about anything. And Chanyeol fell deeper, making him grow contempt with himself. 

Maybe he should just start seeing someone else. But again he thought of that time when Baekhyun’s face flashed while Jiho trying to kiss him. How could he see someone else and not think about Baekhyun? 

Baekhyun had called him one day. He was about to go home after work. 

_ “Are you home already?”  _ Baekhyun asked him and Chanyeol smiled at hearing the voice. “Not yet, I am just leaving my office. Why are you asking?”

_ “Nothing, I was wondering if we could meet now,” _ Chanyeol heard Baekhyun say and he laughed. “Don’t tell me you are in Seoul.”

_ “Yes,” _ Baekhyun answered and Chanyeol could hear the grin. “Alright, I will be home in ten minutes.”

_ “Not home. I am bringing someone with me.” _

“Oh, then let’s meet at the café near my apartment. How does that sounds?” Chanyeol briefly wondered about whom Baekhyun was with. Might be some colleague of him. 

Chanyeol didn’t think about anything except Baekhyun while driving to the café. While entering, he saw Baekhyun sitting in a corner table, who smiled at him waving a little. 

He returned the smile and walked to him. Baekhyun was wearing a sky blue button up shirt and for a brief moment, Chanyeol wondered about Haneul. Did Baekhyun still have the teddy bear?

“Hi,” Chanyeol said as he took the seat across Baekhyun’s. “Hi,” Baekhyun repeated leaning back to his seat and shoving his phone into his pocket. “Did you miss me so much that you couldn’t wait till the weekend?” Chanyeol teased Baekhyun who chuckled in response. 

“Yes, I missed you, happy now?” Baekhyun’s smile was blinding and Chanyeol had to ignore the tingling flutter of his heart. “Also I wanted you to meet someone,” he looked past Chanyeol.

“Cappuccino, right?” Chanyeol heard someone behind him say and he turned to see a pretty lady, may be in her early twenties. She was pretty with beautiful eyes and short hair that reached her shoulders. Chanyeol looked back at Baekhyun whose smile grew brighter. She joined them at their table with their drinks.     

“Chanyeol, this is Ji Hyeran, my girlfriend.”  

Chanyeol didn’t know how but he smiled. He didn’t let his emotions take over him; he didn’t want to ruin anything. Again. So he smiled ignoring the icy needles prickling at his palms. He smiled even though he felt like running away from them, from Baekhyun. But he couldn’t. He knew he shouldn’t. 

“Finally,” she told as she sat down beside Baekhyun. “Finally I got to meet the best friend my man couldn’t shut up about.”  _ Best friend.  _ That was what Chanyeol would ever be. 

Chanyeol chuckled as he remember Baekhyun’s father telling him something similar years ago. 

“But he hasn’t told me anything about you though.” Chanyeol replied and it surprised him how normal his voice sounded while his heart was crying inside. “How long have you been dating?”

“It has been two years.” Hyeran smiled at Baekhyun. “And he just wanted you to meet in person before telling.” Chanyeol slightly shook his head not daring to drop the smile off his face. Baekhyun was cruel as that. Chanyeol could have prepared if only he knew. He could have prevented sitting awkwardly not knowing what to do.

“How did you even meet him?” He asked Hyeran, not wanting to look at Baekhyun. Looking at Hyeran was painful knowing that she was the reason behind Baekhyun’s smile. But looking at Baekhyun would be unbearable. He couldn’t look at him with all those feelings. Not when he had introduced his girlfriend. 

Baekhyun was the one who told him everything with Hyeran occasionally interrupting him with her view of the story. They were from the same college, different departments. It turned out that Hyeran was the one who had a crush on Baekhyun. Kyungsoo was their mutual friend and the one who told Baekhyun about Hyeran’s crush on him.

Chanyeol observed the couple in front of him. It was hard to admit but they looked together. He had just saw Baekhyun’s whole face lighting up at her and he wasn’t blind to see the love he had for her. And it hurt. It had to hurt. 

After all, he was too, in love.

 

_

 

Chanyeol was happy for his sister when he learnt that she got promoted. Her work was in the head quarters of the company she was working in. That was in Spain. “I am not going,” she told him. “I can’t leave you here alone.”

“Silly, I am not alone. I have my friends here. What do you think I am, a kid?” he laughed. “Don’t be stupid and miss a great opportunity. I will behave, I promise.” Yoora looked like she was about to retort. “Noona,” he held his sister’s hands. Calling her noona did its magic every time. “Please don’t make me an excuse to let go an amazing opportunity. I will be okay.”

He cheered when Yoora finally agreed. 

The siblings agreed on selling the house and Chanyeol persisted that Yoora should get the money. “I will ask you if I need that money,” he told her.   

It wasn’t like she was going forever. But he felt sad when he drove his sister to the airport. She looked dull too. Baekhyun and Jongdae were waiting at the airport. The Byuns were there too. They took turns to hug Yoora goodbye and Mrs Byun joked that she felt like sending her daughter off after wedding. 

Yoora then looked at Baekhyun before opening her arms wide, inviting for a hug. “Take care of my brother,” she whispered in his ears. “I will,” he said as they broke their hug. Baekhyun had felt a déjà vu. 

Few days before Chanyeol’s mother passed away, she called him. She told him that she ate his favourite baked fish. She thought of him and felt like talking to him.  _ “If only I was home, I would have sent you some,” _ she had told him.

“Don’t worry, make me some after you get home,” he said softly. “You would do that for me, right?”

_ “Baekhyun-ah,”  _ She called softly.  _ “I don’t think I will make it.” _

“Don’t say stuffs like that, you—“ he got interrupted.  _ “I know, Baekhyun. Will you do something for me?” _

“Only if you promise that you won’t tell things like that again.” He heard her laugh and mutter an  _ aigoo Baekhyunnie. “Will you take care of your friend?” _

Baekhyun lost his words He didn’t know what to say to her.  _ “I know that you guys are not talking with each other. But I don’t want to leave him like this.” _

“You are not going anywhere. And who would leave the idiot like that? Of course, I will take care of him. I am his best friend.” His voice cracked at the end.

That was the last time he spoke to her. 

He watched Yoora hug her brother and as he expected Chanyeol broke into tears, making Yoora’s eyes shine with unshed tears.  


	5. 4

Chanyeol woke up, sweating. He was feeling breathless suddenly. He looked out for his phone and opened it to see Jongdae’s missed calls. He called his friend and wondered if he can talk with the pain in his throat. He didn’t really feel well that morning.

_ “Did you finally wake up, sleepy head?” _ Jongdae’s voice was too cheery and Chanyeol groaned. “Talk quietly, Dae. I think I have got a fever.” 

_ “Oh, what happened? Since when?”  _ Chanyeol would have teased him about sounding concern only if he didn’t feel suffocated. He got up from his bed and walked towards the balcony. Oh how bad was his fever?

“I don’t know. I had cold for two days and now I feel like I can’t breathe.” Chanyeol attempted to take a deep breath. He felt a little bit of ease.  _ “You sound like you are wheezing. Go see your doctor today.” _

“I will try. By the way, why did you spam my call log this early morning?” He heard Jongdae gasp.  _ “I totally forgot why I called you! You will be here this Sunday, right?” _

Chanyeol frowned. He wasn’t going to meet his friends during the weekends because Yoora, who was his only excuse to do so, wasn’t living there anymore. He didn’t complain though. He would rather stay alone in his apartment than facing Baekhyun whom he couldn’t stop loving. Sometimes Baekhyun and Jongdae would visit his place and they would hang out. He couldn’t escape times like those. 

“That, I am not sure. I think I have—“

_ “You know what? Just be there. Baekhyun’s going to propose Hyeran soon and the engagement might be on Sunday.”  _ Chanyeol’s heart plummeted. Oh yes, Hyeran. “Engagement? That soon?”

_ “Yes, he looked so confident about that. Anyways, Hyeran has to say yes for that. But she looks like she would marry him any second.”  _ He heard Jongdae say.  _ “They are really so much in love with each other.” _

Chanyeol put his phone away from his ear. He didn’t want to listen to Jongdae talking about how much they were in love. He didn’t want to go either. As childish as it sounded, he didn’t want to go. 

_ “Chanyeol!”  _ He heard Jongdae yelling.  _ “So yeah, do you want me to pick you up? We can both go and—“ _

“I can’t come,” he blurted out. “I will be busy.” 

Jongdae was silent before talking in a disbelieving tone,  _ “what do you mean by you can’t come? It’s Baekhyun’s engagement—“ _

“Jongdae, I can’t. Now if you allow me, I have to get ready for work.” And he hung up the call. That was it. He wasn’t going. He didn’t care what Baekhyun would think of him. Maybe he should go see his doctor because he felt his body burn.

 

_

 

Jongdae didn’t call him after that day. Instead he showed up on Sunday morning. Chanyeol kept himself from slamming the door at his face when he saw Jongdae’s annoying  _ is this what you call busy?  _ look. 

“So busy, huh?” He walked past him and Chanyeol rolled his eyes. “Tell me Park Chanyeol, why are you acting like a twat now?”

Chanyeol glared at him intently before walking into his kitchen, not heeding any attention to his friend. Jongdae followed him, easily offended. “What the hell is wrong with you? You know, you know clearly how Baekhyun would feel if you didn’t turn up for his engagement. Not to mention, that you are doing it intentionally.”

Chanyeol turned to him with a grimace. “I don’t want to, Jongdae.”

“But why?” He asked him, snatching the cup Chanyeol just took from the shelf. “It’s your friend—“ There was a loud crash. Chanyeol had snatched back the cup from him and threw it towards the wall. Jongdae shut his mouth in shock. He saw Chanyeol shaking in anger.

“That’s the problem, Jongdae! I don’t see him not only as a friend! That’s the fucking problem! When will you guys ever understand me?” 

Jongdae looked at him with a look he couldn’t decipher the meaning of. When Chanyeol tried to look for what his look held, it was disappointment. “You still…” he trailed off, looking doubtful.

Chanyeol gave him a nod, not being able to look at his friend. He was feeling guilty. But what the heck can he do if he couldn’t stop the growing love inside him? He wished to cut off all the feelings he had for Baekhyun but how? No one told him how to forget the feelings. 

“You know what?” Jongdae asked as he started walking backwards. Chanyeol could tell he was frustrated by the look on his face. “Just do whatever you wish. You don’t need to come today. I would just tell him that you are sick.”

He left Chanyeol’s apartment with a loud slam of door. Chanyeol bent down to pick up the broken pieces of the cup. That cup he broke was a present from Baekhyun. It had iron-man on it. Chanyeol had gave, obviously a Pokémon character cup in return. That was their Christmas gifts when they were eighteen.  _ Did Baekhyun still have that cup?  _

For a moment he was smiling at those warm memories, then laughing at how bitter those memories managed to make him feel and before he could even know hot tears were escaping his eyes. Baekhyun didn’t want this to happen. He didn’t either. It seemed like fate was doing them both dirty. 

He decided to blame everything on fate after not knowing whom to blame.

 

_ 

 

Baekhyun’s engagement went well. Hyeran was happy. Both the families were happy. Baekhyun was happy too except for that he felt betrayed when Jongdae came alone. There was no Chanyeol behind him. Jongdae had told him that he would bring him. Baekhyun personally sent him a text asking him to come (he didn’t call him because Chanyeol seemed so busy those days). But it was almost late and his friend wasn’t there.

Maybe he should have called Chanyeol and ask him to be there for him. By the end of the party, he felt like something was missing. He should probably go and visit him but he had work the next day. Maybe next weekend. 

“Chanyeol was sick,” Jongdae told him later that night, before leaving. But he didn’t look well. “Again? You told me he was sick last week?”

“Don’t worry about that idiot. You should just focus on your wedding.” Baekhyun didn’t answer anything to that. He was confused as to why Jongdae sounded bitter. What could have gone wrong between his two friends?

Baekhyun was lying on his bed, with a nervous heart. He didn’t know if he was ready for the wedding. That was normal for everyone to worry about. But now he was engaged, that thought was making him anxious and fidget a little on his bed. He couldn’t sleep a blink. He kept on heaving heavy sighs. 

He was tired. Yet he couldn’t sleep.

He saw his phone lightening up. He had put that on silence during the party. He reached for his phone and saw a missed call from Chanyeol. He got up hastily. Chanyeol had called him. The last time he called him was weeks ago. He didn’t pick up Baekhyun’s call or answered his texts either. His last text was him telling that he was busy.

Baekhyun called back his friend before he could even feel any emotion. He figured out that Chanyeol was hesitating to pick the call because it took some time till he answered. He didn’t talk and Baekhyun didn’t feel bold enough to talk. But still he talked. He always did. He was the one who tried to reach out to Chanyeol when the latter pushed him away.

Memories came back rushing like a wave of pain. His heart felt like it was constricting. He let out a sigh. “You didn’t come,” he finally spoke.

The other side was silent. Most of the time it was Baekhyun who did the talk. Chanyeol listened mostly but answered now and then. Chanyeol would listen till his heart bled and until he felt like a worst nightmare of Baekhyun. And it was Chanyeol who hangs upon him most of the times, making excuses; as if he just called him to hear his voice; as if he just wanted to make sure Baekhyun is doing fine.

“Jongdae told me you are sick,” he let out a chuckle to lighten the mood that never seemed to brighten between them for some reason. There was always an unfamiliar tension. “How do you feel now?” He asked him. Chanyeol didn’t answer. 

“I am nervous, Chanyeol-ah. I—“ he closed his eyes and exhaled air. He felt breathless. “I wanted you to be there. I—“

_ “I am sorry,”  _ he heard the other one speak.

Baekhyun’s breath hitched. Chanyeol was crying. “Are you—Oh my god, you—Chanyeol, why are you crying?” 

_ [I am sorry, Baekhyun-ah. I am always the shitty friend you had,]  _ Baekhyun felt his eyes prickling. He shouldn’t cry. He let out a humourless chuckle. He wanted to tell Chanyeol to shut up.

He felt his throat forming a lump that made him unable to talk. He tried to swallow that painful knot in his throat. There were times when he hated Chanyeol, for making him feel like that. 

_ [He lied, I wasn’t sick. I could have been there. But being the shittiest, selfish friend, I didn’t. I am a coward, Baekhyun-ah,]  _ Chanyeol spoke from the other side. The lump was still hurting but Baekhyun found his voice.

“You... You didn’t want to come here?” Baekhyun managed to ask.

_ [I am an asshole, Baekhyun. I—I shouldn’t be even talking to you now,]  _ Baekhyun wanted to speak but he couldn’t find words. It was as if he forgot to talk. And he wasn’t thinking straight. Chanyeol was crying at phone and all he wanted to do was comfort him. 

_ [Even now I couldn’t find the courage to knock at your door, Baekhyun-ah]  _ Baekhyun’s eyes widened. Chanyeol was there.  _ Chanyeol was there. To see him. _

He still had the phone pressed against his ear when he strode to his door. He didn’t even think twice before opening his door only to see two brown orbs looking down at his; brown orbs those were too familiar and hurt in tears.

“Chanyeol,” was all he could manage to utter. He didn’t even know when his tears started escaping. They must be frustrated for being held in. He stood there letting tears out, not speaking a word. Chanyeol was mirroring him. Both stood facing each other and cried their heart out. They didn’t know the reason why the other was crying. But they both didn’t want to know what either.

“Why, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked after controlling himself and wiping his tears. Chanyeol wiped his tears too but few more tears fell. His eyes were red and it hurt Baekhyun. Chanyeol didn’t answer him but he wrapped his arms around Baekhyun, taking Baekhyun aback.  He was shaking as he wept. Baekhyun couldn’t ask him why. He didn’t want to know why Chanyeol didn’t come to his engagement. Because he knew that his answer would hurt him more. 

Baekhyun just hugged back Chanyeol and ran his hands up and down his back to comfort him. He couldn’t let him cry. “It’s okay,” Chanyeol heard Baekhyun say. Chanyeol would have laughed at Baekhyun if only he wasn’t crying at Baekhyun’s arms. It was okay for Baekhyun every single time he fucked up. Why was Baekhyun kind? Didn’t he feel cruel for letting Chanyeol fall for him again and again? Why didn’t Baekhyun just walk away from Chanyeol instead of holding him close to his heart and comforting him? Chanyeol didn’t deserve that. 

When Baekhyun was about to break the hug, he heard Chanyeol croak out, “Just a little more, Baekhyun.”  _ For one last time,  _ he wanted to add but he didn’t have the strength to. He felt his little pieces of heart breaking even more so he held him even tighter. Chanyeol swore to himself that it was the last time he let himself close to Baekhyun. He would be someone else’s soon. He should stop having feelings for Baekhyun. But again  _ how? _

Baekhyun didn’t ask him anything. “Sleep, you look tired,” that was all he told him. He shouldn’t listen to him. He shouldn’t have gone there. But still he found himself climbing the bed and taking his usual side. He saw Haneul smiling at him mockingly. He was tired. He felt breathless. He felt Baekhyun running his hands on his hair. So he let sleep take over him, not noticing the tears in Baekhyun’s eyes.

Chanyeol dreamt of Baekhyun. A fifteen year old Baekhyun who grew pink at seeing Chanyeol wearing the scarf he knitted so carelessly. Then he saw the eight year old Baekhyun who giggled at his ears and who looked apologetic when he gave him a glare. That eight year old Baekhyun grew into a ten year old Baekhyun who laughed weakly at how Chanyeol cried because he was sick. Then he saw Baekhyun cheerily waiting for his favourite  _ Sangseonjjim  _ and who grin when Chanyeol fed him some from his share. His dream showed him his fifteen year old Baekhyun who was trying to snatch the letter he wrote for his birthday. That Baekhyun transformed into nineteen year old Baekhyun from high school with whom he fell in love with. His eyes were hurt.  

When Chanyeol woke up from the long dream, the first thing he realized was that he wasn’t in his room.  

He got used to waking up seeing his boring cream coloured ceiling for almost seven years that even that familiar ceiling seemed foreign. Oh but it didn’t fail to trigger the memories that he swore to forget. Those days when he slept under that ceiling was still fresh in his memory.

That bed was comfy than his— _ and warm. _ A kind of warmth he missed. He didn’t remember the last time he felt that warm and peaceful. He turned to look at the petit man sleeping beside him.

A smile formed on its own, without even him asking for it. It was nothing new. Chanyeol was used to it. The other one always looked so peaceful in his sleep. His face was so serene and calm and Chanyeol wanted to picture that in his mind so that he can live the rest of his life without seeing the man.  _ What an ironic thought. _

He realised that his arm was held tightly by the other. Chanyeol knew that the other one moved a lot in his sleep. Yet his hold on his arm was painfully strong. As if the other didn’t want to let go him.  _ As if he knew Chanyeol might run away from him _ . Chanyeol wanted to laugh. _ Or cry? He wasn’t sure. _

He managed to search for his phone using his free hand. He checked the time. It wasn’t morning yet. It was close to morning. The sun would rise in an hour or so. His heart constricted at the thought of the day he dreaded the most came. Sometimes, he wished that this day shouldn’t come. How heartless he had been. He felt like screaming. In a heartbeat, the calm and peaceful ambiance turned into a suffocating feeling. It felt like he would die if he stayed there another minute.

He took another careful look at the other. Somewhere in his chest hurt while seeing how calm the other looked while sleeping beside him. His heart melted a little by seeing him; as if he didn’t spent years resenting the idea of being love with him. As if he wasn’t going to break his heart. He couldn’t even imagine what the other would feel when he woke up without Chanyeol. He would be broken. That guy loved him. He cherished Chanyeol. Chanyeol was aware. But he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to leave even if he knew it would hurt the other. 

_ You are going to be loved more than you think, Baekhyun. The person will love you more than anything _ , he remembered telling Baekhyun. It was supposed to be a precious memory between the two of them but when Chanyeol replayed that memory in his head, he couldn’t help but feel bitter.  

He had years to think about what to do if that day comes but he couldn’t decide. He didn’t know. Should he stay and pretend that he was happy so that at least one of them would be happy? Or should he just leave and hurt both of them? 

One thing he was sure of was he would end up with a bleeding heart no matter what his decision would be. He was sure he couldn’t sleep a day knowing that he hurt the other’s heart.

He let out his breathe until his lungs felt empty, convincing his heart that it would somehow subdue the pain inside. He didn’t remember the last time he was free from pain. The pain became a permanent thing that he became numb to it. 

A part of him regretted for letting all those years he had pass by just like that. He felt like it was yesterday that he met the other one. He couldn’t help but let out a bitter chuckle, low, quiet and careful not to wake up the other.

That was a period where everything was right, the way it was supposed to be. They were pure and innocent. No one knew what love was. No one fell for the wrong person. 

At present, it was a mess. Chanyeol’s life was a mess. Chanyeol made the other’s life a mess.  _ It was his fault. _

He should get away from there. He glanced at the other’s face once again. He gently pried the other’s grip over his arm and tried sitting up. He smiled at how the other was still a heavy sleeper even if he used to move a lot. Or was it him who was a silent mover?

He got up from the bed and looked for his jacket. When he found, he never even let his heart to beat. He didn’t trust his heart because it might convince to change his decision even now. He walked to the door without even glancing back at the man who he had known for the last twenty years. His best friend— _ whom he never deserved as a best friend. To whom he had never been good enough to deserve his kindness. _

He felt his eyes getting irritated, slightly wet even when he faced the door he closed a second before. A sign that he wasn’t going to be in the latter’s life anymore. It was over. It was supposed to be over years ago but Chanyeol didn’t know why he took that long to make that decision.  

He leaned his forehead against the door. He held in his tears. He held in the urge to cry because he shouldn’t. Not when he was going to do the right thing or supposed to be. He hated the agonising lump forming in his throat. He tried to swallow it before placing a soft kiss on the wooden surface. “Sorry Baekhyun-ah,” he whispered to the closed door. 

On his way home, he blocked Baekhyun’s and Jongdae’s number.

Baekhyun woke up only to find Chanyeol left him.  _ Or was it all a dream?  _ Baekhyun drew his knees to his chest and placed his head on them. What happened to them? Where did everything go wrong? His heart told him.  _ Maybe it was time for him to let his friend go.  _ Just like he wanted to be. 

 

_

 

He found himself staring at his phone. Yoora had called him and asked how the wedding preparations were going.  _ “Buy him a red rose bouquet as my token of love,”  _ she told him and he gritted his teeth. She didn’t know about anything that happened. He didn’t tell her. And it seemed like Baekhyun didn’t either.  _ “I called Baekhyun to tell him I am sorry for not being able to come.” _

“When are you coming here?” He asked as an attempt of diverting the topic. She told him that she would be visiting him in November so that they could spend his birthday together. When Chanyeol told her that he would talk to her later, she ended her call with a reminder to bring red rose bouquet for Baekhyun.  _ “He will love them.” _

Jongdae had called him once (with a new number, of course) to tell him about Baekhyun’s wedding.  _ “So you decided it’s over between us, didn’t you?”  _ Chanyeol didn’t want to feel like an asshole but that’s what he was.  _ “You know what? Baekhyun is getting married by the end of this month. I don’t know if you’ll be able to get over your feelings for him after that. But please let me tell you. Don’t let yourself near him.”  _ It hurt him but at the same time he felt relieved that finally someone understood him. 

He let out a laugh. His laugh scarily echoed through the empty room. The love he had for Baekhyun was like a beast inside him. No matter how hard he starved it, tried to whip it, pushed it deep inside him to hide it. It grew and grew till a point came where he couldn’t pull it out of him.

And again, love was just that. When your heart knows where it belongs, it doesn’t fear to fight the whole world even if includes yourself. Chanyeol lost to his own love. He was in tears, alone.

He looked down at his hands.  _ Baekhyun’s invitation. _ Baekhyun must have sent him without Jongdae’s knowledge. He was an idiot. 

But Chanyeol was a stupid to actually turn up at the wedding.

 

_ 

 

“At least, come talk to him. Why are you hiding?” Jongdae asked him, holding his arm tightly. Chanyeol could see worry in his eyes. He felt awful. “I don’t want to,” he simply answered. He pried Jongdae’s hand from his arm, gently. He gave Jongdae the bouquet. “This is from Yoora,” he told when Jongdae frowned. “I will be going now,” he pushed Jongdae a little in front, telling him to join the people. Jongdae gazed at him worriedly before walking away. 

He watched as Baekhyun’s mother wiped the corner of her eyes when the couples exchanged their rings after their vows. Chanyeol was in tears too. This time, they were tears of pride. After all, Baekhyun was his family too. 

With that he looked at the couple one last time. Both had their foreheads touching each other’s. Chanyeol smiled ignoring the twinge of pain. “What did I tell you, Baekhyun? Isn’t she the one?” He whispered. 

“I hope she loves you more than anything.”  _ More than me. _


	6. Epilogue

He returned to his apartment. For some reasons, it looked more empty and lonely. Chanyeol was alone. He didn’t have his mother. His sister was working in another country. He broke up with Jiho. He just pushed Jongdae away from him. And Baekhyun… He was now someone else’s husband. He didn’t even have the right to think about him. 

He went to his bathroom and stared into the mirror. He felt as if he didn’t realize the man before him. He felt like a stranger to himself. What had his life turned into? He splashed water into his face and repeated it till he felt breathless. Then he stared at the mirror again. Oh how he wished everything was a bad dream. What if he woke up as eight year old boy with Baekhyun beside him? He swore he would never repeat those mistakes.  _ But again, it was Baekhyun.  _ How could he not fall for him? He felt like he was going mad. 

He looked away from the stranger in the mirror and walked to his bedroom. He sat on his bed. He didn’t remember where he kept his phone. He stood up to look for it. He opened his drawer and found it. Under his phone, there were few papers. 

He took them in his hands. It was his medical report from that day. He never knew why he got cold often. Or why he felt breathless sometimes. He thought it was just Baekhyun.

But the letters  _ Cystic Fibrosis  _ were blaring at him in bold, big letters. That day, he didn’t expect to be diagnosed with CF which meant that his lungs would fail him anytime soon. He wanted to laugh at the face of his fate and tell it that he didn’t care.

His eyes fell on the single paper that fell from that report. He bent down to take it. He saw how his hands were shivering. He knew what it was. It was Baekhyun’s letter. The one he wrote when he was fifteen year old. Chanyeol lost count on how many times he read that letter.

He had cried. He had laughed. He had reminisced Baekhyun by reading that letter. But that day, his heart was burning with something he didn’t recognise. Was that just the CF? He didn’t know. His knees gave up and he fell down, losing his balance. He clumped his mouth shut as his sobs got louder. He just couldn’t stop. 

_ Everything was his fault. _

 

_

 

_ Dear Chanyeollie, _

 

_ I don’t know what I am trying to do by writing this letter but Jongdae felt it would be nice if I wrote you one. So this is basically me writing about you. Maybe I can tell you things I wouldn’t admit to you.  _

_ First of all, happy birthday, my babiest baby. Please always stay like the baby you are. I can see Jongdae rubbing off himself on you. Don’t listen to him. Always be happy. And you’ll see me happy.  _

_ You are a great friend, Chanyeol, do you know that? Remember our first day, I laughed at how cute your ears were and you got mad? That day when I saw you, I got a liking towards you. That day itself I realised we were going to best friends like what we are now. Even after ten years, no, even after many, many years, I will love to tell you that I was right that day. I hope your ears would be still cute so I can hold them as I like to.  _

_ You are growing into a handsome man, I am feeling proud. Like really handsome. I won’t be surprised if you get scouted by any of the big entertainment agencies. Girls at our school might even start a fan club for you. I am also happy to see that you are growing up responsible too. I am learning lots from you. Also wouldn’t it be nice to call your sister noona? She gets happy whenever I call her that (you better start addressing her properly before she adopts me as her brother).  _

_ I really like you, Chanyeol-ah. I have never seen someone like you. So handsome, so talented, so kind too. I feel blessed to have someone like you as my best friend. I wouldn’t ask for anything more (except for, please learn how to cook Sangseonjjim because I can’t keep bothering your mom whenever I crave for it).      _

_ You acknowledge how kind you are, right? If not, let me tell you. You are the kindest soul I have ever met. Remember that day when I got sick and couldn’t even get out of bed? I still remember how much you cried (that was why I started calling you baby, didn’t I?). I might have laughed it out that day to tease you. But do you know how much I felt touched? I realized how lucky I must be to have someone like you to care for me.  _

_ You know that I love you a lot, right? You deserve all the love in the world. My love is just a small part of the rest you are going to get.  _

_ My sweet, soft-hearted, Chanyeol-ah, what would I do if someone breaks your heart? Don’t let anyone break it. I promise I will try my best to protect your heart anyone who would try to break it.   _

 

_ With lots of love, _

_ Your best friend, _

_ Byun Baekhyun. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> word vomit, i know T'T but i tried


	7. Sequel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Major Character Death :')

Baekhyun started liking the prettiest ears he had ever seen as an eight year old, the moment he laid his eyes on them; and also the boy who owned them. He wanted to be his friend. He made him his friend. They went to school together. They played together. They started growing up together. 

 

As time passed, he started loving all of him—his smiles, his words, his beautiful, soft heart. Chanyeol’s grip on his heart got tight without any efforts. 

 

He had Jongdae. He had many other friends. But Chanyeol was always different from them—the unique one. Baekhyun was never able to understand why. Maybe it was just his heart that cherished the other the most of all. He didn’t know. Or maybe it was just Chanyeol and everyone loved Chanyeol as much as him. Because it was Chanyeol.

 

One day, when he fell sick, not being able to get out from his bed, he was worried about Chanyeol. He was worried about how the other would walk school to without him. But Chanyeol didn’t go to school that day either. He came to Baekhyun. He cried when he saw Baekhyun who was so red with the fever. “Get well soon, idiot. I don’t wanna go school alone,” he told him as he cried holding Baekhyun’s hands when Baekhyun asked him why he was crying.

 

Baekhyun laughed. That was his first instinct. He teased his friend calling him a cry-baby. But deep down his young heart, he was swelling with love for the other. He could see Chanyeol’s genuine concern for him even though Baekhyun was just sick. He wanted to remember it forever to remind himself why he didn’t want to miss Chanyeol for anything. He started calling him _baby_ for that reason. 

 

Baekhyun fell in love for the first time and told Chanyeol about it. He liked when Chanyeol teased him with the girl he liked. When he fell out of love, he told Chanyeol about it. Chanyeol told him it was okay and that a day would come where he wouldn’t lose his true love. That moment Baekhyun felt that everything was okay. Everything was going in the way how it was supposed to be. Until one day when he learnt that his best friend _loved_ him—not in the way he expected him to.

 

When Chanyeol told him that he was in love with him, he couldn’t understand. Why him? Why Baekhyun out of all people? Couldn’t it have been easy for him if it was any other one? After that day, Baekhyun always dreaded the answer. Why did it have to be Baekhyun that Chanyeol decided to love?

 

Baekhyun knew that it became a mess between them with Chanyeol avoiding him and all. He wanted to give Chanyeol some space but at the same time, he didn’t want to feel being pushed away by his best friend. It was disturbing, very disturbing to the point where he decided to give whatever his friend needed from him. If it kept Chanyeol close to him, if it made him stay, Baekhyun would give him anything. Baekhyun thought he was ready for what he was about to give Chanyeol.

 

_“Then kiss me, Chanyeol.”_

 

He had no idea what he told Chanyeol. He didn’t know what to do. He just wanted Chanyeol beside him. Because Baekhyun couldn’t be Baekhyun without a Chanyeol. For a moment it seemed like Chanyeol would lean in and kiss him. 

 

It was Chanyeol. Chanyeol wasn’t supposed to feel wrong. But that moment it felt wrong—so wrong that he wanted to run away. But he didn’t want to run away from Chanyeol. It was Chanyeol. How could he? But Chanyeol pushed him away, ever so gently.

 

Chanyeol told him that he was going to Seoul for his studies. He was going to leave Baekhyun. Baekhyun felt an ache in his heart. Chanyeol was going far away. He couldn’t play his stupid games with him anymore. He couldn’t nag at him just because he wanted to. He couldn’t tease Chanyeol. He couldn’t call him a baby anymore. Chanyeol was going away. 

 

 _Let’s stop everything,_ Chanyeol told him. Baekhyun let out a breath struggling. If that was what Chanyeol wanted, then he let him. Maybe one day everything would go back to how it was once—with Chanyeol sitting beside him, letting Baekhyun to caress his beautiful, pretty ears.

 

 

After years, when Chanyeol told Baekhyun that he had missed him, Baekhyun wanted to tell him the same. _I missed you too._ But he smiled instead. He thought that everything fell in place as it was supposed to be. Chanyeol and Baekhyun could go back now that Chanyeol was already seeing someone.

 

But Baekhyun didn’t see Chanyeol mentioning Jiho anymore. He didn’t see Chanyeol’s boyfriend anymore. Chanyeol told him that it was a fight and that he will make up soon. But that soon became into months and there was no sign of Jiho in his life. 

 

Baekhyun wasn’t blind. He could see Chanyeol. He could see the lies coming from him. He could see that Chanyeol was still having feelings for him and it hurt to realise it. But Baekhyun wanted to be selfish. He pretended to be blind to see Chanyeol’s feeling for him when it was there, right in front of his eyes. Chanyeol was not good at hiding his feelings. It was hard for him to mention love in front of Chanyeol. But he wanted Chanyeol to know about who he was in love with. He wanted to introduce Hyeran to Chanyeol. He wanted to tell Chanyeol that he was right when he told him _that someone would love him more than anything._

 

“How was she, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked at Chanyeol, chuckling. The soft laugh had no meaning but it failed to ignore the growing guilt. Chanyeol had called him to ask if they went back to Ulsan safely. 

 

 _“Remember what I told you years ago about finding your love? That day when Jieun broke up with you. I was right, wasn’t I?”_ Baekhyun wondered if Chanyeol was genuine when he told it. Then again, it was Chanyeol and Chanyeol was always genuine with him. That was how he was. That was why Baekhyun’s heart had loved Chanyeol. He let out a laugh. Baekhyun felt awful. He knew. He knew he was hurting Chanyeol. 

 

 _“I saw how she added extra sugar to your cup, Baekhyun. She knows about your sweet tooth.”_ Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile. Of all the girls Baekhyun had considered dating, Hyeran was the only one who knew Baekhyun too well. _“And I saw her eyes when she was talking about you. There was lots of love. Don’t let her go,”_ Chanyeol told him. 

 

Baekhyun’s heart twisted painfully. He told Chanyeol to rest and ended the call. He knew how Chanyeol felt. He knew but how could Chanyeol talk like nothing was hurting him? Why was it hard for Baekhyun to talk about love? Maybe Chanyeol was ready to let his feelings go. Baekhyun wished he was ready. He so badly wanted his friend back.

 

There was a small hope in his heart. He anticipated seeing Chanyeol on the day of his engagement but his heart got crushed when Jongdae turned up alone. He knew what Chanyeol was going to do with the both of them. He knew too well.

 

What he didn’t expect was that Chanyeol turning up at his door that night, in tears. He knew that he had to let Chanyeol go. He knew it when Chanyeol hugged him without answering his question. And when Chanyeol asked him not to break the hug, he held him tight because he knew it was the last one that they were going to share. He tried hard not to break down too much. Because Chanyeol would leave soon and there wouldn’t be anyone to hold him if he broke down.

 

That night, he stayed up almost till the morning watching his friend’s sleeping face, reminiscing their beautiful, dreamy past—those times before Chanyeol fell in love with him. He wondered what could they have been if, if only Chanyeol didn’t fall for him. They could have been many things and Baekhyun’s heart twisted at the thought. _If only._

 

He was really tired to keep watching his friend. He fell asleep where he dreamt of Chanyeol who sang him a song for his wedding as his best man. There was Hyeran beside him, smiling up at him.

 

Baekhyun woke up only to find Chanyeol left him.

 

 

 

On his wedding, it was Jongdae who sang him a congratulatory song. He was his best man—when it could have been _his Chanyeol_. But Baekhyun shouldn’t be thinking about that. After the song ended, his friend walked up to him to hug him. Then his other friends came to say their wishes to the newly wedded.

 

“Where is Chanyeol? I didn’t see him after he went out to call someone,” Junmyeon asked Baekhyun while they were talking group photos. Baekhyun wasn’t smiling in that photo. Later, Jongdae gave him Yoora’s flowers and avoided his gaze. Baekhyun didn’t question him or mentioned anything about the flowers. What could he even ask his friend?

 

Baekhyun hoped that someday in his life he might run into his friend and they might be able to smile at each other. 

 

 

 

He didn’t expect Yoora to call him one day. He didn’t expect her to say about Chanyeol dying. Chanyeol was dying slowly. Baekhyun wanted to see him. 

 

But fate was cruel. He wasn’t able to see Chanyeol when he was alive. It was over even before he reached Seoul. 

 

 

He went to meet Yoora with Hyeran, weeks after it happened. It was hurting him to step into Chanyeol’s apartment with the wounds still fresh. Baekhyun wasn’t still over his friend leaving him. Yoora looked so tired but she was worse at the day of the funeral. Baekhyun had no strength to comfort her. No one could comfort him either. He felt sorry for her. Sure she had Baekhyun’s family and Jongdae. But still they could never become her real family that she lost. She had no one that would make up for her mother and a lovingly brother. Baekhyun silently made himself responsible for Yoora. She was his noona too.  

 

Yoora seemed grateful when he visited her. She told him that she would be leaving the country in few days. He let Hyeran and Yoora to talk and excused himself. His legs dragged him unknowingly to his friend’s room.  

 

Everything in that room reminded him of his friend. It was painful for Baekhyun but still he wanted to be reminded of Chanyeol. He sat in the bed and just thought about their happy moments. No matter how messed up their relationship became, their love for each other had been always genuine. Chanyeol never got mad at Baekhyun for not returning the feelings and neither was Baekhyun angry because Chanyeol had feelings for him. He was upset, yes. But he wasn’t angry. Sometimes, it amazed him that Chanyeol fell for him out of all the people he could have.  

 

“Happy birthday, baby.” He whispered hoping that Chanyeol would smile hearing that. He thought about why he started calling Chanyeol a baby and his eyes started watering. _He missed him_. 

 

What could have his last thought about Baekhyun? Was it too painful? Being his best friend, Baekhyun knew too well that Chanyeol didn’t like to be in pain. _How ironic._ Did he think of Baekhyun at least once before life took him away from him? His heart constricted at the thought of never seeing his friend in flesh again. That night when he watched Chanyeol sleep was the last time he was able to see him. And Baekhyun didn’t know. 

 

He didn’t want to cry. Thinking about such things was agonising. He looked up the ceiling and tried to hold in his tears. He shouldn’t cry. Not there, at least. He looked around the room. It was clean as if Chanyeol was still there. He wondered if Yoora cleaned it everyday.

 

His eyes fell on something on the bed side table. It was a folded paper but he recognised it. It had a doodle on the corner. It was a clumsy stickman doodle of a boy with big ears. A fifteen year old boy drew it for his friend. It was his letter for Chanyeol. 

 

He knew what he written in that letter by heart. He was surprised that Chanyeol still had it. He reached out for that letter and opened. His hands were trembling. He ran his gaze over his young words. 

 

He couldn’t hold in his tears anymore. He pocketed the letter after wiping those tears from his face. But he just couldn’t stop the tears. It kept flowing. He wanted to scream Chanyeol’s name and tell him that he hated him. But Baekhyun loved his friend too much to do that. “Why do you do this to me?” He asked weakly. There was no Chanyeol to answer. 

 

It wasn’t his words that made him cry. Chanyeol had written something below his words. When could he have written that? But Baekhyun could tell that Chanyeol cried while writing it as he could see Chanyeol’s tears in that letter. That shattered his heart. 

 

Baekhyun bid his farewell to Yoora with a hug and a promise of meeting again. He inhaled as he looked around the apartment which was filled with Chanyeol. He could smell Chanyeol there. He could still see Chanyeol’s little bits there—in The Weekend posters and marvel movies collection that was stacked neatly in the shelf. For a moment, it felt like he was still there. Chanyeol was still there. But Baekhyun knew that it was just him.

 

He let out a helpless sigh. It was going to be too hard to move on from the loss. How could he expect to? It was impossible to move on from his friend—his friend who had loved him till his last breath. 

 

 

  

 

_I am glad that it is my best friend whom I fell in love with, that it is you, Baekhyun and not anyone else. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you and mess up our friendship like this. I just couldn’t stop it, you know? It happened so naturally that I don’t even know how and when it started. I don’t know if you will ever get to read this and I don’t know if we’ll meet again before life decides to part me from you. I might not even be there if you get this so forgive me for everything I did—forgive me this once. Thank you for letting me love you. Goodbye._

 

As an after thought, another sentence was messily scribbled down at the right corner of his words. 

 

                  _I love you, Baekhyun._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a small present for the readers who gave this fic a chance. you guys don't know how much it meant for me TT  
> I love y'all <3


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